To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

YANBU. It’s alright for the mum, she won’t have to listen to the moaning and whining today. As an aside, amused that previously the child has demanded someone else’s waterproof. She does sound like a brat

I’m not running it, I was just asked to take the child. No chance I’m refunding as I’m not obligated to take anyone

No of course you're not, I was just trying to understand all the dynamics!

Well, this is another learning experience for her isn't it? "If I don't have a coat, Miss X won't bring me". It's a lesson she can learn from her choice, just as mummy wanted.

This laid back style of hers is going to pose huge issues when the 7yo becomes a teen.

My son has friends that I may actually take without a coat, they’d just brazen it out or laugh at their silliness. Then I’d return them wet and hyper and their parents would just laugh at them, no blame on me.

You did the right thing, don’t offer to take her out anymore .

Does she know about the previous moaning and making life difficult?

Must be maddening!

I agree you did the right thing.

My activity, my rules. If she wants to come with us again she will have to abide by the recommended attire.

YANBU , you are doing the mum a favour by taking her so perfectly acceptable for you to set conditions . With a mum like that you can see why the child is like she is .

I would definitely say you won’t be taking this child out in future.

You did the right thing. Next time blunt text - they need jumper, waterproof coat and wellies or waterproof walking boots. If they dont have these then they cant come.

God help her if she was in Oz with the no hat, no play rules. 🙄

Have you replied to her text?

The other mum should be happy surely? I’m mean her dd made her choice and has presumably learned a lesson ie because she refused to wear or even take appropriate clothing she got left behind.

Hopefully the mum has learned that other adults aren’t obliged to indulge her child. So lots of choices and consequences all round .

I'd reply to her that in this situation you are the substitute parent and that her child will moan and grown and ruin it for everyone as they are not suitably dressed and will get cold. If she want to come again she must have a thick jumper, waterproof coat and wellies or waterproof boots.

UANBU.

You gave her the choice and she chose to go home, she ruined it for herself. Her mum should understand since she's so keen to let her daughter decide things for herself - or does that only count when someone else has to bear the brunt of the consequences of her choices?!

She texted you to state it was for her to parent her child?
What a cheek, when you were doing her a favour and stepping in to parent that child for her as she can’t or doesn’t want to

That would be the last time she corresponded with me like that. You are absolutely correct. Let her find someone else or do it herself

She thinks she’s parenting, but actually she’s delegating parenting to you and not giving you any choice in it.

I wouldn't have the energy to do this again. Just leave it, and stop inviting her. Hard work, not worth it.

I’d text her back and say “you’re not the one who’d have to put up with moaning and whinging from a cold, wet child though.”

Yanbu at all. Id be hacked off if i sent my child and another time ruined it for them by being a moany minnie. By all means fine to let her kid learn that lesson on her own time. Equally kids arent able to make their own decisions and need some parental decisions made in their best interests sometimes. Yanbu at all.

YANBU

Once you become in charge of the child, she IS your problem, you did absolutely the right thing.

As someone who made my 6 year old write an apology note to a parent in whose presence she had been a totally pain, and hand deliver it, YANBU.

If you’re taking the kid, then the child needs to behave appropriately.

YANBU

It’s so frustrating when parents don’t send their kids to activities in appropriate clothing and footwear. Kids aren’t always great at predicting that they will feel cold and wet in the future, but their parents should be able to! They should have at least sent a coat and suitable shoes/boots with DC so they could change their mind when they got there.

A miserable moaning child isn’t enjoying the paid for activity anyway and can ruin it for everyone else, so not unreasonable for you to refuse to deal with that

YANBU. The child AND the mother sound like entitled arseholes.

During the time my daughter (now in her mid 20s) was primary school age, (between 6 and 11 mostly,) DH and I had a load of mums behaving like this. Palming their kids off on us, and not giving a fuck if their kid had a coat, or suitable footwear, or any food, or money.

In addition, they NEVER came to pick them up when they were meant to, and we often had to drop them off, and on some occasions, they weren't even IN, and we ended up keeping said child for an extra 3 or 4 hours, sometimes even overnight.

We fell out (big time) with ONE mother, when she did this to us. Her daughter came at 3pm on a day when me and DH and DD were going out for a meal for our wedding anniversary. DD begged for this friend to be allowed in 'just for an hour...'

She was still at our house at 5.30pm. I said to the girl that she needs to go home now, as we were getting ready to go out soon. We walked her home, (she lived ten minutes walk away,) but no-one was in. So I rang her mum. No answer... SHE rang her mum. No answer!

Over the next hour, we kept ringing, and also popped round to the girl's house two more times. No-one in. House bolted up.

We were fucking fuming. 7pm came and the girl was still here. No answer on the phone OR the door. We went to her nan's house, 3 miles away, (and no-one in there either.)

We were meant to be going out at 7.30-7.45pm, and the girl was still at our house. Our table was booked for 8pm, and we missed it... I was fucking incensed and so was DH.

At 8.30pm, still nothing. No-one in, and no-one answering the phone. DH rang the mum and left a message on her voicemail saying he can only assume she has abandoned her daughter, as no-one is in, and no-one is answering the phone, even at 8.30 at night. So if she doesn't come to get her within the next half hour, he's calling the police.'

Twenty minutes later, the mum turned up. She screamed 'Get here Poppy! Fuxake!' Then she glared at us, called us cunts, and said 'how dare you threaten me with calling the fucking police!' with an angry glare as she stomped off.

We were so shocked, like WTF ??? She is the disgusting irresponsible 'mother' who doesn't give a fuck about her daughter, yet we were being screamed at by her...'

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

This story just reminded me of this!

Oh, our DD still sees this girl (now woman,) now and again, and she left home at 17, never went back, and has had nothing to do with her 'mother' for ten years. Shocker.

@Oilpyii PLEASE don't become the same kind of doormat/mug that I was for quite a few years when DD was primary school age. Many parents will take the piss, because they can't be arsed with their OWN children! Glad to see you made the child go home ... Continue to be strong!