To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

But why did you expect this time to be different? You know the child and yet you agreed to take her. If you'd said 'no' perhaps the mum could have come up with a solution that didn't involve the child missing the activity and the family being out of pocket.

[melj1213]

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Summerfun54321 responsible for her safety not her body temperature.[/quote]
When a child turns up in inappropriate clothing for the weather conditions then it is a safety issue.

Where I am it has been drizzly rain all day but every so often the heavens will open and there is a massive, heavy downpour in addition to the strong winds. If I was taking DD and a friend to an outdoor activity then warm, waterproof clothing is a minimum requirement as inappropriate clothing in the situation can be dangerous as it can lead to hypothermia.

[DisappearingGirl]

YANBU, I think both the kid and the mother have experienced some natural consequences here, whether the mother realises it or not!

[melj1213]

perhaps the mum could have come up with a solution that didn't involve the child missing the activity and the family being out of pocket.

The child missed the activity because of their own behaviour. The OP told the child they needed weather appropriate clothing and they had two options - go and get it (with plenty of time before they had to leave) or stay at home. The child decided to stay at home - that is not the OPs problem to deal with.

[Allthereindeersaregirls]

I'm all for kids learning that not taking a coat means getting cold or wet but that was just ridiculous - the parent could at least have told the kid to take the coat even if she wouldn't wear it!

[lottiegarbanzo]

YANBU at all. The mum can't ask a favour, have it agreed, then set conditions on how that favour will be delivered.

If her request was 'will you take my dd without her coat and put up with her whinging and walking at half speed, because I'm trying to teach her natural consequences, please?', you'd have said no from the off.

That really is expecting you to do her parenting for her!

[Notsoaccidentproneanymore]

Ds1’s friend had parents like this.

Turning up without a coat in winter when we were going to the park.

Punched ds2 in the stomach for being annoying (6 year age difference). I sent him home and expected a phone call from the parents. I range them after an hr to check he’d got home ok. They didn’t ask why he’d been sent home, he hadn’t said. None of them apologized, so he wasn’t ever invited again.

Best thing - his df was a social worker and his dm was training to be a social worker.

Some parents just don’t like setting boundaries for their children, which just impacts on everyone else.

[S111n20]

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Summerfun54321 responsible for her safety not her body temperature.[/quote]
Of course she is. YANBU op like others have said you would have had to listen to the moaning and possibly cut the activity early. Sounds like the mother just finds it easier not to argue with the child for a easy life.

[StepawayfromtheBiscuittin]

Totally YANBU. I like that you offered for her to catch up as it shows you were just being practical.
Hopefully the child will now have more sense than her mum and turn up appropriately dressed for anything in the future. Her mum has some brass neck sending you that text. I'd not have let my child go in that situation but if I had, I'd have texted you back saying thanks, she needs to learn that there are consequences when going with other people.

[Fundays12]

Your quite right it's basic care to ensure your child is adequately dressed for the weather. Will she start turning up in the summer with no sunscreen and her badly burnt? Or will she get sick from the cold and wet if you take her? Her mum isn't parenting her she is allowing her daughter to dictate to even if her daughter doesn't have the ability yet to understand those choices may make her sick, ruin the trip for her or others. I wouldn't take her either. She just sounds like she moans constantly anyway.

[YanTanTethera123]

Reminds me of when we were farming and the attire some of the DCs friends turned up in for play dates- white clothes/sandals/ party dresses. I had a ready supply of spare clothes that could cope with mud, muck, water, the cold, rain and den-making. It wasn’t unusual to put a kid through the shower before they changed and went home!

[nancywhitehead]

Tbh I'm not surprised the kid is hard work as it sounds like her parents are quite "hands off" to put it kindly!

I wouldn't have put up with it either OP and would have done exactly what you did. If your child is going to an activity with another adult then they have to follow the rules set by that adult.

[AlmostSummer21]

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child


Cheeky bloody cow. She's asked for a favour! You agreed, stipulated suitable clothing & gave them an option of going back for a coat when they turned up without suitable clothing.

She chose to let her 7 yo make a chouce, that's her lookout if it inconveniences her.

Then she had the bloody cheek to text you that???

