To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

@Oilpyii

(She’s offering to take one of mine to Cubs in her text I know, but for whatever last minute drama will occur it won’t happen and has never happened).

Well this says it all really, doesn't it?

The initial matter of 'no coat' is far behind you.

It seems like this mother is firmly in CF territory if she doesn't actually ever reciprocate.

I think you would be sensible to say what you suggest, that 3 kids on public transport is enough to manage, can't take her child.

If she did actually help with lifts to Cubs or whatever, that's different but doesn't seem like she ever gives back?

@Oilpyii

(She’s offering to take one of mine to Cubs in her text I know, but for whatever last minute drama will occur it won’t happen and has never happened).

We had this arrangement with another family. They approached us as the mother didn’t drive. The idea was I’d take them and the other family dad would pick them up. It worked fine for a while until all of a sudden dad hadn’t managed to get home, was held up on train etc. etc. This started to become a regular occurrence. I had 3 other children to look after and if my DH wasn’t home I’d have to stick them all in the car (for the second time that evening) to do the other half of the cub run.

I was becoming more and more resentful. Thankfully my DS moved up to Scouts leaving her child in Cubs.The arrangement never got mentioned again.

My children are all but grown up now, but after the cub situation I wised up to these CFers and didn’t get involved in such arrangements again. I would still lift share with those who reciprocated.

"Thanks for the offer, CFer, but we'll just stick to our own routine".

OP I feel your pain, I had 3 dc in 4 and a half years so logistics affected the activities they were able to do, particularly the oldest.
I can also understand you feeling like putting it on the forum has given the issue a life of its own and had you not posted, your annoyance would have waned to a niggle by now.
However that is what the other parent is relying on.

So it’s up to you now.
You know the family and if you are certain the Cubs offer is deliberately done just to make you taking their child worthwhile but is almost certain not to happen then you make your decision accordingly.

Assuming it’s a dry day - how certain are you the child will walk at a reasonable speed with no complaints or wingeing? Is she better in the warmer weather?

Ultimately how willing are you to chance it and lastly how dependant is your child’s friendship on this favour?

If it was me I would first turn down the Cubs offer with no mention of their request so “ thanks for the offer but we are fine this week”

Then decide about the favour separately.

If you do decide to take her then you could tell mum that she is on her last chance and any repeats you won’t do it again.

If you wanted to be snippy (as snippy as she has been) you could say "Thanks for the cubs offer, but there's no need. I only sign my DC up for things if I know that I can get them to the activity myself."

Maybe "I don't think the arrangement has worked out previously so no thank you"

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

So "parenting" her child would presumably include getting said child to and from the event, correct? (Lots of mums have multiple children and make it work. Life lesson for mum I would think.) I would decline any further invitations to act as an unpaid chauffer for this particular child. No one has time for this kind and quantity of drama in their life if they have 5 children of their own. Give yourself a break!