Strip club

[amioverreactng]

If your husband/partner told you they were going to go to the strip club during a stag do that's planned for the next couple of months, how would you feel?

He has said he won't be buying a dance but to me still ogling over half naked women isn't nice.

He said he can't just sit outside while 15 of his friends are inside enjoying themselves.

Also, if you've been to a strip club/know what they're like please give some insight. I've told him how it will make me feel and he's done the whole "oh so I can't go to the stag do at all now" and is trying to make me feel guilty. I have no problem with the stag do, but I do with the strip club. He's also told me that he's been to strip clubs before, which is news to me, but never since we've been together so he must enjoy them to want to keep going back?

Please give me some advice. My confidence is an all time low anyway, not through any of his other actions, just within myself so the thought of how much better looking these women are makes me want to be sick.

It would be a total deal-breaker for me. If my DH went to one we would be over.

OP it's not your "issues" it's absolutely ok not to want your partner a) supporting a sexist and exploitative industry and b) cheating on you by ogling other women

If he doesn't respect you enough to take your feelings into account then you have a problem

@janeapple111

Men are way, way too weak to stand up to their friends.

It could be something that they really do not agree with personally, but if their friends are doing it , they will do it.

The fear of not being seen as a man is big. Also it is not cool for men to respect women around men who are not respecting women.

Say you are a man, you are in a group of 15 men going to a strip club. Would you have the mental strength to stand up to those 14 men, and not go?

I really don’t think it’s even that articulated. It’s probably very much exactly the same reason that I often end up doing several lines of coke off somebody’s coffee table at 3am on a Friday when I only intended to go out for a few quiet drinks: FOMO, and much more fun than going home.

The strip club bit tends to happen late at night when the ordinary bars start kicking out, so the FOMObit probably applies a lot of the time. Who on a night out really wants to leave and go back to the hotel room on their own whilst their mates keep the fun coming?

@Justmuddlingalong

But if strip clubs exist, and they do everywhere, men are going to go into them. Some men. I don't think we can assume just because it's legal that all men are going to visit them.

Do you know any man that hasn't been to a strip club? I think most of the men that I knew, or know now, have been to strip clubs.

@janeapple111

"I feel really sad for you, as obviously, you haven't met any decent men yet sad"

I feel sad for you Aqua55 as you are obviously incredibly naive. The men I am talking about are not men that I was in a relationship with.

I am in my late thirties, and I have obviously met a lot of men by now, who I have been to college with, worked with , or were my friend's boyfriends, or who just live near me,

I know and have heard about many, many men who went to strip clubs/ or prostitutes behind their wife/girlfriends back. If it was a group of men on a stag do/lads weekend, usually one man spills the beans of what actually went on, to some one, -(about who went to a strip club, prostitute etc), and then many people know.

I'm confused. First you say all men, but then you say not the ones that you've been in a relationship with?

Which is it?

Dh wouldn’t go in one. I don’t tell him what to do but he finds the whole thing gross and exploitative. Funnily enough the only stag that went was a stag I made him go on as it was my friends dh. He hated it and kept texting me 🙄 all evening 😁. He drew the line at a grim strip club him and a few others went somewhere else for a drink. He is the opposite of a sheep though he would never go along with something to be part of a group. Lots of his friends are women thinking about it.

"I really don’t think it’s even that articulated. It’s probably very much exactly the same reason that I often end up doing several lines of coke off somebody’s coffee table at 3am on a Friday when I only intended to go out for a few quiet drinks: FOMO, and much more fun than going home.

The strip club bit tends to happen late at night when the ordinary bars start kicking out, so the FOMObit probably applies a lot of the time. Who on a night out really wants to leave and go back to the hotel room on their own whilst their mates keep the fun coming?"

Yes and lets also say , women often hire male strippers for hen parties and birthdays, and that is all seen as normal

@AnUnoriginalUsername

DH and I go to strip clubs together. He also went to one on his stag do. It depends on the men and the club. Some are seedy gross places where you can pay extra for extra. Some men treat the women like objects and see what they can get away with. We've had women far sexier than me dance for us. But I've no doubt that my husband isn't with me for my body. I don't worry at all that he'll think this woman's nipples are prettier than mine and cheat on me or leave me. We like watching them dance and seeing boobs and we have a private dance together, it's fun. We talk to the girls and some probably do do it because it she only way they can make money, but I think that's the case with most jobs that don't require qualifications, but lots enjoy it and have careers outside of the club. We were both surprised when we went to one on holiday and the girls grabbed our hands and put them on their bodies. The rules in the ones we go to in England have always been that you keep you keep your hands palm down on the seat. And the bouncers are good at protecting the women.

This is grim. You’re paying into an industry that exploits women, you are contributing to a chain that leads to women and very, very young girls being trafficked, and you don’t even care.

some probably do do it because it she only way they can make money, but I think that's the case with most jobs that don't require qualifications

And you not only do you not give a shit if they’re doing it through no other choice, you’re also sneering at their education. Gross.

This would be marriage over for me

Don’t try and force yourself to be ok with it. It’s not ok.

There’s nothing particularly titillating in the main area of all the strip clubs I’ve been to. Private dances are where you get the full nudity/touching. They’re not my thing, wouldn’t go out of choice but you can just sit having a drink which is what I do.

