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AIBU?

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Original poster

Strip club

258 replies

amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 16:19

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

OP posts:
Covetthee · 04/05/2021 16:24

I really don’t agree with it, who cares if its a stag do, why does the groom need a send off full of naked women? Its gross to me and disrespectful to the bride to be.

My husband knew my views on this, and any stag do he has been on he has left when it came to that portion of the night , his friends take the piss out of him still for leaving early on stag do’s but he respects my wishes and i think any decent man should do the same

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/05/2021 16:26

I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers.

It doesn’t matter particularly how any else feels or if they think it’s fine. If your DP going is a dealbreaker for you and he’s determined that’s he’s going to, then you have a conversation to have about the future of your relationship.

Pumperthepumper · 04/05/2021 16:30

They’re exploitative and for that reason alone I couldn’t be with someone who thought paying for a woman to do his bidding was absolutely fine entertainment.

It’s funny how we teach teenagers not to give in to peer pressure yet grown men are unable to make a stand to their friends and say they’re not doing it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/05/2021 16:30

Personally. Meh because I went to strip show on my hen...

And yes. I heard same as @ComtesseDeSpair and I agree with the rest of her post

trevthecat · 04/05/2021 16:32

It wouldn't bother me. Him getting a dance would though. I have been to strip shows on hen dos. I trust him to be honest

MistyGreenAndBlue · 04/05/2021 16:32

Frankly, the minute he said he'd been to them before it would be over for me. No man who thinks this is ok is welcome in my life.
Women are not objects.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/05/2021 16:32

I've been in strip clubs. Some a bit of a dive, some nice. One thing remains is that the woman work bloody hard, they make the money on private dances (or the expensive alcohol) so they spend the time they aren't on stage walking around, chatting, flirting.

But all that is neither here nor there really. If you aren't OK with him going then it's a boundary for your relationship and he can either respect that or there is a conversation to be had.

Temp023 · 04/05/2021 16:35

Why not check with the bride and see what she thinks?

Dollywilde · 04/05/2021 16:35

I generally dislike them. DH and I once fell out because I asked him if they’d gone to a strip club on a stag, he said no because he knew I’d disapprove and then I later found out he’d gone. Obviously the lie was the issue there and he now knows that doing it for an easy life is a bad idea and could lead to a split in future.

Basically I don’t ban him from them, because he’s an adult, but I do have a lengthy conversation with him about female exploitation before he goes. Because if you’re going to make that decision you shouldn’t be able to hide away from the ethics of it.

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 16:35

Oh comtess that is good to know.

He's always known how I've felt, we've had this conversation before and he's never once admitted to already going to one.

Most of the men are already married, if not they're in long term relationships with children so I really don't know who the instigator is.

I've told him to wait outside, he said they'll be in there for a few hours so couldn't possibly do that. I said I can guarantee I'm not the only wife who has an issue and I bet others are having this same conversation now.

I honestly don't think I could look at him the same if he goes, I'm already sick with worry at just the thought of it. It would really really knock my confidence further. That might sound ridiculous and I wish I didn't feel like this but I just don't get the need for him to be so desperate to go to his 6th strip club, especially when he's with me. I don't get it.

OP posts:
Chitaufree · 04/05/2021 16:36

I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers

I’ve heard the same.

As long as my DH wasn’t getting private dances, it wouldn’t bother me

sqirrelfriends · 04/05/2021 16:40

They're a cliche but also deeply unsexy, the one I went to (not by choice) was disgusting and dirty. Some men might get a thrill from being there but for most it's just something that's generally done on stag do's.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/05/2021 16:41

Yeah there's no way it's going to be a quick 10 minutes so waiting outside would be daft.

Is it the groom who wants to go or the organiser who has decided? Are there plans for afterwards or is that the final destination?

DH went to one of the classier establishments on his stag do then on to a club after so if that's not an option then anyone not going to the strip club could go for a pint or two and rejoin for the club after?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/05/2021 16:41

I just don't get the need for him to be so desperate to go to his 6th strip club, especially when he's with me. I don't get it.

I don't think he is desperate to go to strip club. I think he is desperate not to be the one out of the group.

