Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

You really exemplify a lack of basic social skills

Oh lovely. This is why some people want to stay in lockdown, because of the attitude of so many people towards socialising.

If you want to go out on the razzle with friends, GO. Why do you need people who don't like it to go?

I would be happy to go out for the odd meal/coffee with work colleagues and friends but have no interest in anything else, especially if it involves lots of alcohol drinking.

That doesn't mean I have no social skills, it means I like my bed and don't like hangovers (or shouting for hours over loud music).

Why do people require so much validation from others? Do what you want to do and leave others to do what they want to do (which might be nothing).

That doesn't seem weird to me at all

But as others have echoed, what if they split up? What about when children grow old enough to move out? Surely having no friends or support then would be a very lonely life! My DM recently split with her partner, and I don't know what she'd have done without her friends.

Even competitive level runners are encouraged to be sociable, you travel to races together with all age groups on the club bus, you support each other, you encourage beginners. You also swap advice, give tips on recovering from injury prevention, shoes, etc

Yes of course. That is completely different to going out to get drunk or organising baby showers.

Seems to me quite a lot of people think introverts are fair game for jibes. Maybe that’s why OP feels uneasy about saying it straight. I have similar problems and no, it doesn’t just magically get better if you force yourself to socialize. The only thing that achieves, as a rule, is a load of unnecessary stress and discomfort.
I think I’d say weekends were family time and I was too tired on week nights.

@CirclesWithinCircles if you think your criticisms of posters who don't want to socialise with more people means that you are demonstrating basic social skills, you'd be wrong.
Your comments are rude and mannerless.
People don't "owe" others socialising.
The OP chats to her running associates, but she doesn't want to get further involved. She is already socialising with them during the runs. That's all that is required.

Your attitudes on this thread are really quite offensive to people who don't think the way you do - you are not the arbiter of social skills.

@poppycat10

You really exemplify a lack of basic social skills

Oh lovely. This is why some people want to stay in lockdown, because of the attitude of so many people towards socialising.

If you want to go out on the razzle with friends, GO. Why do you need people who don't like it to go?

I would be happy to go out for the odd meal/coffee with work colleagues and friends but have no interest in anything else, especially if it involves lots of alcohol drinking.

That doesn't mean I have no social skills, it means I like my bed and don't like hangovers (or shouting for hours over loud music).

Why do people require so much validation from others? Do what you want to do and leave others to do what they want to do (which might be nothing).

No, it's because you were incredibly rude and went to the trouble to write two paragraphs of insults directed personally at me.

Nothing to do with not socialising - I have no idea whether you socialise or not. And tbh you come across as quite aggressive so you'd scare me off, so I'd be unlikely to annoy you in real life, even though I'm a teetotaller not in need of validation.

@PatrickBatemann

That doesn't seem weird to me at all

But as others have echoed, what if they split up? What about when children grow old enough to move out? Surely having no friends or support then would be a very lonely life! My DM recently split with her partner, and I don't know what she'd have done without her friends.

Well in my experience everyone puts family first and friends a very distant last.

I go out for a walk with a friend every Monday but not on the bank holiday Monday because she was seeing family and it's "family time". Whereas I (despite, or perhaps because of, my lack of social skills) would happily leave DH and DS at home and still go out for a walk with her. As it was I went out for a run with a different friend.

Never complain, never explain as Joan Crawford said.
Just say it's not for you and you won't be doing the extra social. You don't have to explain why. It's none of their business.

it's because you were incredibly rude and went to the trouble to write two paragraphs of insults directed personally at me

Did you reply to the wrong person? There was nothing in my response which was offensive or directed at you. Although the comment I responded to was very personal and offensive (though not directed at me).

A very strange response.

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]**@CirclesWithinCircles* if you think your criticisms of posters who don't want to socialise with more people means that you* are demonstrating basic social skills, you'd be wrong.
Your comments are rude and mannerless.
People don't "owe" others socialising.
The OP chats to her running associates, but she doesn't want to get further involved. She is already socialising with them during the runs. That's all that is required.

Your attitudes on this thread are really quite offensive to people who don't think the way you do - you are not the arbiter of social skills.[/quote]
Nice people on here.

