To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

[fruitbrewhaha]

She sounds like a PITA. You would have spent the whole time trying to sort her out. Its freezing today and very windy.

[LemmysAceCard]

I would text back "yes it is for you to parent your child, therefore you can parent them at the activities you con me into doing instead of you".

[takealettermsjones]

She is an absolute CF - presumably she knows how moany her child gets, and thus knows you'd have to put up with it.

I wonder whether this is a strategy by child - kicks off at wearing a coat, insists she is fine without one, then kicks off because she's cold, and watches the adults all fuss over her, and of course make plans to take refuge in the nearest cafe for a warming hot chocolate (pre covid of course) 😂
Sounds callous but I used to know a child that did exactly that.

[MrsAvocet]

You did the right thing.
If the other mother doesn't want anyone else imposing discipline on her child then she shouldn't expect anyone else to be taking her to activities.
It would have been you and your children who would have been left dealing with the consequences, not the other mother.
If she wants her DD to learn lessons about refusing to out a coat on then let her do it on their own family outings, not yours. In fact come to think of it, by expecting you to do that sounds exactly like she was asking you to parent her child!
Don't think any more about it. If she doesn't ask you to take the child anywhere again it sounds like that would be a blessing.

[musingloud]

If its your activity you get to set the parameters of what is needed for the activity.

The mum is completely right that it is for her to decide how her child is parented. But she is not parenting the child when the child is unsupervised at an activity with you. It is her choice as a parent whether she complies with your conditions for the activity or chooses not to and hence the child does not attend.

Its really very simple. The mother is being a dick.

[LigPatin]

YANBU and it's so refreshing to hear about people not pandering to spoilt children / entitled parents.
She experienced the natural consequences of not dressing appropriately / doing as asked - she doesn't get to go!

[Viviennemary]

I think it was cheeky of you not to take the child to the activity when you said you would and the activity had been paid for. Something should have been said before now. But the mother and child are very annoying. No more favours.

[Oilpyii]

Tbf to the child she a moaner and a nightmare for taking direction, but she’s also headstrong and kind in friendship. She’s great to have on side of someone tries to bully you as she’s fierce! She’s never been unkind to my DD, and is actually a tad easier alone normally. She’s not a nasty brat, just a bit devoid of instruction or boundaries at home and thus not good with them! I reckon she’ll grow up ok in the long run, probably run her own corporation at 20 or something 😂

[LookItsMeAgain]

This is the line from your opening post @Oilpyii that jumped out at me:
"Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh)"
So on this occasion, the child learned that they didn't go on the activity because they weren't appropriately dressed. No biggie.

[Oilpyii]

@Viviennemary I was clear I was very happy to take the child... with a coat. It was a choice they had and made. I had no issue waiting while it was fetched

[5zeds]

I’d be tempted to text back “well I should do some parenting then.” But I wouldn’t because it will be more fun to imagine than the reality.

Text back “I gave her the choice of coat or trip and she chose to go home. If you don’t want her to follow my rules I can’t help with getting her to activities. I’m sure you understand.”

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

@SionnachRua

Well, this is another learning experience for her isn't it? "If I don't have a coat, Miss X won't bring me". It's a lesson she can learn from her choice, just as mummy wanted.

Very good point. Mums plan worked. Let her wear what she wants and face the consequences. The consequences this time being, you don't get to go.

[ArabellaScott]

Sounds like a child who is tactily asking for boundaries and someone to provide firm, fair leadership/coaching. OP, I think you have actually shown her respect and I think she will return it to you. Sorry to lay it on you, but it sounds like she's looking for boundaries in you she is not finding in her parent/s.

[EarringsandLipstick]

Not only are you NBU, you have cheered me up with your no-bullshit approach, and sound totally brilliant.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@ArabellaScott

Sounds like a child who is tactily asking for boundaries and someone to provide firm, fair leadership/coaching. OP, I think you have actually shown her respect and I think she will return it to you. Sorry to lay it on you, but it sounds like she's looking for boundaries in you she is not finding in her parent/s.

Good point.

[TooMuchYarn]

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh).
Lesson here for both is - no raincoat, no trip.

[DarcyLewis]

@Viviennemary

I think it was cheeky of you not to take the child to the activity when you said you would and the activity had been paid for. Something should have been said before now. But the mother and child are very annoying. No more favours.

She was still completely willing to take her though - mum just needed to fetch a coat. The mum chose to keep her child home instead.

[Oilpyii]

All I’ve text back is:
If you want to follow us up there I’m happy to bring her back so you’re still in time for xxxxx

I cba

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I wonder whether this is a strategy by child - kicks off at wearing a coat, insists she is fine without one, then kicks off because she's cold, and watches the adults all fuss over her, and of course make plans to take refuge in the nearest cafe for a warming hot chocolate (pre covid of course) 😂
Sounds callous but I used to know a child that did exactly that."

That sounds clever rather than callous. Why the hell do people want to go walking in the cold and rain anyway (unless to get somewhere)? What a miserable activity.

[grantoderek]

Your trip your rules. In my opinion, if you were a pushover with these people, they would fully take advantage.

[Oilpyii]

Lol at the last post. Walking to the activity, not rain walking for fun 😂

[3JsMa]

YANBU,she summed it up perfectly when she said it's for her to parent her child.Let her do it then.

[WeeGobshiteBentBastard]

YANBU OP. Life is too short to tolerate the shite parenting of lazy arses.

[Notaroadrunner]

Well done for sticking to your guns. I wouldn't be offering to take her any where again and if they had the cheek to ask I'd just say no.

[Nonmaquillee]

I would have done the same ie let her go home but given that you've had similar issues in the past, I wouldn't have agreed to take the child in the first place to the activity.

I can't bear seeing kids in clothes that are too thin etc so you did the right thing.