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Original poster

Strip club

258 replies

amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 16:19

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

OP posts:
FeistySheep · 04/05/2021 17:12

@Zebraaa yes I'm certain he does! But he chooses not to ogle them, and that's the difference.
I know men are more visually driven than women (generalisation) but that doesn't mean I shouldn't hold DH to the same standards I expect from myself. This means accepting that anyone can momentarily think 'wow s/he's hot!' but they should straightaway think 'I've made a promise to my wife' and look away from said hot person. Choosing not to act on what they've noticed. That's what DH and I agree on.
Other people are welcome to different boundaries, but these are mine and DH's. Many women will say 'all mean cheat/lie' etc, but what they actually mean is 'all men they've known'. They don't know mine.

Vamoosh80 · 04/05/2021 17:12

Although I wouldn't be thrilled about the concept I would prefer to be told about it beforehand and not 1) after the event as an "oh it was completely unplanned and I had no idea" type thing or 2) have him lie and say he didn't go when he did.
I understand where you're coming from. My husband is like this too and never wants to differ with his friends. So I know if it were my DH he'd go anyway even if I said I had a problem with it and it would upset me. So I guess you just need to consider how you might feel about that in case that's what ends up happening.
Advice of a previous poster about having another rendezvous point somewhere else a bit later is a good idea. There may be others in the group that would also rather not participate.
I don't think I'll ever understand why men need to do these things though to have a good time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2021 17:12

DH wouldn’t go. My ex went on a friend’s stag do and on one night some of the guys went to a stag do but my ex and a few others skipped it. It’s perfectly possible to enjoy going away for a stag and miss parts of it you don’t agree with. My ex and the other strip club skippers drank sensibly priced pints in a nice pub and took the piss out of the ones who chose to go.

Dh wouldn’t go and if he was being pressured to go to a strip club as part of the stag he’d rather miss the whole thing. Friends don’t bully each other into doing things they don’t want to do when they’re grown ups. It’s pathetic.

janeapple111 · 04/05/2021 17:15

He is not going to be able to stand outside on his own for a few hours. You need to suggest a viable alternative. He needs to find one of the guys that also wont go in, and go and sit with him in a bar. But then he will likely be laughed at by all of his friends. Peer pressure is very real among men, so if you tell him not to go in, he will probably go in anyway, not because he really wants to go in, but because he won't want to get laughed at by his friends for being whipped by his wife

2morecats · 04/05/2021 17:31

OP, can you say which strip club it is? They vary a lot!

Some are really seedy, vile environments. Put it this way, the women are far from supermodels (despite what may be depicted in advertising material). There used to be one in East London where I lived years ago where you could hear them chanting “we can see your cellulite” as you walked by. Hideous place. They used to stub their fags out on the strippers legs while they danced in tables.

Even in the more “upmarket” clubs, these women make their money out of private dances which will be fully naked and as up close as you can get away with. Even if your DH isn’t having a private dance of his own, he will very likely be chipping in for the stag to have one. This is the whole point. So how does he feel about that? Will he be smiling along at the wedding service and congratulating the bride, knowing that he chipped in to have some naked woman rub herself all over her new husband only weeks before? Hypocrite.

Also, you can never be sure how women get into this business. Yes they may tell you they’re doing it to pay their college fees or whatever, but a lot are Eastern European. Ok, maybe they weren’t trafficked into that job ... but what was the back story? Do these men ever bother to ask? No. They will tell themselves the woman enjoys writhing around naked for them, what a laugh etc, but maybe somewhere down the line it’s been anything but a laugh. Maybe she’s been raped, abused, drugged, beaten and who knows? The point is, they don’t want to know. If that makes a good night out, well, you decide.

By the way OP, you have the right to feel however you feel. Don’t doubt yourself. Listen to your gut instinct and don’t be gaslighted into doubting yourself on this one.

And yes, do you know the bride? How goes she feel? Does she know?

manchote · 04/05/2021 17:32

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest from the perspective of worrying about him ogling naked girls - very secure in our relationship and I know he would be going for the male bonding aspect/for the stags amusement. If he got a dance I'd be a bit surprised and probably grossed out but I doubt he would.

But it would bother me simply on the basis that I think strip clubs are sad, exploitative places, so I would be disappointed on that basis especially if he "enjoyed it" / thought it was funny. But I'm 99% sure he would just find it awkward and depressing.

I've been to one strip club when I was a student and it was a depressing, sad, unsexy affair and just left me feeling sorry for the girls.

SlothMamaToBe · 04/05/2021 17:33

OP I’m in similar situation. My DP is going to stag in another city in a few weeks time. I made it very clear I don’t agree with them and that it’s a boundary for me. We had a huge fall out because he thought I was being controlling but later said he wouldn’t want to go in one anyway 🙄. Like you it’s made me pretty sick with worry but all I can do is let him know how much it would hurt me and then it’s up to him if he chooses to go ahead and go that . I think it’s fine and healthy to have boundaries in a relationship- some people are ok with certain things in their relationship and others aren’t.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/05/2021 17:34

I would feel disappointed in his choice to exchange money to watch women remove their clothes and perform naked.
It would have me questioning his morals, his attitude towards women and our relationship. I wouldn't feel insecure, cheated on or not enough for him. Those are 2 totally different reasons to be unhappy about a DP visiting a strip club.

