To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

[Allgirlskidsanddogs]

No. You’re accompanying your own child(ren) and the other parent wants their child to go with you then sends them ill prepared? A child with a history of drama.

No
No
No

The parent can take themselves and suffer the drama.

[Sn0tnose]

I wouldn't have kicked off about the coat because I agree with the mum that is a parenting decision If the mum was taking her own kid to the activity and it was only her who would be held up and inconvenienced by said kid moaning because they were cold and wet, then fair enough. But she doesn’t get to then bugger off and let other people deal with the consequences of her particular brand of parenting, then complain because they’re not willing to put up with a cold, wet, miserable and complaining kid who is spoiling things for everyone else, as the OP has confirmed this child has a history of doing.

[Babyiskickingmyribs]

Every Duke of Ed or uni hiking club trip I went on had a very clear policy. You turn up in jeans, you get left in the carpark. Unsuitable clothing = no trip. Uanbu

[themalamander]

I'm so impressed that you followed through!!!! I have found my people!!

I've done the same on a couple of occasions with one particular child. Every other mum at the school means about this kid but never ever says anything; they just take him and put up with the horrible behaviour. I dont. I moved to this small town so I've not known all these people since school, like a lot of the mums, so I dont give a crap! I just take him home if he goes way beyond the usual silly kids behaviour.

I'm so glad to hear someone else doing it too.

[AnxiousWeirdo]

I legitimately don't understand why she didn't just give you a coat for the kid, even if she wasn't wearing it then and there. It's freezing out today, I went round a reservoir with a thick coat on and gloves and I was soaked! You know the walk would be unsuitable so it's entirely up to you if you take her, especially considering she seems to be a bit of a nightmare.

[MyDcAreMarvel]

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

[Summerfun54321]

She’s doing zero parenting if she’s failing to teach her child how to pack a bag for a day out.

[2bazookas]

Good for you for holding out.

[ThatIsMyPotato]

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

They are if OP is the one looking after them. Child should have turned up with a coat in a bag even if they didnt want to wear it.

[Oilpyii]

Small points

• I didn’t kick off, was calm and factual. No confrontation
  
• I didn’t offer, I was asked. I wouldn’t have offered
  

-I’m also not adverse to consequences, but not me or my three children being impacted by behaviour. It’s not fair on them to be held up and have a negative atmosphere

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

But OP has said the girl is always like this so I don't understand why OP expected this time to be different. If I felt so strongly about this child, I wouldn't have offered in the first place.

[Oilpyii]

@MyDcAreMarvel I have no urge to query how you dress your children when you take them out. However I’m not taking them out am I? Irrelevant.

[themalamander]

@MyDcAreMarvel

They are her business when she is going to be solely responsible for the child during the very wet, by the sea front, activity they are doing. OP has paid to take her own kids, and they will want to enjoy it. She's then been asked to take another child, and this child has a history of running activities like this because she gets cold and wet and then stomps her foot and moans the whole time. The OP was doing a favour for someone. That favour was about to result in her own kids having their activity ruined because a stubborn, Spoilt child wont put a coat on and her mum is so wet that she cant tell her daughter the word no.

[AnxiousWeirdo]

It is her business when she's looking after the child though? Especially when the child has form for sulking and demanding another child's clothing. Also this isn't about a child having autism or sensory difficulties. That's a different scenario and most likely would have received a different response from the op..

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

I wouldn't have agreed in the first place.

[AnxiousWeirdo]

Sorry that was aimed at @MyDcAreMarvel🙄

[MsTSwift]

As someone has already said - no good deed unpunished!

[Summerfun54321]

@MyDcAreMarvel OP is taking the child out for the day without her mother so she’s responsible for the child. It’s definitely her business.

[minniemomo]

I would have done the same. If the child was 15 that's different, teens can be stupid

[MyDcAreMarvel]

@Summerfun54321 responsible for her safety not her body temperature.

[melj1213]

Yanbu - there's a difference between being inappropriately prepared in a way that only impacts that child and inappropriately prepared in a way that affects everyone.

If you choose not to bring a coat then being cold and wet is your consequence, but if that consequence means that everyone has to miss out/leave early then it is no longer an individual decision not to bring one, you either bring one or don't come. This especially applies when it's not just an "optional" item (eg you can wear wellies or trainers for the nature walk but if you wear trainers you cannot join in when the other kids go wading into the river in their wellies) but one of safety - where I am today, there is a bitterly cold wind and constant rain with periods of torrential downpours, taking a child out for an extended period of time without waterproof clothing would be dangerous as they could easily develop hypothermia under these conditions.

My DD went through a stage of refusing to wear a coat - she was them given two options 1) take a coat that we could either leave in the car/in a bag so that she had the option to wear it if she changed her mind 2) don't take a coat but at the first complaint of being cold/whining etc we went straight home. It only took a couple of times when she chose option 2 and ended up coming home early (our record was when going to a crazy golf course we hadn't even made it the 20m from the car to the entrance before she complained it was cold and windy so we turned round and went straight home) that she started to choose option 1.

As to the mother's text I would have responded that she can parent her child as she likes, but when you are in charge then her child is your responsibility, and as a responsible parent you refuse to take any child to an activity involving a wet, cold walk without them having access to warm, waterproof clothing.

[Havehope21]

YANBU - funny that I had a friend like this when I was younger. My nanny did EXACTLY what you did in a very similar situation. Parent moaned to my Mum about my nanny's 'attitude' - my Mum 100% agreed that the child was a spoilt brat and should learn to do as she was told. Don't feel guilty, you did the right thing.

[Oilpyii]

@MyDcAreMarvel it’s like me telling you ‘well my niece is in a wheelchair and can’t wear normal coats, so she’d have not been able to go’. It’s a totally different set of circumstances isn’t it? You bring in an SEN, and a scenario where you are present and presuming not in the same place or weather. How’s that influence me taking another child, without her parent, without Sen and a totally different reaction to extreme weather in a different place?

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

YANBU at all, I’d honestly refuse to look after her in future- she sounds like a nightmare and her Mum needs to do some parenting! A 7 year old child does not get to decide whether they wear a coat and wellies or not, if it’s raining they get their waterproofs on and deal with it.

[murbblurb]

Well done, op. The child might have got very cold and you would have had to end the activity for everyone else.

You say 'headstrong', mum says 'free spirit' , everyone else says 'spoilt bastard'.