Strip club

[amioverreactng]

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

I wouldn’t accept this and DH knows it, he’d never go to one anyway. He told me he went to one in his late teens and it made him feel awkward and a bit ill so he never bothered again. They’re just a bit seedy and sleazy aren’t they. Also think it’s totally different seeing a fully dressed woman in the street and finding her attractive to ogling over naked women for hours...

Oh and I wouldn’t go to a hen party with a stripper either, not my scene. Ditto Willy hats and straws, gross.

@Gabriellastella

I agree it is hard to believe in 2021 we still think it is okay to treat mainly women in this way, such degrading and hideous way. It should be made illegal, yes it might go underground, but the police are there to close it down, and huge fines and imprisonment would be a big deterrent.

We need to address the way we treat women in this country, both in strip clubs, on line porn and all the rest. They are real people, with real feelings being treated so badly. It actually makes me so angry.

Yes it is totally disgusting. And with all the violence against women lately, you would think that the Government would start looking at all the things that need to change very badly, and could be changed quite easily if they decided to: The no. 1 thing that needs to change imo is porn.

1. Violent porn is everywhere, where a lot of those people are trafficked or pressured things they don't want to do.
2. Strip clubs everywhere with the vast majority being just women dancing for men, also need to be shut down. How is that any way safe for those women. And it encourages men to disrespect women

Deal breaker.

I would have no respect for him and he wouldn't be the person I married. Even if he personally wasn't against them himself (he is), then I would expect him to care enough about me and our marriage to put my feelings above a stag do at a strip club.

I would also have no respect for a man who can't tell his friends that it isn't for him. Weak men= turn off.

@Alarae

Honestly for me I couldn't really care as I trust my DH implicitly (and if he did do something, I wouldn't falter on kicking him out).

He did actually go to a sex show in Amsterdam on his stag do, as it was an overall curiosity thing for the group. As a PP said they found it very unsexy and were a bit grossed out by it.

When he came back and told me what they did I just laughed in his face and called him a dirty old man.

I've been to a friends hen do which was the generic dream boys thing. Never felt so uncomfortable in my life and still don't understand why some people like to go. Still, I went, no touching (would have screamed bloody murder if one of them tried) and my DH had the same trust with me that nothing would happen.

I appreciate that isn't a standard thought process though and someone else may have more morals than me (I.e. exploitative sector etc).

It has nothing to do with trust.

I wouldn't worry that my husband is going to go have sex with a stripper or anything. That would not be my concern in the slightest.

I wouldn’t be with a bloke like that. My husband who’s a mans man said he’s never quite understood the thrill of going into one. Just a complete cock tease, and would leave you feeling horny, unsatisfied and skint. Doesn’t really see the point if you’re happy with your sex life.

jane nothing is being done! Nothing at all. Everyone agrees everywhere that we need to change, that things can not stay as they are. But what the fuck is anyone actually doing about it?

I am pressing my MP on it, because the way women are treated in this country starts and finishes with violent porn, a dangerous way of seeing women as commodities that can be used and abused, strip clubs that have the most vile men in them, the trafficking, the drugs and the danger the women are in every single day. It makes my flesh crawl. I can completely understand why op is so upset, I would be looking at my dh with new eyes if he even asked me such a question.

Op, it is grim for you to be put in this position at all. He has two choices doesn't he. Best let him crack on with making that decision.

Why didn’t you just go to a pub then?

Majority rules! I’d say the majority of the group would normally be frothing at the mouth to get in there, you don’t see some of them for hours! I don’t even want to know what they get up to but have heard some of the stories!

@amioverreactng

Feisty, I completely agree with everything you've said. To me, looking at half naked people and going somewhere purposely to look at them is cheating and I honestly don't think I have the strength to get over it. I know to some people that sounds absolutely stupid though, and god do I wish I was one of those people

The thing is OP- do you think he wants to go because he actually wants to see the naked women or, because he wants to go to the stag and not look like a ‘looser under the thumb’ by not going? Sadly many men’s idea of hell is being in a group of ‘lads’ and them thinking you are doing or not doing something simply because your wife has told you. It’s not that different in women’s circles- if a female friend told you she wasn’t having more than 1 drink because her husband had told her not to (and would be extremely upset) even though she would like to have a few more, what would the group of female friends think? Have you asked him if he actually wants to go in? If there were a few others who said they didn’t want to go and were staying in the pub whilst others went on to the strip climb, would he be happy to stay with them? It’s May be more about being with the group of lads and fitting in than any actual real desire to leer over women

Majority rules! I’d say the majority of the group would normally be frothing at the mouth to get in there, you don’t see some of them for hours! I don’t even want to know what they get up to but have heard some of the stories!

Grow a fucking spine and stop blaming other people for your unethical choices elai. Weak men using other weak men for a cover. Pathetic.

Choose better friends maybe? There I have a solution for you just there.

It's the controlling aspect that I find difficult to understand.

Some people have a strong objection to strip clubs (personally I don't). If your partner doesn't then you have to decide whether alignment on this issue is essential for your relationship. I can understand posters who've said that they would leave they partner if they found out he'd ever been to a strip club. That makes sense. What's really odd is trying to control what he does. If he isn't uncomfortable with it, and only doesn't go because you've told him not to I have no idea what you've achieved. You're still with a partner who has actually has a view which you find a deal breaker. He is just going along with what you want because he's scared to "disrespect" you. Sounds like control to me.

