To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

[terrimom]

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

So "parenting" her child would presumably include getting said child to and from the event, correct? (Lots of mums have multiple children and make it work. Life lesson for mum I would think.) I would decline any further invitations to act as an unpaid chauffer for this particular child. No one has time for this kind and quantity of drama in their life if they have 5 children of their own. Give yourself a break!

[AHobbyaweek]

Maybe "I don't think the arrangement has worked out previously so no thank you"

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

If you wanted to be snippy (as snippy as she has been) you could say "Thanks for the cubs offer, but there's no need. I only sign my DC up for things if I know that I can get them to the activity myself."

[Berthatydfil]

OP I feel your pain, I had 3 dc in 4 and a half years so logistics affected the activities they were able to do, particularly the oldest.
I can also understand you feeling like putting it on the forum has given the issue a life of its own and had you not posted, your annoyance would have waned to a niggle by now.
However that is what the other parent is relying on.

So it’s up to you now.
You know the family and if you are certain the Cubs offer is deliberately done just to make you taking their child worthwhile but is almost certain not to happen then you make your decision accordingly.

Assuming it’s a dry day - how certain are you the child will walk at a reasonable speed with no complaints or wingeing? Is she better in the warmer weather?

Ultimately how willing are you to chance it and lastly how dependant is your child’s friendship on this favour?

If it was me I would first turn down the Cubs offer with no mention of their request so “ thanks for the offer but we are fine this week”

Then decide about the favour separately.

If you do decide to take her then you could tell mum that she is on her last chance and any repeats you won’t do it again.

[Justmuddlingalong]

"Thanks for the offer, CFer, but we'll just stick to our own routine".

[NotSorry]

@Oilpyii

(She’s offering to take one of mine to Cubs in her text I know, but for whatever last minute drama will occur it won’t happen and has never happened).

We had this arrangement with another family. They approached us as the mother didn’t drive. The idea was I’d take them and the other family dad would pick them up. It worked fine for a while until all of a sudden dad hadn’t managed to get home, was held up on train etc. etc. This started to become a regular occurrence. I had 3 other children to look after and if my DH wasn’t home I’d have to stick them all in the car (for the second time that evening) to do the other half of the cub run.

I was becoming more and more resentful. Thankfully my DS moved up to Scouts leaving her child in Cubs.The arrangement never got mentioned again.

My children are all but grown up now, but after the cub situation I wised up to these CFers and didn’t get involved in such arrangements again. I would still lift share with those who reciprocated.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@Oilpyii

(She’s offering to take one of mine to Cubs in her text I know, but for whatever last minute drama will occur it won’t happen and has never happened).

Well this says it all really, doesn't it?

The initial matter of 'no coat' is far behind you.

It seems like this mother is firmly in CF territory if she doesn't actually ever reciprocate.

I think you would be sensible to say what you suggest, that 3 kids on public transport is enough to manage, can't take her child.

If she did actually help with lifts to Cubs or whatever, that's different but doesn't seem like she ever gives back?

[SquashMinusIsShit]

@Lweji

As, I presume, you've taken herself often enough, I'd thank her for the offer of taking one to Cubs, make arrangements for it and ignore the rest.
Let her do you the favour first. Or rather, pay your favours for once.

I like this approach!

[Mooloolabababy]

Some people really are piss takers!! I would never dream of asking someone taking the bus with three children to take mine too! In what world would anyone think it's ok to do that?!

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

Op I always think try and be kind when it comes to dc but your absolutely right to say 3 on busses is more than enough!
I wouldn't feel happy imposing my dc into someone with three already to be honest.

[Puttingouthefirewithgasoline]

Sounds like the child has opposition disorder perhaps which means everything will be a battle for the parents and its something they can try and mitigate perhaps but it won't be easy for anyone.

Also sounds like the child doesn't want to go and is being forced out. Never a win. Maybe the child has never been asked.

[Lweji]

As, I presume, you've taken herself often enough, I'd thank her for the offer of taking one to Cubs, make arrangements for it and ignore the rest.
Let her do you the favour first. Or rather, pay your favours for once.

[harknesswitch]

Not if you're taking public transport, 3 is enough especially if this kid is a whinger.

I like the 'sorry, no can do, 3 kids on public transport is stressful enough'

[MzHz]

Grr. Try again

“Sorry, no can do, I’m afraid. 3 kids on public transport is already hard work enough without adding your painfully moany kid into the mix “

[MzHz]

“Sorry, no can do, I’m afraid. 3 kids on public transport is already hard work enough without adding your painfully moany kid into the mix“

[whenwillthemadnessend]

So refreshing to read about someone that stands up for themselves and their plans . Well done op

Mother needs to get some balls.

