To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

LOL, she isn't really into 'natural consequences' - she just wants to palm off her job to you.

The bit about 'it's for her to parent her child' is priceless.

You definitely did the right thing. I will argue with my 3yo about taking a coat because she’s 3 and learning but not my 7 & 9yo’s they do as they are told or don’t go. I’d also not let them go if they behaved like this girl and going to ruin things for everyone else. There is no way their Brownies and Rainbows pack leaders would take that shit either, they list what’s required and they don’t tolerate ruining things for everyone else.

I regularly look after my DDs friend she lives on a farm, will walk round in tshirts and shorts in the depths of winter and tough as nails but she always takes the appropriate clothes to brownies as requested.

I would be telling the mum that yes it’s her job to parent her child and it’s not yours to put up with a child who is clearly going to ruin the trip because she is not dressed appropriately and being difficult.

Leave the poorly dressed whinge- bucket behind.
We once took an improperly dressed child to a forestry commission day out, and the poor kid was wearing shorts and thin daps and NO COAT.
And no food either.
School trip.
Poor kid was grossly underdressed.
Not poor- just disorganised parenting.😩

Why r u even taking the brat out or entering in an argument with the brat mother .

And this, right here, is why voluntary children's groups can't recruit and retain the adult helpers the way they used to. Imagine this 7yo x12 or x20 and all the demanding/moany email traffic that can generate. 🙄

And while we're at it, if we are all in agreement that a 7yo is not yet capable of reliably and independently selecting their own clothing for a given activity, what is going on when parents of a 4yo are enabling a child to decide their own sex and taking them to a gender clinic?

“Look, no coat”

You did the right thing. Usually kids learn from their mistakes, sounds as if this girl stubbornly persists a bit longer than most. Hopefully her mother at least has got the message!

I wonder if the parent would agree with the child’s choice of clothes for an ‘swimming’ or skiiing activity or would she do what she’s supposed to and make the child wear appropriate clothing?

I also read the title and was going to say yabu but reading the scenario you are most definitely not!! I don’t understand how a parent can’t tell their child they need a coat or they won’t go. That would be a life lesson, don’t do as I tell you then you won’t go, not making the other parent be the bearer of all the whinging and moaning because they are cold/wet feet/miserable etc. Sounds like she doesn’t know how to parent to me.

You would be the responsible adult for the activity. It snowed here today. Canvas pumps and no coat strike me as bordering on neglect. You definitely did the right thing. If they'd got ill you'd have been held responsible I'm sure!

@littlepattilou

YANBU. The child AND the mother sound like entitled arseholes.

During the time my daughter (now in her mid 20s) was primary school age, (between 6 and 11 mostly,) DH and I had a load of mums behaving like this. Palming their kids off on us, and not giving a fuck if their kid had a coat, or suitable footwear, or any food, or money.

In addition, they NEVER came to pick them up when they were meant to, and we often had to drop them off, and on some occasions, they weren't even IN, and we ended up keeping said child for an extra 3 or 4 hours, sometimes even overnight.

We fell out (big time) with ONE mother, when she did this to us. Her daughter came at 3pm on a day when me and DH and DD were going out for a meal for our wedding anniversary. DD begged for this friend to be allowed in 'just for an hour...'

She was still at our house at 5.30pm. I said to the girl that she needs to go home now, as we were getting ready to go out soon. We walked her home, (she lived ten minutes walk away,) but no-one was in. So I rang her mum. No answer... SHE rang her mum. No answer!

Over the next hour, we kept ringing, and also popped round to the girl's house two more times. No-one in. House bolted up.

We were fucking fuming. 7pm came and the girl was still here. No answer on the phone OR the door. We went to her nan's house, 3 miles away, (and no-one in there either.)

We were meant to be going out at 7.30-7.45pm, and the girl was still at our house. Our table was booked for 8pm, and we missed it... I was fucking incensed and so was DH.

At 8.30pm, still nothing. No-one in, and no-one answering the phone. DH rang the mum and left a message on her voicemail saying he can only assume she has abandoned her daughter, as no-one is in, and no-one is answering the phone, even at 8.30 at night. So if she doesn't come to get her within the next half hour, he's calling the police.'

