To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

It’s hard to work out from your messages why or how exactly you are involved in taking kids out regularly and your relationship to this family. It’s not the clothes really it’s the behaviour of both mother and child. If it’s sustained this long it sounds as if child is unhappy. Mother sounds very “Entitled”. Can remember this coat thing with daughter at that age it seemed fashion led. Think it lasted about a month. Sounds as if not your problem.

@Hertsgirl10

Give the mum the money back and don’t take her out again. That can be mum & child’s new life lesson.

The op won't be giving any money to the mother as the activity had been paid for and the op was simply doing the mother a favour by agreeing to bring her child to the activity. The mother probably won't have any luck retrieving the money from the activity providers as it's not their fault the child failed to show up. So this is a good lesson for both the child, who missed out due to her behaviour, and the mother who pandered to the child.

@sue20 what’s hard. My children go a sports activity. Other child books the same activity. Their Mum asks if child can tag alone with us on the journey there and back. A fairly common occurrence if you have kids going to activities, sharing lifts or journeys.

@Hertsgirl10

Give the mum the money back and don’t take her out again. That can be mum & child’s new life lesson.

What money?

@sue20

It’s hard to work out from your messages why or how exactly you are involved in taking kids out regularly and your relationship to this family. It’s not the clothes really it’s the behaviour of both mother and child. If it’s sustained this long it sounds as if child is unhappy. Mother sounds very “Entitled”. Can remember this coat thing with daughter at that age it seemed fashion led. Think it lasted about a month. Sounds as if not your problem.

it's not bloody rocket scince, is it?

Two children from different families are going to the same place.
Parent A asks Parent B if they wouldn't mind taking Child A with them, to save two sets of adults going.

Op I read your post as the dock land walk being part of the activity. You don’t mention that it is a sport activity, could be art, drama, anything! I was trying to be helpful, your post was apparently asking for opinions and mine wasn’t unsympathetic to you. My experience of raising children (and also as a teacher ) was that when taking them out for activities, their parents usually got their child to the venue. Maybe sometimes we would drop a child home at the end. You don’t need to give an assuming and patronising reply in this fashion. There isn’t some kind of “normal”, I have dealt with this situation regularly thank you.

You don’t mention that it is a sport activity, could be art, drama, anything!

What difference does it make what the activity is?

OP clearly said It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon

The child had no coat and was wearing canvas shoes. That is not appropriate for walking in wet weather even if the activity is art or drama and nothing outdoorsy. She would have gotten soaked and been miserable throughout any activity even an indoor one.

I have a friend who takes my child with hers paddle boarding. She is experienced and qualified.
I always fit in with what she says to the letter in terms of kit etc. What she says goes if she is the one taking two young boys out on the water.

@sue20 oh yes, my bad. If it was. A music lesson I can see how that would have protected them from the rain...?

If the child really doesn’t want to be warm and dry, just let them be.
They’ll soon learn and ask mum for warm gear next time, if they absolutely want to.

Maybe the child is picking up on your impatience and playing on it by being extra slow and stroppy try engaging them better? I love kids like this, I enjoy the challenge. But then I’m soft with kids and let the get away with things like this.

try engaging them better?

Yeah, OP, your free childcare, provided as a favour when you ideally would just be taking your own kids along, is sub-par. You must try harder.

Some of these replies! OP was doing the mum a favour. Surely if a mum is taking your child you fit in with them and expect your child to do what x’s mum says. Teaching kid that what x’s mum says can be ignored is downright dangerous - they are walking near docks child needs to do as told for safety. Mines a teen now but I always was the mum who’d take extra children (worked part time and only one child) all were polite and did what they were told and thanked me after as did their parents.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

If the child really doesn’t want to be warm and dry, just let them be. They’ll soon learn and ask mum for warm gear next time, if they absolutely want to.

Maybe the child is picking up on your impatience and playing on it by being extra slow and stroppy try engaging them better? I love kids like this, I enjoy the challenge. But then I’m soft with kids and let the get away with things like this.