[billy1966]

@Oilpyii

Yes *@Theunamedcat* , there has been another text. She can’t have been as mortally wounded as many posters seem to think as she sent last last night a text asking if she can go with us this week, with an aside it looks like nice weather (smiley face, I can take xxx to Cubs if that helps?).
I’m annoyed as no one else goes in that direction I know of on public transport, so presuming she actually can’t take her herself again, it’s pressure to take the child or she won’t be going. It’s also hard as it’s my DDs friend and I don’t want a total rift.
I’m going to think in it how to reply. Sometimes posting on mn makes you more wound up than if you hadn’t posted and had just forgotten about the transient annoyance. I’m leaning towards though basically saying 3 kids of my own on the bus is enough and it’s just too tiring for regular extras.
Because I usually have all 3 of mine with me I rarely get offered lifts back as there’s too many of them, but I’m always the one being asked to have an extra child (I don’t find it hard or mind the kids, but the expectations annoy me and I end up feeling like a mug).

OP,

Don't be a mug then.

3 of your own is enough.

She is not your friend and she certainly doesn't respect you.

Her cheeky reply regarding allowing her to parent says it all.

She thinks your a mug and has treated you thus.

3 is more than enough to look after. End of.

If she is booking her child into a class she can't bring her too, she is a CF.

Don't be a mug, 3 is more than enough to care for.

She is a user.

[00100001]

@Oilpyii

Yes *@Theunamedcat* , there has been another text. She can’t have been as mortally wounded as many posters seem to think as she sent last last night a text asking if she can go with us this week, with an aside it looks like nice weather (smiley face, I can take xxx to Cubs if that helps?).
I’m annoyed as no one else goes in that direction I know of on public transport, so presuming she actually can’t take her herself again, it’s pressure to take the child or she won’t be going. It’s also hard as it’s my DDs friend and I don’t want a total rift.
I’m going to think in it how to reply. Sometimes posting on mn makes you more wound up than if you hadn’t posted and had just forgotten about the transient annoyance. I’m leaning towards though basically saying 3 kids of my own on the bus is enough and it’s just too tiring for regular extras.
Because I usually have all 3 of mine with me I rarely get offered lifts back as there’s too many of them, but I’m always the one being asked to have an extra child (I don’t find it hard or mind the kids, but the expectations annoy me and I end up feeling like a mug).

Just say you'll take her if her child takes a coat.
No coat. No go.

[00100001]

[quote Oceanbliss]**@Homebird8 Insisting on suitable clothing wasn’t undermining the parent, it was probably backing her up and providing much needed support.

I think the parent’s response says otherwise.
Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child.

Also, if the parent decided that the outfit was ok and suitable then it is undermining that parent to disagree with their decision about their own child. Who they know best.

Also, from some of the other things the op wrote it comes across as she doesn’t like the child or their family very much. Op probably shouldn’t have agreed to take the child with her in the first place.[/quote]
Well you can take the whining child out can't you? And deal with all that brings. Have fun if she catches hypothermia, because it will be entirely your fault, because you should have communicated your expectations to the parents more clearly.


The OP was not wrong.

[Oilpyii]

(She’s offering to take one of mine to Cubs in her text I know, but for whatever last minute drama will occur it won’t happen and has never happened).

[Oilpyii]

Yes @Theunamedcat , there has been another text. She can’t have been as mortally wounded as many posters seem to think as she sent last last night a text asking if she can go with us this week, with an aside it looks like nice weather (smiley face, I can take xxx to Cubs if that helps?).
I’m annoyed as no one else goes in that direction I know of on public transport, so presuming she actually can’t take her herself again, it’s pressure to take the child or she won’t be going. It’s also hard as it’s my DDs friend and I don’t want a total rift.
I’m going to think in it how to reply. Sometimes posting on mn makes you more wound up than if you hadn’t posted and had just forgotten about the transient annoyance. I’m leaning towards though basically saying 3 kids of my own on the bus is enough and it’s just too tiring for regular extras.
Because I usually have all 3 of mine with me I rarely get offered lifts back as there’s too many of them, but I’m always the one being asked to have an extra child (I don’t find it hard or mind the kids, but the expectations annoy me and I end up feeling like a mug).

[Billandben444]

Wow, I can't believe some of the responses on here! OP, you did nothing wrong and certainly don't owe anybody an apology. Apart from the thin coat, the shoes were totally unsuitable for muddy ground and puddles so her mum's parenting is pretty rubbish. I agree with you that if said child was a happy bunny soaked to the skin with squelchy feet then crack on, but you knew from experience that she'd whine and moan and be a general pita so your behaviour was totally right and I'd have done exactly the same. No, on reflection, I'd have said to the mum in advance that her daughter can be a real whinge bucket if she's cold and wet so please make sure she arrives with warm, waterproof etc etc. or I won't be able to take her. You've probably lost her friendship but I'm sure you can cope with that. Well done for being firm with the little tyrant.

[Theunamedcat]

@Oceanbliss

I also think that you owe the child an apology too.

I'm sorry your being raised by someone who allows you to get away with this behaviour im sorry your mum thinks that putting a coat in a bag for the inevitable im cold whinge is somehow a violation of you right to be cold whinge and make days out difficult for everyone im sorry im not putting up with it anymore

[Wheresmybiscuit3]

Did you text her back OP?