To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

@Oilpyii

Lol at the last post. Walking to the activity, not rain walking for fun 😂

Ah, OK. There are people who go walking in all weathers so I wasn't sure.

YANBU - you're in charge, so you get the final say. She's not the one who'll end up dealing with a child who is soaking wet, windswept, cold and grumpy.

I was out this morning and even with waterproofs and wellies it was really grim out there. If I'd not been properly dressed I'd have been even more cold and miserable!

i took someone else's child trick or treating and the mother made such a fuss that she was cold when she got home!
what did she expect

DH wouldn't take a scout never mind a younger kid out in weather like this without appropriate coat as its a hypothermia risk.

Its not you being over the top. Its for her own well being.

Not unreasonable at all. When you’re responsible for the child you get to set the safety standards.

We had a rule at brownies that they had to wear sneakers or school shoes, something suitable for running around. The number of kids who’d turn up in flip flops was ridiculous. It’d be our problem if they got hurt so if they wore unsuitable footwear, they had to sit out any running around activities and we couldn’t go outside. While the kids (age 6-10) had some responsibility - they knew the rules - it pissed me off that their parents didn’t check and insist they were properly equipped as it made us volunteer leaders be the bad guy in order to protect their children.

If you give responsibility for your kid to someone they are allowed to make rules for the kid’s safety/well-being. I’m sure it wouldn’t have gone down well if you returned a miserable frozen and wet child! Especially if you were cozy after being properly attired.

None of my 3 dc want to wear a coat (or socks) and their idea of appropriate footwear is very different to mine.

They get told to accept it's my choice and I want them to be warm and dry.

Why does this silly bloody woman want her child to go out on a cold wet day with no coat and canvas shoes. Does she hate her?!

YANBU

I would say to her you are not prepared to have separate rules for her child compared to your own

Your kids have to dress appropriately - they know it and they do it. It's not fair to them for you to take another child that refuses to play by the rules and let them off

I think you were more than fair offering to wait!

The weather today isn't just a bit of drizzle. Its full on perfect conditions for it to be a problem.

It reads to me that you offered to take her to the activity as a favour because her mum couldn't make it. In that case, I wouldn't have kicked off about the coat because I agree with the mum that is a parenting decision. And your favour - which presumably was meant to help the mum - has just turned into another problem for the mum. But I am adept at zoning out moaning children especially if their own bad decision-making has led to them being wet/cold/hungry. I'm not averse at all to them living with their consequences.

Yanbu at all. You gave plenty of chances.

Yanbu. She was going to ruin the experience for the other kids as she has done before.

Well yanbu but if it were me I'd ignore the text for a quiet life. Alternatively you could say "so you expect me to put up with her moaning?" Next time say no in the first place.

I had a friend who got me looking after her dd who is a pain. I added her to a group trip to the park as a favour to the mum. Told her to send her in warm waterproof clothes. She arrived in wellies but wearing tights a short skirt and a thin non waterproof coat. Predictably she whinged and wanted to go as soon as we got there. We have her short shrift and fortunately she's never wanted to come with us since! But it was annoying.

Perfect example of natural consequences, for both mother and child 😆

It’s the not wearing appropriate clothing and the incessant moaning and dawdling.

See how the child’s mum turns it round on you rather than addressing the issues.

No good deed goes unpunished!

You were absolutely right. You were under no obligation to deal with a cold, wet, miserable child.

I have a relative a bit like that. Some years ago, I offered a lift to mother and child, leaving at say, 11 a.m.
About 10 minutes before I was to leave, I texted the mother, to ask if they were ready for off at 11.
'Oh Jane doesn't want to get dressed'. Jane was about 5 or so, at the time.

I texted back that I would be leaving at 11, as planned.
They were ready, and all were dressed.

I think you did the right thing, OP.

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child.

I'd text back saying that is true, but she wouldn't be there to deal with the inevitable behaviour caused by being inappropriately dressed, and you weren't prepared for her to ruin the activity for others

YANBU, and I probably wouldn’t take her out again if that’s the response you get from her clearly neglectful mother.

The thing is when you take a 7 year old somewhere it inevitably reflects very poorly on you if the child is cold, miserable and wet. YANBU there is no way I’d take a child out in poor conditions without the proper equipment. I’m a childminder and this is the sort of thing that would risk my credibility and image.

The child is learning well from her mother isn't she

I'd be so tempted to reply "Parent your child however you wish on your time. When children are in my sole care, they abide by my rules or they don't come. It's not unreasonable to expect a child to come suitably dressed. but it is unreasonable to expect the rest of the party to tolerate her whinging and heel dragging because once again she is cold and wet because you wouldn't enforce the rules that I communicated in advance. "

My children are a bit like this, but we always take something wind and water proof - usually a light jacket - in a backpack for the inevitable “I’m cold” moment. In winter I always pack extra gloves and hats - don’t weigh anything. Wellies or walking boots if out and about in the British weather - if insisting on canvas/trainers, then no go.

Her mother is unreasonable not providing the appropriate things, even if she won’t wear them straight away.
I do feel sorry for the girl though :( There are ways to encourage/bribe. She can’t be enjoying herself much.

saying it’s for her to parent her child

Well, quite. She can take the child there herself.

I was expecting to read something marginally unreasonable, but no. I grew up in the countryside and there was nothing worse than a whiny friend who thought they knew better than needing coats and wellies. Hell, even a trip to town could end up in a soaking due living very close to the mountains, so you just learned not to bloody moan if you ended up getting caught out . A moaning child ruins it for everyone, and it wasn't like the mum has to be there to listen to it. You did the right thing, op.

If the mother is that dim then you should send a very clear text what the child is to wear on each day trip.

I’d have done the same. It’s all very well for her to say it’s up to her to parent her child, but you were going to be in loco parentis, so what you were prepared to tolerate was entirely up to you.

Some kids are so often a PITA to take out. A friend of a dd would endlessly moan that she was tired/hungry/too hot/too cold/you name it - while all the others were fine.

IMO it was just attention seeking, wanting the fuss her DM would have given her (only child, over indulged and allowed to get away with spoilt-brat behaviour.).