OP, you need to be very clear with what your boundaries are and not try and make it about “well other people’s girlfriends probably also won’t like it” or allow him to respond that everyone else’s girlfriend is fine with it so you should be, too. You are allowed to be unhappy with something that other women might find acceptable. Stand up for yourself. I have an open relationship. It’s what works for me and my partner (it’s what has always worked for me, I’m not suited to monogamy) and we are very happy. That doesn’t mean I get to tell other women, who prefer monogamy, that they’re insecure or paranoid, or that their OH will find other women sexy or beautiful regardless so there’s no point trying to have a monogamous relationship. We all have different boundaries and comfort levels, regardless of where they arise from, and if you really can’t stand the idea of your OH looking at another woman in a strip club then no amount of other people telling you you should be fine with it because it’s just a laugh for most men affects how you feel any more than me telling you you should be fine with your OH getting sex elsewhere because it wouldn’t bother me.

My marriage would be over if my DH did this, it just feels really sleazy.

Aqua55 "I'm confused. First you say all men, but then you say not the ones that you've been in a relationship with?

Which is it?"

Post fail. I didn't write "all men" actually.

Pumperthe pumper what about women who hire male strippers for hen parties and birthdays. That is often seen as "very normal" by women.

@janeapple111

Pumperthe pumper what about women who hire male strippers for hen parties and birthdays. That is often seen as "very normal" by women.

Is this a genuine question or do you need me to you the difference between male and female strippers? I’m only asking so I don’t waste my time, if you think they’re the same thing, I’m happy to do it.

They're for young lads who have only just started going out and pervy old men. The girls all all about 18. Pathetic.

I mean this nicely, not having a dig, if all your friends were doing something you'd happily done before for a hen party but dh said no you're not allowed to would you go off outside by yourself while they went in or go somewhere else? And would your friends all say that's fine or would they tell you to do you and label him controlling?

"Is this a genuine question or do you need me to you the difference between male and female strippers? I’m only asking so I don’t waste my time, if you think they’re the same thing, I’m happy to do it."

It is not a question, it was me pointing out the fact that women also use male strippers a lot.

But now that you have said that you think there is a difference, I am interested to hear what you think it is?

I have been to one strip club where there were female strippers. The women there were paid to take their tops off. Their underwear was still on. Men could pay these women to come over and give them a dance.

I have been to one hen party, where there were male butlers. The male butlers were paid to take their clothes off, their underwear was not fully on. They were wearing aprons at the front, you could see all of these young men's bums. The women were touching the men's bums, and I saw a couple of the women grab the men's crotches at the front.

What is the difference?

I know a few who have and many who haven't. I don't understand the argument that anyone who disagrees that most men visit strip clubs is naive.

@HappyMeal654

I mean this nicely, not having a dig, if all your friends were doing something you'd happily done before for a hen party but dh said no you're not allowed to would you go off outside by yourself while they went in or go somewhere else? And would your friends all say that's fine or would they tell you to do you and label him controlling?

It’s the ‘something’ that’s quite important though isn’t it? I can’t think of a good example of something legal, yet exploitative, that masses of women have forced themselves to believe is a traditional entertainment activity.

Happy - I genuinely wouldn't do it. There's been examples before such as tattoo ideas, piercings etc that I've asked for his opinion, he's said no I wouldn't like it so I haven't done it. I thought that's just the type of relationship we had. I like to ask his opinions. I would never ever cross the line of one of his boundaries and I thought he wouldn't do the same.
It just seems like at this point it's always me who's compromising, oh DP wouldn't like that so I won't do it. I say to him, not the first time either, that I wouldn't like him being in a strip club and I'm made out to be controlling and "well I won't go at all them" I feel like it's very unfair and tbh it's spoilt my whole day, I feel sick

It would be a deal breaker for me but my oh wouldn't be seen dead in one.

I know several men who've ended up getting extras, one ended up having unprotected sex at one while his wife was at home 8 months pregnant and the resulting std blew not only their marriage but 2 others in the group apart.

Stand your ground OP.

To those who truly believed when on a stag do that their partner goes home/waits outside while their mates all go into a strip club... 🤦🏼‍♀️ 😂

Or even examples of jobs, a really nice bar was hiring near us and I said I would have liked to give bar work a go for a while, just because it's something completely different to what I do now and it was very similar pay and hours. He completely looked down on it and then later admitted that he wouldn't like it because of the attention from men? It's just not fair

@janeapple111

"Is this a genuine question or do you need me to you the difference between male and female strippers? I’m only asking so I don’t waste my time, if you think they’re the same thing, I’m happy to do it."

It is not a question, it was me pointing out the fact that women also use male strippers a lot.

But now that you have said that you think there is a difference, I am interested to hear what you think it is?

I have been to one strip club where there were female strippers. The women there were paid to take their tops off. Their underwear was still on. Men could pay these women to come over and give them a dance.

I have been to one hen party, where there were male butlers. The male butlers were paid to take their clothes off, their underwear was not fully on. They were wearing aprons at the front, you could see all of these young men's bums. The women were touching the men's bums, and I saw a couple of the women grab the men's crotches at the front.

What is the difference?

Exploitation and misogyny is the reason. Men aren’t being sex trafficked to work in male-only strip clubs (they are being sex trafficked but for use for other men). Male strippers have much more control over what they do and what’s allowed, and female strippers are massively more likely to be doing it as a sole source of income and/or as a result of addiction. There’s absolutely loads of differences. They’re not, at all, two ends of the same spectrum.

I would not be okay with that at all, the ethics and the way the women are exploited. I could not be with a man who thought that was okay.

I consider it cheating, and I would say so.

Yes he is welcome to go to the stag weekend, but we won't be together afterwards. It is then up to him, he can pull out and remain with you or he can go along and that is the end. I don't think you can put conditions on the weekend itself.

Is the bride cool with this plan? And the other spouses.

You do not have to be with a man that thinks so little of women, he is happy to sit there and ogle at women all night (at the very least) I have lots of self confidence, it is not about that. It is seedy and degrading and I could not feel the same way about him afterwards. So I would probably ask him choose who he wants to be.