Strip club

[amioverreactng]

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

So I actually used to be a stripper and I would actually have an issue with it. It's interesting the people saying that they wouldn't have a problem with it during a stag do but would other times. Stag dos were the worst and I used to avoid them when they came into the club. Generally when I worked men were respectful, guys on stag dos never were, they would be downright gross and degrading, trying to push you to do the dirtiest, most extreme stuff they would think they could get away with or get the girls to do. I wouldn't go near them and wouldn't be happy at the thought of DP being in a group of stags treating women like this. And literally all of them were!
Actually generally the rest of the men who came in were really nice and respectful, however they were often lonely or in for a quick turn on so I wouldn't be happy if my DP came under this category either but for different reasons.

My DP has been to a well known “upmarket” one in London when he was in his early twenties (years before we met). He said the dancers would walk around the club in lingerie/tiny dresses and flirt with the customers to get them to pay for private dances. A private dance would cost £25 and last around 3 minutes in a private booth. She would take him by the hand and stand in a queue for the booths until one was free. She would then strip naked and dance (not close enough to actually be on his lap but standing pretty much right in front of him). A bouncer stands outside the booths and tells the customers they can’t touch the women before they go in.
I wouldn’t be ok with him going to one again and I’ve said it would be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds so sleazy and I hate the idea of a man paying to objectify a woman like that.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, same as DH occasionally looking at porn doesn't either.

DH went to one of the classier establishments on his stag do

Oooh isn't he wonderful!!! He went to a classy establishment where women get their tits out, as opposed to a seedy dive, where women get their tits out. Prince among men.

I don't agree with the objectification of women, so no, I wouldn't like dh to go to a strip club. But he wouldn't, because he respects women and doesn't 'other' them.

If this is upsetting you this much, you need to draw a hard line for him. Absolutely no strip clubs if that's really so important to you.
But I would consider the wider implications for your relationship here. You've told him you're uncomfortable and he's trying (it seems) to guilt you in to bring OK with him watching other women half/fully naked. That's what's disrespectful here, him being happy to guilt you into something you're uncomfortable with.
And I say this, if it's important, as someone who doesn't care if my husband goes to strip clubs. We all have different lines / boundaries. If this is yours, stand up for yourself and say so.

I am also wondering why the hell he would ever think you would be okay with it?

Has it made you question your whole relationship?

And why the hell is he sulking! He clearly wants to go, and he wants your permission to go and enjoy it with his immature friends and because you have stated your feelings he is sulking. The fact he even wants to go is a problem in itself, he does not share the idea that it is cheating or that there is anything fundamentally wrong with going.

No wonder you feel sick, you are probably wondering how you have married, I know I would be.

How awful for you op, to discover what kind of man he is. You never need to be okay with this. Men paying to use young women's bodies in this way is the most disgusting thing, you don't need to be cool with it.

**Who

You definitely every right to stand your ground then if you have had to not do things and miss out if he doesn't like something

"Exploitation and misogyny is the reason. Men aren’t being sex trafficked to work in male-only strip clubs (they are being sex trafficked but for use for other men). Male strippers have much more control over what they do and what’s allowed, and female strippers are massively more likely to be doing it as a sole source of income and/or as a result of addiction. There’s absolutely loads of differences. They’re not, at all, two ends of the same spectrum."

Thanks for that. After I wrote "what's the difference", I did think to myself, "well female strippers will be more at physical risk then male strippers, that's one difference".

I personally would like to see strip clubs (where it is all female strippers) made illegal, and male strippers at parties also made illegal. And also I would like to see a lot of violent porn made illegal. There is so much that needs to change in the sex industry, but how do we change it?

Honestly for me I couldn't really care as I trust my DH implicitly (and if he did do something, I wouldn't falter on kicking him out).

He did actually go to a sex show in Amsterdam on his stag do, as it was an overall curiosity thing for the group. As a PP said they found it very unsexy and were a bit grossed out by it.

When he came back and told me what they did I just laughed in his face and called him a dirty old man.

I've been to a friends hen do which was the generic dream boys thing. Never felt so uncomfortable in my life and still don't understand why some people like to go. Still, I went, no touching (would have screamed bloody murder if one of them tried) and my DH had the same trust with me that nothing would happen.

I appreciate that isn't a standard thought process though and someone else may have more morals than me (I.e. exploitative sector etc).

@Justmuddlingalong

I know a few who have and many who haven't. I don't understand the argument that anyone who disagrees that most men visit strip clubs is naive.

There's a lot of it about. If a relevant thread ever comes up, try saying that your 11+ year old son doesn't watch porn. Or that your 14 year old isn't having sex the minute you turn your back.

To those who truly believed when on a stag do that their partner goes home/waits outside while their mates all go into a strip club...

Can’t say it’s happened on any stag I’ve ever been to. The rule is that strip club visits are never discussed with anyone who wasn’t there as there are wives for whom it would be a deal breaker. I guarantee I’ve been in a strip club with someone who’s wife believes her DH thinks they’re disgusting and would never set foot in one! Not everyone is having private dances or extras though, some of us just have a beer.