Twenty minutes later, the mum turned up. She screamed 'Get here Poppy! Fuxake!' Then she glared at us, called us cunts, and said 'how dare you threaten me with calling the fucking police!' with an angry glare as she stomped off.

We were so shocked, like WTF ??? She is the disgusting irresponsible 'mother' who doesn't give a fuck about her daughter, yet we were being screamed at by her...'

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

This story just reminded me of this!

Oh, our DD still sees this girl (now woman,) now and again, and she left home at 17, never went back, and has had nothing to do with her 'mother' for ten years. Shocker.

@Oilpyii PLEASE don't become the same kind of doormat/mug that I was for quite a few years when DD was primary school age. Many parents will take the piss, because they can't be arsed with their OWN children! Glad to see you made the child go home ... Continue to be strong!

@littlepattilou who was supposed to be looking after your daughter while you went out? Could that person not have minded the other girl too?

Well hopefully she won’t ask you again. I hate kids moaning especially when they aren’t my own so I can’t tell them to button it or no computers. My son sometimes walks super slow when he is annoyed with me. I have been known to pick him up.

You did the right thing OP, I’ve done similar.

I was taking a few kids paddle boarding. One mum turned up and I asked about sun cream. I’d previously watsapped them all asking for them to bring some and for it to be applied before we left so they knew in advance. Mum replied with that they never wore sun cream as the kids have natural oils in their skin to protect them. I also wasn’t allowed to apply any as it causes cancer apparently.... They had very blonde hair and didn’t even have a hat. Just came in t- shirt and shirt shorts. Swim wear underneath.

It was already blazing hot and I knew out on the water they would get scorched. So I refused to take them and the mum hasn’t spoken to me since 🥴

Good for you. Amazing how people can be so entitled. And why doesn't she parent her own child? If someone was doing me a favour by taking my child somewhere, and said she would have to bring her coat, no question, the coat goes with. Thank you very much, so appreciate you doing us this favour. Not some piss poor cross text.

i hope you don't agree to do her future favours, although I suspect now she knows you won't put up with her shit she won't ask.

Your trip out, your rules. It’s that simple.

Sounds as if the child is used to getting her own way. Well done for not backing down. I’d be interested to know if she’s learned a lesson.

YANBU.

You are absolutely right to leave them behind. Imagine if the “poor little darling” got ill as a result of being cold and wet. Then the parents would also moan. I couldn’t handle the moaning when they got cold and wet, imagine them ruining the activity for EVERYONE else because they got cold and wet! My guess is the “poor little darling 🙄” decided not to bring a coat for exactly this reason, they didn’t want to go - even if they had had a coat they still would have moaned excessively as they just didn’t want to be there. Now the child has missed the “paid for activity” maybe the parents will be in more of a hurry to enforce that their child take appropriate attire next time!

I think I would have texted back that you hoped she learned something today.

That when someone says wear warm waterproof clothing, you wear warm waterproof clothing and don’t turn up in a thin hoodie and unsuitable footwear and then refuse to go back and change because she is going to miss out on a lot of activities in the future if she doesn’t learn

@HaveringWavering that not really the point is it? They just left their child with others expecting them to be looked at and ignored all the phone calls. I’m assuming the child was also fed by the people taking care of her.

I would text back "yes but when she is with me, I am the one to suffer the consequences of her being cold and wet"

I think you were very clear and fair OP

@haveringwavering you win the prize for today's twatty obtuse bastard post well done.

Littlepattilou quite clearly stated that her DD was coming with them to the restaurant. Did you choose to overlook that part just so you could post something contrary?

YANBU. Your outing your rules.

Och, I'd have just taken a spare coat. Life's too short.

@eatsleepread

Och, I'd have just taken a spare coat. Life's too short.

OP doesn't live near the bus stop so had no spare coat.

RTFT.

Sounds like it is not just the kid that needs a lesson in natural consequences. “It’s for me to parent my child” - well, she ought to try it sometime!

Good backbone, OP. You shouldn’t have your day ruined by a cold, wet, whiny child who is too stubborn to dress properly, and whose parent is too lazy/drippy/stupid to insist.