I'd reply. 'I'm glad we agree on that, so I'll assume you won't be asking me to do it for you again in the future!'

[steppemum]

@DoubleTweenQueen

My children are a bit like this, but we always take something wind and water proof - usually a light jacket - in a backpack for the inevitable “I’m cold” moment. In winter I always pack extra gloves and hats - don’t weigh anything. Wellies or walking boots if out and about in the British weather - if insisting on canvas/trainers, then no go.

Her mother is unreasonable not providing the appropriate things, even if she won’t wear them straight away.
I do feel sorry for the girl though :( There are ways to encourage/bribe. She can’t be enjoying herself much.

OK, this is going to sound a bit mean, but you are a mug.

I make my kids carry it themselves, waterproof/hoodies tied round their waist. Gloves zipped in pockets of coat.

But anyway, yesterday a 'light jacket' would not have cut it. I walked the dog in a thick warm, winter fleece coat and was cold

[nancywhitehead]

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

If you leave your child in the care of another adult for an activity, that adult is responsbile for your child during that time. So presumably in your case you would inform them that the child has autism and of any needs they have, and the other adult would decide if they have the capacity to care for them.

If someone is looking after a child - especially on an outdoor activity - then it absolutely is their business whether they are dressed appropriately and if they aren't/ can't be for whatever reason, what their needs are, because they are caring for that child!

[cansu]

Given u are doing her a favour by taking child along with yours she has a bloody cheek. Tell her that she is welcome to take her own child to the activity and walk around with them without a coat.

[Fundays12]

I notice a comment about your child having autism and is often inappropriate dressed. My eldest had autism to so I do understand sensory issues. However it is the OP business as she is being expected to take a child who is not equipped for the weather and she knows will be cold, miserable and ruin it for others kids. The child will then try take other kids jackets so clearly does need one with her.

My autistic son often refuses jackets etc but will be going woodland walking this afternoon and it's raining he still had one in his bag along with wellies on his feet with trainers in his bag. The adult he is going with knows this. It's about the child being put out in cold, wet conditions with no means of keeping warm and dry if they need to. If a parent chooses to do that it's up to them as they are dealing with the consequences of the choice but you can't expect anyone else to.

[MzHz]

Why were you asked to take this child?

Next time you say no.

“Tbh, XXX isn’t a kid that just tags along, the not listening to anyone, the moaning, the demanding of the kit of others, it’s too much I can’t be arsed. So thanks but no thanks”

[Sceptre86]

Yanbu but you should have explained in your message back that the child moans and ruins the atmosphere for the other kids which isn't fair. Instead you still offered to be of help when the other mum sent you an impolite text. Stop doing her favours. She can try the no coat thing and her dd learning a lesson when she takes her out herself not when she is in your care.

[PeridotEyes]

In your situation I would have taken the child on this occasion, along with some spare clothes my kids had in case of moans. And then I would have refused in future.

But I always made my kids have their own backpack to carry a drink, coat and anything else they wanted to take.

[BlackberrySky]

I would message the mum and say "Sorry I can't take xxx to this activity any more. Unfortunately she can't keep pace with the others and that is making us late. I suspect it's because she is inappropriately dressed for the walk, but you may think otherwise. Either way, I'm afraid I can't take her "

[Laggartha]

The only response to this is ‘You’re absolutely right. I’m so glad you understand and agree that it’s not my job to deal with a child who is cold, wet and miserable because they weren’t dressed for the weather’.

I was thinking something along the same lines as this. "You're absolutely right, I'm sorry you've missed out on the activity. It won't happen again".

[Dixiechickonhols]

Well done OP. You were doing mum a favour. You are in loco parentis what you say goes. How far does learn consequences go? Eg you might make child hold hand near waterfront whereas mum lets her run free. On your watch it’s your call. You are looking after her. You shouldn’t have to put up with a cold moaning child spoiling it for the rest of you. I’d never offer to mind her again. I’d tell mum you were doing her a favour but won’t be again.

[Laggartha]

(And I also agree with those saying, "well done" and "good for you"!).

[ssd]

I thought you'd posted this in the wrong section op, i thought you were a childminder.
Anyway, you did the right thing.