I always thought I was fairly relaxed about this sort of thing until my DH's stag night when his mates got him a strippergram. I had asked them not to, not because of any prejudice of mine, but because I knew it would embarrass DH. Anyway they ignored it needless to say, and I was furious when he got home and there was lipstick all over his collar and he told me what had happened.

The strength of my feeling actually shocked me and I tore into DH. It's not too much to say that the wedding looked very precarious at one point. Whether it was me feeling insecure, or the fact that it had been in a City bar where we both went regularly and everyone knew us I don't know. As expected DH was very embarrassed by it all. When I'd calmed down he told me that up until that point he'd been enjoying himself, but that really put a dampner on the evening and he'd left as soon as he could. He was also extremely angry to find out that someone had put photos up in the bar 'for a laugh' when he next went in there, particularly as he knew it would embarrass me.

Interestingly I met one of the other stag's girlfriends who had heard how furious I'd been, and she told me I'd had a sense of humour bypass and it was only a bit of fun. She did admit, when challenged, that she wouldn't be entirely comfortable if the tables had been turned and it was her DH on the receiving end.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies it's really helped. I wish I was like some of you who are okay with it but I'm just not.
Yes, he does have two choices. I've told him he's making me out to be controlling but I'm not saying he can't go to the stag do, but I think he may be coming to his senses and has said he'd rather not go and not be put in that position knowing what it it'll do to me.

So I suppose time will tell, we'll see if he does actually stay away from the stag do. There's no way I could trust him to not go in a strip club if he does go on the stag do. He's probably going to sulk a bit longer at the thought of missing out but I'd like to think he'll soon get over it knowing how much he'd hurt his wife's feelings.

Back to the OP. If he's restricting things you want to do and places you want to go, then there is a real imbalance in your relationship. You're changing your behaviour to take his feelings into account, while he carries on regardless.

I wouldn’t be friends with anyone that hired a male stripper and in the bizarre event they did I would leave. One would hope that by say 25 most adults just don’t mindlessly go along with what their friends do 🙄. That’s what teenagers do not adults.

@Elai1978

Why didn’t you just go to a pub then?

Majority rules! I’d say the majority of the group would normally be frothing at the mouth to get in there, you don’t see some of them for hours! I don’t even want to know what they get up to but have heard some of the stories!

But not you, oh no, you’re much better than that. Just not good enough to say you’re not going, unfortunately.

I don’t agree with strip clubs and I don’t agree with this type of stag do either.

I worked on the welcome desk of a strip club, it was my second job for a while to help pay my mortgage/bills. I found it a very exploitative experience for most people. A lot of the girls seemed to be working there out of desperation, more than a few were single mums, one or two I suspected had pimps from what I saw and a couple were level headed students paying their way through uni. The girls had a very low opinion of the men and their overall aim was to fleece them for as much money as possible.

As for stag parties like this, isn’t it about time this kind of thing died a death? It seems so outdated now.

Missing out on what? Degrading women?

I am sure he will live op. I would not walk on eggshells around his sulking, call him out, ask him why it is okay for men to do this to women? If you have dc would he be okay for someone to treat his child, mother, sister like that? Every woman working in strip clubs is someone's child, many are indeed mothers. It is a sickening practice, that should have been made history years ago.

Seriously do not feel bad for putting your foot down, he knows how you feel, and he should never have asked in the first place. As couples most have agreements in place at the start of relationships, this is no surprise to him.

I'd be more worried about the vulnerability of the stag group. Yes it's seedy and I don't love the idea, but it is what it is.
My brother in law was at a stag In krakow, about 20 of them they were absolutely plastered and went to a strip club
They were threatened with knives by the doormen and had to pay £300 each otherwise they wouldn't be let out. They paid the money and went. Very scary position to be in and they were taken advantage of in their drunken state

This issue caused the biggest row DH and I ever had (been together 15 years and this was in first year together). He went twice on stag dos and told me about it because he's honest. He had no idea I'd be so upset. He assumed it was a jealousy thing. I explained that it's probably about a third jealousy, a third goes against my perception of faithfulness in a relationship, and a third is just downright inexcusable on an intellectual basis: how can intelligent men excuse their use of this kind of service? Where do their brains go? Surely they understand how these things work: the women may well be exploited, may be working to pay for their kid's food, may be hating every minute of it... and even if not, why do they think it's OK to pay another human being to take their clothes off for their pleasure?? I just don't get it. I'm with you OP.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to me, but I would be surprised. DH hates the places. He has been before when younger and found them sad. On his own stag do they announced they were going and he let the rest of them go without him while him a couple of others went to play pool.

yes another point is that they are also dangerous places for the men that go there. You would have to be fairly stupid to go there.

Cardi B, the singer, used to work as a stripper, and she said that she would drug the men, and steal their wallets.

Other strip clubs, charge the men 300 euro for one drink, or make the men pay 500 euro to leave.

Ahh how romantic. A man about to stand up in front of his friends and family and make a lifelong commitment to a woman he adores and pledges to care for and respect. What better way to mark the occasion than going and watching a possibly vulnerable group of women shake their tits in his face. Aaaaah. Makes me all warm and fuzzy.

OP I feel the same. I've had arguments in the past with previous partners about them going etc and it's never ended well.

I don't ask anymore, and I don't want to be told.

Nights out are few and far between for DP now and I don't think he would but he probably would on a stag do.

If he had a private dance I'd leave him, and he knows it.

Sometimes I wish there was a country where only women could live.

Anyone want to make one with me?