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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

181 replies

paul2louise · 05/05/2021 00:25

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/05/2021 15:18

These threads always get heated!

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out with your running buddies all the time, but I think your response about the baby shower/spa weekend was really rude.

There are ways of saying no without being offensive and making other people feel bad for even thinking of you.

Frequentflier · 07/05/2021 15:22

I think the OP has left:)

Have seen lots of threads by women who feel left out and excluded by "cliques" and complaining about how hard it is to make friends in their forties ( I am one of these), so I don't think the group is in the wrong here. But a simple " Weekends are for family" should work. I have backed off when women put it that way.

TiltTopTable · 07/05/2021 15:22

OP says she doesn't want to socialise, posters tell her she's wrong. Surely everyone is different and it's ok to not want to socialise? I'm sure a man saying the same thing wouldn't get a lecture on how selfish they are for not having a social life, and I know plenty of men who, if it weren't for their female partners, would happily live like hermits.

daisyjgrey · 07/05/2021 15:22

I am wildly anti social, I'm upfront about it. I get invited to things, sometimes I go, sometimes I say I'd rather not, nobody gets annoyed as I've been fairly clear from the offset.

HugeBowlofChips · 07/05/2021 15:23

I would shit sandwich it

I really love running with you and am so glad we met.

Please don't think I am being rude, but I am a massive introvert and I am not really into socialising.

But you go and have a brilliant time. Thank you for thinking to include me.

lap90 · 07/05/2021 15:24

Like you said, you might be better not running with anyone else and going back to running on your own... or with your son and 'hubby'.

With a small group like that and conversation about that lunch out or preparation for x's baby shower, you may very well start to feel left out anyway.

Sounds easier than the constant pressure you feel with a little bit of socialising outside of your family bubble.

HugeBowlofChips · 07/05/2021 15:25

I often have to say things like this. Some people get it. The ones who don't never will.

Frequentflier · 07/05/2021 15:35

I am new to the UK, about the same age as the OP, and am beginning to realise that I have probably inadvertently caused great stress by suggesting a coffee or lunch on the weekends to various acquaintances :) I had assumed that women in their late forties would be keen on some time away from home post lockdown. I certainly am.

Rewis · 07/05/2021 15:38

I'm not big fan on of using introversion as an excuse. But then again I'm so annoyed at the division and using it as black and white concepts.

But you can say that you would like to keep running but prefer to have family time on the weekends. Could be that your running friendships fizzles out if they start spending more time together, but that's that something that happens.

Topseyt · 07/05/2021 15:45

Just politely decline any social invitations you don't want to go to. I don't think it matters if you just want to be involved in the running side of things at all.

Regarding the baby shower, don't go for just an hour. That never works and you always end up staying for longer because leaving would feel rude. Congratulate her and then supply your gift. You can give it to one of the others to take in your place and can either cite prior engagements or simply explain that it really isn't your scene.

1forAll74 · 07/05/2021 16:02

Just be your own person, and run with these people when you wish to, and decline any other things they wish to arrange. You are not duty bound to do other things with them. Saying no to some things,is not a crime..

I would never get involved with any women groups, there is almost always a couple who can get in your face,and be very annoying and tedious to be around.

RiverSkater · 07/05/2021 16:42

Keep your options open socially, it's best not to confine yourself to your husband and child. Men have a way if messing it all up just when you are all comfy. Confused

One day you might need a listening ear or two.

It's also good to have a wide range of people to be friends withSmile

Squirrelblanket · 07/05/2021 16:48

I love @HugeBowlofChips idea, but I agree with @Rewis that I wouldn't mention the introversion.
I think it sounds a bit pretentious, and I am a hardcore introvert! Grin

I'd just state the truth for the 'sandwich filling'. You are not a huge socialiser and prefer spending the weekends with your family.

RampantIvy · 07/05/2021 17:07

Wow, this has escalated. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. A very good friend of mine is very much an introvert, but she has loads of friends because she is so lovely. She just doesn't do big groups and sees people on her own terms when it suits her.

DH and I WFH, and DD is at university, so I don't worship at the altar of "family time". If friends want to see me at the weekend then I am delighted to see them. I was out all Saturday afternoon last weekend and had a blast. TBH it made a change to see someone else, and just to get out of the house.

I thinks that lying isn't the way to go, just something along the lines of "thank you for asking me, but it isn't really my thing" is a polite way of saying thank you but no thank you.

