Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

Maybe the OP has lots of other friends, she doesn't say.

littlepattilou

Honestly not all running groups are like that! I'm in one and no pressure whatsoever to join socials just an open invitation. I mostly decline as they all drink and I don't but I go for lunch or the odd cup of tea with them which is lovely.

@Toomuch2019

Without being too unkind here-I think what you are saying here is you don't want to be friends with the people you run with, just running mates. This is absolutely fine and your choice and completely valid, but "friends" would suggest you actually actively want to see them and do things with them.

And that is fine and your bag, just we long as you don't get upset if they stop inviting you to things and get closer to each other as a result of spending more time together.

I agree here that’s the issue here with OP. I would kill to go to a Spa right now or a glass of wine in a bar for a few hours!!

Let the group down OP... there’s no point.

You are a bit boring and antisocial. But there is nothing wrong with that. Just tell them you like to spend weekend evenings with family but you love running with them

Just tell them
I was honest with my group of friends. They don't bother asking anymore but know that aif I was fancying the odd night I'd send a text and say.
Last night out was a hen do last year which was a quiet family meal . And bingo the year before. I'd sooner have a take away and movie with dh as we never get us time. As something always crops up

I’m very like you, OP. I’m happy to be at home with my dh and animals. I’ve learned over the years just to tell people this when they want to go out and invite me. Lockdown has suited me fine. 🤷‍♀️

I've already had an invite next few weeks and dreading it !
Like others, the lockdown did suit me at times.
I feel your pain op.

They're not really friends if you just regard them as a sports only thing . It doesn't matter that they're younger . When I was in my late 20's one of my best friends was in her 60's. Any group that meets regularly with a common interest will then lead to socialising & a few firmer deeper friendships forming. The only thing about centering your life round your family is if due to death or divorce you end up single, it's incredibly lonely to have no other friends. My DM was like that , then she was widowed. She was also clueless at helping me over very bad social anxiety as a result . I'm an introvert but sometimes it does me good to be social & once I'm there I enjoy it. You don't have to go to everything, but why not go to the occasional thing, you might surprise yourself & enjoy it.

Just tell them. As someone who prefers to stay home I spent years making excuses as to not go to events, nights out etc. Its tiring. One day I decided to to just say no thank you, I don't want to go. 10x easier!

I explained previously I have my main running group that I can run with, I have other friends I run, walk or go out for days out with and their kids too. I don't run with hubby or son but we cycle a lot together. I regularly run with another girl who has a son who is friends with my son and we go for bike/runs together. I like running with different people and I still like these ladies to run with. but I think I will stick to just running with them in the main group and not the Covid group of 6. I can run with lots of other ladies from the main group if we message each other. I liked the runs with this group but I won't carry this on anymore. I only mention my age because someone who is 48 and been married with kids for a while may have different social expectations than a single 20 year old. I am not going to mess the group about so as I said I have got a lot of answers. So think I have got clearer about this now. I do want to start socialising more when I have been vaccinated and it gets warmer and we can go inside places safely. But until then I will them get on with their plans and I won't spoil them.

@CirclesWithinCircles

This is one of the things I found strange when I moved back to the UK - the lack of willingness of some British women to socialise and do anything away from their husband and children. (not to mention the obsession with their ages, vat an age where its perfectly normal to do things that they claim to be too old to things at).

It's well known that socialising outside a marriage and making new friends is good for your mental and physical health and stands you in good stead throughout your life.

Now, I know that in a British based discussion group, I'm going to he absolutely slated for this, but I honestly found your post so depressing. The comments about the pregnant woman, her age, the use of babyish phrases ("cos", "and I don't want to", "I am not bothered"), etc) , seriously, its perfectly normal to make new friends, you are allowed to have friends who are different ages to you, and many of us can't be bothered socialising but occasionally make the effort out of consideration for other people.

Why on earth would getting invited to things make you grumpy? So yes, you probably will get a reputation for being abti-social, your comments about them are pretty awful to read actually and 8 think I'd stop wanti g to run with you at all as you really do come across as quite unpleasant (although by the sound of it, that would please you).

Do you know what atrophying is?

wow....do you know what judgemental is?

@the80sweregreat

I've already had an invite next few weeks and dreading it ! Like others, the lockdown did suit me at times. I feel your pain op.

Just say you can't make it then, or that you don't fancy it. You must be a nice person that someone wants to see you, so I'm sure that you could tactfully say that you just don't fancy going out.