I think you missed the bit where the kid CONSTANTLY moans and whines. If the child is happy in just a t-shirt, then nobody cares. but that isn't the case here, is it?

Why should she have to "engage them better" - not her kids, not her problem to have to shoulder.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

If the child really doesn’t want to be warm and dry, just let them be. They’ll soon learn and ask mum for warm gear next time, if they absolutely want to.

Maybe the child is picking up on your impatience and playing on it by being extra slow and stroppy try engaging them better? I love kids like this, I enjoy the challenge. But then I’m soft with kids and let the get away with things like this.

Yeah, and that's how they turn into nightmare adults. Not to be glorified. She's on a day out and is being a PITA, she shouldn't need engaging better.

OP is on her own on public transport with 3 kids - 4 if inappropriately dressed child comes. Yes child might have been fine but OP knowing weather, the walk and child’s previous demeanour, predicted problems and didn’t want to go there. Why risk it? What would OP do if child was too cold or her soaking shoes were rubbing feet so she couldn’t walk. Phone the mum but she’s miles away with another child hence needing favour from OP. Then what? You can’t just abandon a 7 year old in your care by docks and say I told you and your mum you needed a coat and waterproof shoes.

To the poster who said that parents might not tell others who need to know about their child's special needs. I'm a Cub Scout Leader and numerous times I've had children in my pack and the parent hasn't imparted that information. It makes our job a whole lot easier if we know what support the child needs!

@Dixiechickonhols maybe that’s the trick. I just return without the child then tell the parent they are still at the Docks alone. Natural consequences, hopefully they remember where the bus stop is...

I agree that once the child is handed over to you, you are in loco parentis so you can insist on the conditions you are willing to take the child it is not that you are being unreasonable suggesting a coat be packed .. I wouldn't bother taking her and let this woman take her own child to the event

Has this child’s mother gotten other people to take her child to this activity before? Maybe by car?

I’m curious as to whether she’s working her way down a list of parents to take her little darling to this activity...

"I totally agree it's for you to parent. Next time, if she wants to come inappropriately dressed, I assume that a parent will be happy to come and pick her up from wherever we are the moment she starts whinging and spoiling our day because she is cold/wet."

@Oilpyii I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

The text you sent reads like a suggestion. Then they have turned up and it’s a non negotiable requirement they have to adhere to for you to take the child with you.

So, YABU because you should have been honest, upfront and clear from the start that you would only take the child with you if they brought a coat with them.

You didn’t make that clear in advance, you left it to the last minute and inconvenienced the person you led to believe that you would take their child with you.

I think that that is incredibly rude. The child refusing to wear or take a coat or being a bit whiny is not a justification for you to be rude, unreliable and less than honest/upfront.

If you make a commitment you should honour that commitment. If you don’t want to honour a commitment then don’t make it in the first place.

Helping each other out is something a lot of people do without being disrespectful. Helping someone out isn’t an excuse to treat them with less respect. Undermining a parent or a teacher in front of children is massively disrespectful and has negative consequences on children.

That is another reason why YABU. You undermined this parent in front of their child.

You shouldn't have to instruct an adult on appropriate clothing for a child!

[quote Oceanbliss]**@Oilpyii* I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’*

The text you sent reads like a suggestion. Then they have turned up and it’s a non negotiable requirement they have to adhere to for you to take the child with you.

So, YABU because you should have been honest, upfront and clear from the start that you would only take the child with you if they brought a coat with them.

You didn’t make that clear in advance, you left it to the last minute and inconvenienced the person you led to believe that you would take their child with you.

I think that that is incredibly rude. The child refusing to wear or take a coat or being a bit whiny is not a justification for you to be rude, unreliable and less than honest/upfront.[/quote]
That's BS.

The OP should have somehow foreseen the fact that the child would refuse a coat and put a direct and clear statement about attending based on the thing she has no way of knowing will happen???

Yea it's up to her to parent her child so why isn't she ffs. It's up to her to tell her child to wear the appropriate clothing but she chose not to, her fault. Sounds like she lets the kid walk all over her. I am glad you realised the way you did you were absolutely right, I'm proud of you