A stag party my DH went on had a strip club and he didn’t go in along with 2 others who also weren’t interested.

The men were allowed to touch arses and breasts during private dances and they sounded vile.

His mates thought it was me stopping him before the event but that’s not my style. They tried to shame him into going on but he was perfectly happy just go back to the hotel.

This was U.K. - plenty of clubs will let things go further than they say - it’s part of the money making strategy.

That would be a dealbreaker. I would end the marriage.

I have had this discussion with my SO, he knows if he entered a strip club, we would be over.

He is on a stag with his son soon, and none of the guys are interested in a strip club, they are go carting instead.

I agree it is hard to believe in 2021 we still think it is okay to treat mainly women in this way, such degrading and hideous way. It should be made illegal, yes it might go underground, but the police are there to close it down, and huge fines and imprisonment would be a big deterrent.

We need to address the way we treat women in this country, both in strip clubs, on line porn and all the rest. They are real people, with real feelings being treated so badly. It actually makes me so angry.

@janeapple111

Men are way, way too weak to stand up to their friends.

It could be something that they really do not agree with personally, but if their friends are doing it , they will do it.

The fear of not being seen as a man is big. Also it is not cool for men to respect women around men who are not respecting women.

Say you are a man, you are in a group of 15 men going to a strip club. Would you have the mental strength to stand up to those 14 men, and not go?

The Real question here would be ”would you want to be with a weak man like this?”

@Elai1978

To those who truly believed when on a stag do that their partner goes home/waits outside while their mates all go into a strip club...

Can’t say it’s happened on any stag I’ve ever been to. The rule is that strip club visits are never discussed with anyone who wasn’t there as there are wives for whom it would be a deal breaker. I guarantee I’ve been in a strip club with someone who’s wife believes her DH thinks they’re disgusting and would never set foot in one! Not everyone is having private dances or extras though, some of us just have a beer.

Why didn’t you just go to a pub then?

“Well, I won’t go at all then”

Yep, you got it mate.

My DH ended up in a strip club on his stag. Didn't know about it advance, they bought him a dance, he didn't have a choice blah blah. I was not impressed, we fell out over it. Such bullshit, and hugely disrespectful to me to make up weak excuses about it.

Anyway, we got past it and he has been on stag dos since that have visited strip clubs. I've said I don't mind him going to the clubs, but if he pays for a private dance that's us done. You are completely within your rights to not feel comfortable about it and to express that to him.

@Chitaufree

I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers

I’ve heard the same.

As long as my DH wasn’t getting private dances, it wouldn’t bother me

I also have heard this and agree with this.

I've also been in strip clubs (abroad on hens) and they are pretty grotty. It's probably just one of those stag/hen checklist things that nobody is that bothered about.

I used to feel the same as you OP and fell out with a high school BF over it. But don't really care now as my DP isn't bothered, he's been snd would go on a stag but I highly doubt he'd pay for anything.

We also got the bride a stripper on her hen do which we all watched and he danced on a few of us as part of it. It's just a laugh nobody's going to go and sleep with him out the back of the club :)

Right I know male and female strippers have one big difference, in that women are more at risk of physical harm, but, and this is a genuine question:

I see loads of hen parties hiring male strippers, and butlers in the buff (where you hire young men who are mostly naked, except for a small apron covering their penis, their full bum is exposed).

In doing that, those women are

1. Paying (usually younger) men to take their clothes off, and everyone thinks its a great laugh.

None of the women ever stop and think, is the young man doing this because he really needs money right now, that he doesn't really want to do this.

If you don't want your partner to go to a stip club, would you stand up to a female friend using a stripper at a hen party?

@janeapple111

Right I know male and female strippers have one big difference, in that women are more at risk of physical harm, but, and this is a genuine question:

I see loads of hen parties hiring male strippers, and butlers in the buff (where you hire young men who are mostly naked, except for a small apron covering their penis, their full bum is exposed).

In doing that, those women are

1. Paying (usually younger) men to take their clothes off, and everyone thinks its a great laugh.

None of the women ever stop and think, is the young man doing this because he really needs money right now, that he doesn't really want to do this.

If you don't want your partner to go to a stip club, would you stand up to a female friend using a stripper at a hen party?

Well, you said you’d been to a hen where the young man was being groped, did you do anything?

@janeapple111

Right I know male and female strippers have one big difference, in that women are more at risk of physical harm, but, and this is a genuine question:

I see loads of hen parties hiring male strippers, and butlers in the buff (where you hire young men who are mostly naked, except for a small apron covering their penis, their full bum is exposed).

In doing that, those women are

1. Paying (usually younger) men to take their clothes off, and everyone thinks its a great laugh.

None of the women ever stop and think, is the young man doing this because he really needs money right now, that he doesn't really want to do this.

If you don't want your partner to go to a stip club, would you stand up to a female friend using a stripper at a hen party?

Also, it’s not just the physical harm that’s the difference.

If you don't want your partner to go to a stip club, would you stand up to a female friend using a stripper at a hen party?

Yes and I have done so.