Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

Limiting most social interactions to your immediate nuclear family isn't an introversion trait, it's a social choice.

But she is socialising with them at running club. Socialising isn't just going to the pub or dinner.

I don't think the OP sounds unpleasant at all!

I can't really be bothered going out either and try and dodge invitations. I'm not particularly bothered about making new friends, and after a week of work and running about after the kids I am perfectly happy to watch a film or read a book with a cup of tea.

Sure my children will grow up and leave and I possibly might be bored, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I would hate that! My husband's running friends are all super grumpy. They run, and only VERY OCCASIONALLY they meet outside running, but I think a large part of that is that we wives happen to like each other!

Just decline the social events and emphasise that you love running with them.

What she does describe is poorly trained and developed social skills which make her come across as a bit selfish and only interested in what she can get from other people.

What crap, going for a run with other people means you have their company on the run and they have yours. It's a mutual exchange, she owes them nothing.

I also don't think the OP sounds unpleasant either. I'm a member of 2 groups, we get on great within the groups doing the activity we joined the groups for...that's where it ends. I've got a great group of friends that I socialise with, the groups are for my hobbies and that's where it ends for me, I don't join in with any of the 'other' social events they organise as I'm busy with work, family and friends

I love the way that the "people who are very sociable* thing is being levelled almost as an accusation.

I'm actually quite happy spending time on my own and was a very shy young adult, but as I've developed as an adult, I've realised it's good to have friends. I'm not great at parties but neither are lots of people and again thats something you can definitely learn.

I do think that if people make the effort to be friendly and invite you to things, you should make at least an occasional effort to go along. It's actually benefitted my professional life due to contacts made through running, and when I've lived abroad, its enabled me to make friends and feel quite integrated in a foreign country.

I do have a friend who suffers from agarophobia and possibly ASPD but certainly depression, withdrawal and associated problems, and that started out as a dislike of socialising and friends, and a refusal to make an effort. But thats an actual clinical disorder different from what the OP describes (I think) and its terribly sad to witness such a downward spiral.

She doesn't sound unpleasant or selfish at all to me either. And she hasn't said that she doesn't have any friends, just that she mainly likes spending time with her family, and doesn't want to socialise with her running mates. I climb once a week with a group but we don't socialise at all other than that. As human beings we all socialise - whether it's with established mates or a quick hello to the guy in the newsagents - it's just to a greater or lesser extent than others.

Just be honest and say that your weekends are family time.

You may be better finding a running club that you can turn upto each week without socialising. For these women it sounds like the running is turning into a friendship/socialising opportunity. Which is fine, but you may find that naturally they stop including you at all.

I would also echo a previous poster that as your son starts secondary school, he is likely to find his own friends and social life.

It is possible to have a husband, children and your own friends.

Can’t believe some of the comments on here, so if you join a club, and befriend other members at that club through a mutual enjoyment of whatever it is you are doing, you should then feel obliged to commit to other activities/social events outside the club or your grumpy ?! That’s mad! And those saying socialise outside your immediate family as one day your children will be grown up, exactly, some of us would prefer to make the most of that and then cross that bridge when the time comes. OP I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all and it’s ok not to be a social butterfly!! Completely ok!! What with work, kids, husband AND A hobby! I wouldn’t even have time for much else or I’d feel burnt out! I’d just say no!

I'm just really open and honest about this stuff now OP. Being with people too much overwhelms me - i just explain that to people. Everyone understands. I never make a big deal out of it, usually shove in a big dose of self deprecation.

Luckily everyone in my life is nice. So my lovely work colleagues totally understand when I say no to every night out. I have a group of friends through one if my dc - luckily they aren't high maintenence people who believe I'm not committed to friendships if I regularly duck out of the bigger/longer social stuff.

I found a lot about @CirclesWithinCircles posts really offensive. It's not a strange British thing involving capping friendships. I need lots of downtime/ no.contact time. Why should I feel obliged to fit into other peoples beliefs about how I should and shouldn't be? I wouldn't dream of imposing my way of being on others.

And as for @CirclesWithinCircles 'prediction' about the OP giving up running soon - Plain nasty. No matter how experienced you are as a runner, you don't own running and all the knowledge related to it.

If you were comfortable in your skin you would just tell them and not worry about how they think of you.

PPs are correct though - it's always good to have people outside your husband and children to rely on.

'Introvert' is the word you need to Google to understand this. There's lots of information out there about how people's social needs differ. No need to be in the dark about it!

There is no need to be so snippy @NuffSaidSam. I know perfectly well what an introvert is, I am married to one. Even introverts like to have friends. They might not like parties and large groups of people, or find that being with people for any length of time exhausts them, but it is still nice to have a friend outside of your immediate family circle. DH has friends.

I'm an introverted, but even I find the not socialising beyond husband and children approach that comes up on here to be odd. Limiting most social interactions to your immediate nuclear family isn't an introversion trait, it's a social choice

This ^^ illustrates my point perfectly.

Also, I'm curious to know how people who don't want to make new friends manage to meet their partners/husbands.