Sounds like you've had your self appointed role as the arbiter police challenged.

You do realise what a discussion is?

Sometimes your viewpoints get challenged.

@poppycat10

it's because you were incredibly rude and went to the trouble to write two paragraphs of insults directed personally at me

Did you reply to the wrong person? There was nothing in my response which was offensive or directed at you. Although the comment I responded to was very personal and offensive (though not directed at me).

A very strange response.

You are right. It should have been MissKeithsNiece.

I'm surprised that so many people are saying op should be doing things she simply doesn't want to do. Or that she owes them her time and effort. I'd be gutted if someone was spending time with me out of duty rather than because they wanted to. Sounds like they enjoy a shared activity and can leave it there.

I just say sorry, weekends are for family. They always understand!

@CirclesWithinCircles how about demonstrating your exemplary social skills by apologising to @poppycat10?

I am a runner and have run once a week with a women's running group for about 10 year now. Like yours, we are all very different and most are actually older than me (I'm 42). We all usually have an Xmas night out (apart from last year, obviously) and some of them sign up to runs but it's very much an 'if anyone fancies it' type of thing. I'm not massively into organised races so very rarely join them.

Some of them usually go away once a year too, either to do a race abroad (and a few days away around it), or next year they are planning a ski trip for a few days. I joined them for a hiking weekend in Wales once and I was going to go last year for a few days abroad, with a run included but that was cancelled.

I'm not into skiing so I won't join them next year and that's fine. I think as an adult you can make your own decisions about what you do and who you do it with. I don't even run every week with them - just when I fancy the company.

I guess some of your group also see it as a social opportunity and enjoy that aspect but you are perfectly reasonable to just join them for running.

Why make a big deal of it? If they’re all in their twenties and your nearer 50 they are probably including you out of politeness anyway and not really expecting you to jump up and down at the idea of a baby shower! Just say - ‘it sounds lovely, I can’t make it but have fun!’

Also, I wouldn't go to a baby shower anyway as I hate them, regardless of who it was.

*You do realise what a discussion is?

Sometimes your viewpoints get challenged.*

Do you?

Most people are able to engage in discussion of differing viewpoints with a level of mutual respect. Your tone is off. You might want to consider this feedback a gift for you to reflect on.

'Introvert' is the word you need to Google to understand this. There's lots of information out there about how people's social needs differ. No need to be in the dark about it!

There's an awful lot of bullshit on Google about it you mean! As if all 8 billion people in the world can be put into 2 groups and say anything meaningful....
IME people use "introvert" as an excuse to be quite dickish to others.

[quote Sssloou]**@CirclesWithinCircles* how about demonstrating your exemplary social skills by apologising to @poppycat10*?[/quote]
The apology is implicit in the fact that I replied. This is an Internet discussion group, I don't really feel that grovelling to try and impress 6 random strangers is particularly productive. Hate away!

Sorry to say I find some of these text suggestions really rude! The phrase 'it's family time' just sounds so off to me! Some people have phrased it really nicely, others... I would imagine if you sent such a text you wouldn't be part of the running group any more!

@Sssloou

*You do realise what a discussion is?

Sometimes your viewpoints get challenged.*

Do you?

Most people are able to engage in discussion of differing viewpoints with a level of mutual respect. Your tone is off. You might want to consider this feedback a gift for you to reflect on.

A gift?

Seriously, get over yourself. That is one of the most narcissistic things I've ever read.

You might want to consider this feedback a gift for you to reflect on.

Good lord!

But she is socialising with them at running club.
Socialising isn't just going to the pub or dinner.
I know.

I was talking about the idea that introversion seems to be used instead of "I just don't want to" and the fact that on here the idea of only socialising with immediate family is dressed up as introversion rather than people just owning the fact they choose not to socialise.

I have running friends from the club that i don't see outside other than club events, and same for other hobby groups. I've no interest in big work nights out or big events, but I politely decline instead of making excuses or relying on inaccurately ascribing my chooce to the inaccurate presentation of introversion/extraversion mumbo-jumbo suggesting 50% of the population don't do socialising.

Have people lost the ability to politely decline?

it does not sound like a lack of social skills, and even if it did, whats it to you? They cant be that bad to keep being invited on social occasions