FeistySheep · 04/05/2021 16:47

I think that deliberately looking at any other person in a sexual way is cheating. My DH agrees (or he wouldn't be my DH)! I wouldn't want to have to 'stop him' going if he wanted to - just the fact he wanted to would be a dealbreaker.
If it was the case that he didn't really want to go and cheat on me by looking at other women, but he felt he 'had to' go to fit in with the lads, I would question why he didn't feel he could stand up for what he believes in, and why he thought keeping his mates happy was more important than being faithful to his wife.
I'm not even going to get into the morality of strip clubs. I don't think they're okay even if all the men attending are single.

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 16:49

Feisty, I completely agree with everything you've said. To me, looking at half naked people and going somewhere purposely to look at them is cheating and I honestly don't think I have the strength to get over it. I know to some people that sounds absolutely stupid though, and god do I wish I was one of those people

OP posts:
FeistySheep · 04/05/2021 16:53

Sorry @amioverreactng Flowers Hope you both manage to sort it out x

QuizzlyBear · 04/05/2021 16:53

Honestly? Unless I had serious concerns about my DH (wandering eye?) I wouldn't give it more than a second thought. If he wanted to see naked women, in all honesty he could do so on his phone / laptop / tv or (shocker) check out his own wife. He's not really going for that.

My DH has been to strip clubs on stag dos before, he was faintly embarrassed but went along as it was more of a male bonding thing. He'd have been hugely humiliated if he'd had to wait outside because I'd 'said no' - and I wouldn't see the need anyway. Yes, it's grim and pretty seedy, but it's actually about the group he's there with, not the women onstage.

Pumperthepumper · 04/05/2021 16:58

@QuizzlyBear

Honestly? Unless I had serious concerns about my DH (wandering eye?) I wouldn't give it more than a second thought. If he wanted to see naked women, in all honesty he could do so on his phone / laptop / tv or (shocker) check out his own wife. He's not really going for that.

My DH has been to strip clubs on stag dos before, he was faintly embarrassed but went along as it was more of a male bonding thing. He'd have been hugely humiliated if he'd had to wait outside because I'd 'said no' - and I wouldn't see the need anyway. Yes, it's grim and pretty seedy, but it's actually about the group he's there with, not the women onstage.

If that was true they’d all just go to the pub. The difference is the subservient, half-naked women. And the difference between looking at someone on a phone and someone standing right in front of them is huge - it’s closer to him paying for a webcam live strip, which I’m guessing you wouldn’t be thrilled about.
Zebraaa · 04/05/2021 17:00

@FeistySheep
Sorry to break it to you but your husband probably sees a woman in the street he finds sexually attractive every single day.

emilyfrost · 04/05/2021 17:05

I've told him to wait outside,

You don’t get to tell him what to do; he’s not a child. You express your feelings and he chooses how to act knowing them.

Quite frankly I don’t see the issue. He’s allowed to look, and he’s allowed to find other women attractive. Whether he does to a strip club or not that doesn’t stop him finding others beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It doesn’t mean he loves you any less.

emilyfrost · 04/05/2021 17:06

[quote Zebraaa]@FeistySheep
Sorry to break it to you but your husband probably sees a woman in the street he finds sexually attractive every single day.[/quote]
Yep.

janeapple111 · 04/05/2021 17:10

I have been to a strip club once, I was on holiday, and encouraged to go in by men I was with. I went in and had a few drinks.

They are very , very sexual. The one I was at had a room upstairs where men could pay to have sex with the women if they wanted to. I definitely would not be happy with a boyfriend going to one

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 17:10

Emily- you're right, I don't get a right to do that. And I probably worded it wrong, it was more of a suggestion that he was to wait outside/head to a different pub and meet them there but yes you're right in everything he's said.

The sad thing is, I know it's probably all my own issue and my own insecurities and I'm putting them onto him and it isn't fair but it hurts and I can't explain it

OP posts:
AlexaNeverListens · 04/05/2021 17:11

Wouldn't bother me tbh. But then having been to one or two back in the day, I think they're more cringe than sexy.

I wouldn't stop my DP going.

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