I feel mean and antisocial.

Are you?

I don’t have an issue with you choosing not to attend lots of social events with this group if that’s your wish but you do come across as mean and bitter about the pregnant lady - why is it relevant that your child is 10 - why is this about you? Can you not find joy and warmth in this news?

Also the baby shower is different - it should be a joint initiative arranged by all 5 of you for this lady and you have been pretty socially clumsy saying you will drop in for an hour - as a group I would expect you to contribute or participate more on this specific event.

How would it be if all the other 4 said they would just drop in for an hour? Not much of a baby shower. Give just a little. These nice ladies have given you their time and friendship in the running group - it might make you feel better about yourself - so that you don’t feel mean and antisocial

Also your solution of just leaving the group because you feel unable to communicate is likely the pattern you have reached for in life as a way to avoid communication of your needs.

Just politely decline without excuses then, the ‘I can only come for an hour’ sounds a bit odd and I can tell you really resent going.
I’m an ‘extroverted introvert’ but I’ve really pushed myself to say yes to things, and whilst in the run up I always wish I’d declined, after the event I’ve always enjoyed and been glad I accepted. Maybe you could be more open to these things and find you’ll actually enjoy it?

Its like when someone in work wants to invite you to a party or a club night. You can say something like "Thanks for the invitation. I appreciate being asked but Im not much of a party person so Ill politely decline. Have a great night out."

This was the kind of thing older people (particularly bosses) would say when I was younger and we accepted that they did not want to socialize with us. Some people appreciate the kind thought of being asked but have other plans.

‘Thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate it, but I’m content with my family at the weekends’

,Also, I'm curious to know how people who don't want to make new friends manage to meet their partners/husbands

YES, I always wonder this! Even if you meet through work or online, do you really just hang out with each other from the first date, and nobody else? Who was at your wedding? Maybe you each have 7 siblings and have never needed friends?

@HoboSexualOnslow

I'm 10 years younger than you and have recently found my strongest friendships have been colleagues and running buddies. I never thought this would happen! I believe we should be open to friendships at every stage of life and it's very insular to only want to spend time with family. At some point it will only be your husband left, you might fibd you're quite lonely. If you really don't want to socialise with them as PP have said - just tell them.

She hasn't said that. For all we know she has a demanding career and other family commitments beyond her son and husband.

She's also 48, and the rest of the runners are younger.

When I had babies and toddlers, I was far more involved with women friends ; we were each others support system. Decades later we are still all friends but in looser terms; life moved on. We're different women from our younger versions. More experienced, more resilient, more self-assured.

We have all reached a stage where we have the maturity and confidence to know exactly what we want, and how to get it, and we're living it and appreciating it. Just like OP.

The best is yet to come, grasshoppers. You just don't know it yet.

@Flowers500

It sounds like you could really do with having some friends. If anything ever goes wrong with your marriage and when your children get older you’ll basically just be alone in the world. Nobody you can rely on, nobody to see. It sounds pretty miserable to me and not a great life plan. Your kid will soon be old enough to not want to hang out with you.

Sorry OP this crossed my mind too.

Be honest with them if you do not want to socialise but be prepared for the group dynamics to change, as they become closer they may distance themselves from you. They may find it akward to talk about past/future plans in front of you.

@CirclesWithinCircles

I love the way that the "people who are very sociable* thing is being levelled almost as an accusation.

I'm actually quite happy spending time on my own and was a very shy young adult, but as I've developed as an adult, I've realised it's good to have friends. I'm not great at parties but neither are lots of people and again thats something you can definitely learn.

I do think that if people make the effort to be friendly and invite you to things, you should make at least an occasional effort to go along. It's actually benefitted my professional life due to contacts made through running, and when I've lived abroad, its enabled me to make friends and feel quite integrated in a foreign country.

I do have a friend who suffers from agarophobia and possibly ASPD but certainly depression, withdrawal and associated problems, and that started out as a dislike of socialising and friends, and a refusal to make an effort. But thats an actual clinical disorder different from what the OP describes (I think) and its terribly sad to witness such a downward spiral.

That suits you so crack on but it doesn't suit everyone

Do you have friends outside your marriage OP? It's very unwise to invest everything in one person, you never know when you'll need a support network.

if you tell them they are good enough for a run but you can't be bothered to see them anywhere else, it's unpleasant

what a load of nonsense

Socialising is very different to running socially.

But really? You literally don't want to do anything unless it's with your family

That doesn't seem weird to me at all. There have been lots of threads on here over the years where people have said that they find it hard to make friends and one of the key reasons is because the people they meet prioritise family and close existing friends and aren't interested in making (new) friends.

I would keep your options open. I would let them know that you're normally busy at weekends but that you may be able to join occasional non-running events so they continue inviting you.

It's fine for friendships to develop at different speeds. Not all friendships belong in the fast lane. But give them credit for making the effort... if we all focused on our own families rather than trying to build social links, the world would be a much lonelier, more isolating place.

I suppose it all boils down to personal choice OP, but as someone else has already pointed out, you’re a bit vulnerable without friends.