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 17:36

2morecats - unfortunately I don't know the bride well enough to ask, I'm only going to the wedding because I'm with DP. I don't even know if the groom knows he's going to one yet, all his mates are the ones planning the stag do

OP posts:
Orangebug · 04/05/2021 17:36

I'd be OK with it on a stag night. Not on a normal night out though.

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 17:36

But he has said that on all of the other stag dos he's been on and a couple of nights out they all end up in the strip club for hours. Apparently he won't be buying a dance but Would he tell me if he did? Who knows

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/05/2021 17:37

Wouldn’t bother me, I’d just say it’s a bit pathetic and cliche- I don’t really blame a man for not wanting to make a “stand” against his mates going

OwlinaTree · 04/05/2021 17:37

I wouldn't like it if my DH went all the time on his own, but as part of a stag with a big group, I'd not have an issue with tbh.

janeapple111 · 04/05/2021 17:37

@Justmuddlingalong

I would feel disappointed in his choice to exchange money to watch women remove their clothes and perform naked. It would have me questioning his morals, his attitude towards women and our relationship. I wouldn't feel insecure, cheated on or not enough for him. Those are 2 totally different reasons to be unhappy about a DP visiting a strip club.
But if strip clubs exist, and they do everywhere, men are going to go into them.

Maybe we should look at it from a wider view, why do they exist, why are they not illegal?

janeapple111 · 04/05/2021 17:39

Men are way, way too weak to stand up to their friends.

It could be something that they really do not agree with personally, but if their friends are doing it , they will do it.

The fear of not being seen as a man is big. Also it is not cool for men to respect women around men who are not respecting women.

Say you are a man, you are in a group of 15 men going to a strip club. Would you have the mental strength to stand up to those 14 men, and not go?

Original poster
amioverreactng · 04/05/2021 17:40

Sloth - I completely agree

OP posts:
trancepants · 04/05/2021 17:43

Utter dealbreaker here. Anyone who thinks it’s ok to go to a stripclub doesn’t respect women as equals. They just don’t. And I don’t intend on wasting a minute of my life with someone who doesn’t respect me as an equal.

Aqua55 · 04/05/2021 17:44

@janeapple111

Men are way, way too weak to stand up to their friends.

It could be something that they really do not agree with personally, but if their friends are doing it , they will do it.

The fear of not being seen as a man is big. Also it is not cool for men to respect women around men who are not respecting women.

Say you are a man, you are in a group of 15 men going to a strip club. Would you have the mental strength to stand up to those 14 men, and not go?

I feel really sad for you, as obviously, you haven't met any decent men yet Sad
An0n0n0n · 04/05/2021 17:46

I disagree with it. My partner and his mates wouldnt find it entertaining, just awkward.

Tell him youll send a picture if your boobs to his mates if its just a laugh. Funnily enough it wont be when its your body and he feels he will be the butt of a joke.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 04/05/2021 17:47

DH and I go to strip clubs together. He also went to one on his stag do.
It depends on the men and the club. Some are seedy gross places where you can pay extra for extra. Some men treat the women like objects and see what they can get away with.
We've had women far sexier than me dance for us. But I've no doubt that my husband isn't with me for my body. I don't worry at all that he'll think this woman's nipples are prettier than mine and cheat on me or leave me.
We like watching them dance and seeing boobs and we have a private dance together, it's fun. We talk to the girls and some probably do do it because it she only way they can make money, but I think that's the case with most jobs that don't require qualifications, but lots enjoy it and have careers outside of the club. We were both surprised when we went to one on holiday and the girls grabbed our hands and put them on their bodies. The rules in the ones we go to in England have always been that you keep you keep your hands palm down on the seat. And the bouncers are good at protecting the women.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/05/2021 17:47

But if strip clubs exist, and they do everywhere, men are going to go into them.
Some men. I don't think we can assume just because it's legal that all men are going to visit them.

WarwickHunt · 04/05/2021 17:48

@trevthecat

It wouldn't bother me. Him getting a dance would though. I have been to strip shows on hen dos. I trust him to be honest
I agree with this - not a big issue for me.
janeapple111 · 04/05/2021 17:49

"I feel really sad for you, as obviously, you haven't met any decent men yet sad"

I feel sad for you Aqua55 as you are obviously incredibly naive. The men I am talking about are not men that I was in a relationship with.

I am in my late thirties, and I have obviously met a lot of men by now, who I have been to college with, worked with , or were my friend's boyfriends, or who just live near me,

I know and have heard about many, many men who went to strip clubs/ or prostitutes behind their wife/girlfriends back. If it was a group of men on a stag do/lads weekend, usually one man spills the beans of what actually went on, to some one, -(about who went to a strip club, prostitute etc), and then many people know.

Chailatteplease · 04/05/2021 17:49

“Other people are welcome to different boundaries, but these are mine and DH's. Many women will say 'all mean cheat/lie' etc, but what they actually mean is 'all men they've known'. They don't know mine.“

I share your view entirely. Although you’ll be labelled naive on here 🙄

An0n0n0n · 04/05/2021 17:50

**Apparently he won't be buying a dance but Would he tell me if he did?

Coudse he wouldn't, why would he set himself up for the earache! Obviously he will lie because its easier for him.

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