Original poster
paul2louise · 07/05/2021 17:54

I have been running 10 years plus. I was running in a bigger group but covid forced us to run in small groups and couples. We set up a group that regularly liked a very social run group of 6. More chatting less running. I run around 100 miles a month half the time solo, once or twice a week with a friend and once a week with this group. I will run in ANY weather. So running is very much my escape. I like the odd social run. I have other running friends from the bigger group that I meet with as well. I am not being unfriendly and ALWAYS turn up when I have said I would. But I just don't want extra pressure to meet up.

OP posts:
Original poster
paul2louise · 07/05/2021 18:04

I am definitely not an introvert. But I am happy in my own space. In my 20s I went to everything. I have just got more comfy and find a few closer friends more important than lots of acquaintances. I have friends at work, friends of mum's of kids in my son's year that I meet with and some I run with. My larger running group has been very much a run once or twice a week and only the odd social event like a Christmas meal. It's just this sub group that has started to get more about the social and less about the running. It has been rumoured from a few in the main group that we are too cliquey.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 08/05/2021 09:44

How are you feeling about the group now - are you going to move on, talk to them to clarify your position or just carry on fudging and feeling grumpy?

Original poster
paul2louise · 08/05/2021 10:48

Thanks I have got plenty of help now

OP posts:
thevassal · 08/05/2021 10:50

everything @CirclesWithinCircles has said.

You don't want to be thought of as antisocial - but not wanting to socialise with even people you like is, surely, the definition of anti social! I wouldn't say that makes you boring, but you can't have both sides - if you want people to think of you as social you need to, um, socialise with them!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to socialise with them, or preferring to spend time with your family, but it is weird to quote your age etc as some sort of justification "I'm 48! Surely everyone knows that nobody over 30 spends time out! At night! with friends!"

Reorder the way you think about it - instead of thinking about it negatively as 'pressure' - think 'oh it's nice of them to invite me, they must like me, I don't really want to go but I'll thank them for asking me.' They are doing a nice thing and you are making it sound horrible! The only person putting "pressure" on is yourself, I'm sure they are not hugely bothered either way if one person does/n't come.

CirclesWithinCircles · 08/05/2021 12:13

The nice thing about people you meet through sport is that they are generally completed disinterested in what age you are. All they care about is that you do the same sport as them, and to a lesser degree, whether you are of a similar level to them.

Things have been different of late with regards to Covid rules on training group sizes and a lot of people have been lonely in lockdown arnd are probably desperate to socialise again.

Some of the bigger sports clubs really are effectively social clubs as well, many people meet their partners through them or they form a big part of their social lives. Many people also bring their non sporty partners along with them to socials too. Pre covid, I regularly socialised with people ranging from their teens to their mid seventies through my sport - everyone's welcome, equally in big clubs, some people just don't want to socialise at all. I've also got two jobs, including my first graduate job, through people I met through my sport and speaking to at socials. I'm quite friendly with a group of women runners in their fifties who are all divorced, in my club. They're great fun, and damned fast as well!

Viewing all of this in a negative and heavily critical way really is a very unusual thing, perhaps mostly reserved for Internet warriors.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 08/05/2021 12:21

The thing is...children grow up, marriages fall apart and sadly husbands die.

If you live a life with just your husband and children, what happens if something bad happens?
What happens when your kid goes to uni and your dh gets a job meaning he is away all week?
Would you really be happy to be alone all the time?

I don't have tons of friends but i do have a small group of women friends who really enhance my life.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/05/2021 12:26

Just be honest if they're nice they'll understand why and continue with the running.
I don't like drinking and definitely less social than I have been pre DC.
I loved socialising.

eatsleepread · 08/05/2021 12:29

I'm not sure why you even bother running with them. Why not just do it on your own ... or with your husband and child.

Sloth66 · 08/05/2021 12:33

I’m pretty introverted too, but I have friends I like to see, and I enjoy seeing them as it’s adds a different dimension and interest.
I would be wary of shutting the door on this, and only seeing family. It won’t be long before your DS wants to spend weekends with friends.
There was a mother at my ds. School who chose never to join in with anything, saying what you do, that the weekends are only for family. Sadly her situation is very different now.

rarzy · 08/05/2021 12:34

I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin

I don't get why the above is relevant?

Are you worried about not having time for running?