OP I spent years trying to make myself fit in with people and nights out I didn’t really wanna go on.... then I realised it was fine to just want to be with my family and not have loads of friends or attend social events I didn’t want to go to. I am just honest and say I don’t want to go they stop askin after a couple of times lol xx

Yes maybe just breakaway from them at this point. Run on your own or with main club. Because they will get fed up asking you & eventually stop & they might feel it's awkward meeting up & chatting about the great day in the spa that you not invited to! I would be that organizer of drinks / meet ups of parents in children classes to get to know other parents at the beginning. There's always some who am sure we're like 'god I wish she'd stop asking me' & have zero interest. However for first year or two I always included them in invite so not to leave them out but it didn't bother me if they didn't come & the times they came it was hard work as they didn't seem to want to be there! Eventually the group whittled down into couple different friendship groups. I hope I never get to stage where am not open to meeting new friends.

They’re being kind.

Pressuring someone to do something they have repeatedly politely refused, isn’t being kind. Kind is backing off.

@CirclesWithinCircles you sound judgey as hell and I’m not sure why you think everyone should live as you do. It’s people like you who make some of us wary of new ‘friends’

It’s funny how people assumed OP doesn’t have any other friends from her post. Glad she cleared that up. As for @CirclesWithinCircles somebody obviously said no to hanging out with you once and you’ve been pissed ever since

Read ‘the power of no’. It changed my life. I can say no, with no reason and not feel pressured or guilty. It’s my life. And if people like you they tend to still like you even if you say no to them a few times.

Just keep saying no nicely but with no excuses and they’ll respect you much more than the ones who say yes and then don’t turn up

@CirclesWithinCircles

I'm also a runner, and I'd hazard a guess that having taken it up recently in the near super veteran category, you're what a lot of runners would call a "social runner" ie you run with a group partly for social reasons such as motivation, safety and company, not to train to win races or get qualified subsidised coaching. As an adult, you shouldn't need pointing out to you that using people in the way you are and not reciprocating in terms of giving them your friendship (it's not really a lot to, ask) is rather selfish.

Even competitive level runners are encouraged to be sociable, you travel to races together with all age groups on the club bus, you support each other, you encourage beginners. You also swap advice, give tips on recovering from injury prevention, shoes, etc..

In biological terms, it's referred to as social facilitation and it makes use of human nature to keep us encouraged when doing certain activities. Running clubs encourage it because it works.

So my guess is that you will stop running regularly pretty soon.

Wow! That’s like saying that if you work with people then you MUST socialise, or if you do an art class then you MUST go to the organised suppers etc - NO!

You sound just like me!

They are being nice, not wanting to leave you out. Maybe they really do want you as a friend and would be upset at your rejections. If they are younger and don't have families yet they may not understand why you prefer to stay at home. You say that one of them is expecting a baby. I would go to the shower personally, as it's obviously a big deal for her. How would you feel if you were holding a baby shower and people refused to go? When she's had the baby, she will probably appreciate family time more and understand why you prefer to stay in. You don't need to go out with them much, and don't go if you would spend the evening in a grump! But occasions such as the baby shower, birthdays etc. would be good for you to get out now and then. It would also show that you're willing to be a good friend, and you never know, you might enjoy it!

Generalising much, @CirclesWithinCircles. Patronising the OP, too.

[quote Leverover]@CirclesWithinCircles you sound judgey as hell and I’m not sure why you think everyone should live as you do. It’s people like you who make some of us wary of new ‘friends’[/quote]
I don't think that. I really don't care that much. I have simply been brought up to respond positively to attempts by people to be friendly towards me.

I do think that the internet attracts a higher proportion of people who prefer to socialise virtually than in real life. Every running club I've been a member of has either a social events officer or a social committee. Its a big part of the sport. People will often assume someone is lonely or shy if they don't come along but will eventually get used to them not doing so. But running is full of quite introverted people, and many of them make an effort to come to a social or two.

This is a baby shower, fgs! The woman is excited about her first baby! Its not as if she has been repeatedly harassing anyone with constant phone calls and texts to come along (at least I hope not OP!). They just probably don't want the OP to feel left out. Imagine if they hadn't invited her because she is older than them.

I think if anyone accused the social committee or events organiser of the things I've been accused of on here, they would think they were total nutcases.

@Stripyhoglets1

I'd just be honest and say - I'm a real introvert - I love running with you all but I really find other types of socialising are not for me - hope you all have a fab time doing xxxx.

Yes, this. But you can’t control whether people think you’re boring or not, you can just be honest and say it’s not for you.