To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

@eatsleepread

Och, I'd have just taken a spare coat. Life's too short.

Where would you have got a spare coat? The OP was a fair distance from her home so no time to go back, the child's home was nearby but parent refused to fetch coat. What would your option have involved?

To be fair, when my DC were small there was usually an assortment of clothing in the car intended as spares for my DC but could be useful for other DC too. But in this case the OP was catching a bus so not in a position to have extra clothing.

@HollowTalk

Well if you were the one taking her child out then you were parenting her child, not her. All too easy for the mum to let her child go off dressed like that when she's not the one having to deal with the moaning afterwards.

Above - perfect - Text that to her. I wouldn’t have been so harsh though, But then I’m a wuss.

eatsleep Why should Op? Plus she didn’t have a spare coat at bus stop she says it’s a good walk from her house. Doesn’t sort canvas pumps problem either - child would have had soaking wet feet. If the pumps rub and her feet blister/bleed that’s miserable for child and OP who is also caring for 3 other children near water.

And you haven’t parented her child you’ve been a parent there’s a difference 😳

Mother does sound extraordinarily stupid. The child sounds irritating; who would willingly take that baggage across the road?

Trouble is the whole group pays the consequences not just the noncoat wearing child!

If a kid doesn't want to wear a coat then EVERY normal mother I know would say 'okay, let's just take it with in case you need it later'. This isn't a toddler FFS. What a cheek for the mum to not pack her child a coat or make her take one in case. I'd be telling the mum to get her shit together.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Summerfun54321 responsible for her safety not her body temperature.[/quote]
You've heard of hypothermia, right?

@HaveringWavering

Priceless, absolutely priceless 😂😂😂

i had to carry a child around the zoo once because the mum made the child wear shoes that were too tight , poor kid had blisters he was 8 and my back was broke , i now make sure any child i take out is properly equipped

@littlepattilou who was supposed to be looking after your daughter while you went out? Could that person not have minded the other girl too?

Why should they, Havering?

You are venting your spleen! I wouldn't bother to invite the child anywhere again. It's not your job.

I’d take her and ignored her if she complained. The child needs to learn it’s not all about what she wants. And if the parents complain she came home moaning you can say I told you she wasn’t dressed for it.

I did think YWBU but as I thin of it now. I think you did the best at the time. In reply I’d say to Mum, “yes I totally agree that it IS your’re roll to mother your child. It’s not my roll”

This is a very young child your taking about, seems sad you’ve judged her seemingly as if she was an adult - I’d just lend them some stuff and bring a towel, the world isn’t going to end.

There’s some really vile comments on this thread about a very young child. It’s pretty sickening tbh.

Sounds like mum needs to put her big girl knickers on and actually try parenting rather than being dictated to by a child.

It’s her problem losing out on a paid trip. She should have managed her diary better to take the kid herself.

@winniestone37

This is a very young child your taking about, seems sad you’ve judged her seemingly as if she was an adult - I’d just lend them some stuff and bring a towel, the world isn’t going to end.

The towel thing made me laugh, that's like the advice in Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe. Always know where your towel is.

Do you always carry your towel with you? And you know that the only way to 'lend them some stuff' would be for the OP to remove clothes from her own appropriately dressed DC. There were no other clothes available.

@winniestone37

There’s some really vile comments on this thread about a very young child. It’s pretty sickening tbh.

Behave

Even if littlepatilou had arranged a babysitter for her own child, it would not be right for the sitter to suddenly find they were responsible for an extra child, nor would it be right to leave the visiting child with someone who is a stranger to their parents without the parents' consent. If anything had happened I think we can all guess where the blame would have rested!

I agree with what you did, especially as you have had problems in the past with the child complaining of being cold, etc.

I think, given you had sort of anticipated this, you could have been more direct with the mum about the coat situation up front (even if it meant being as blunt as "You're going to need to make X wear a warm coat and wellies. It's going to be cold and wet and I'm not prepared to put up with her moaning the way she does if she's not suitably protected"). Then she would have had the time to realise it wasn't going to work and consider if she could make other arrangements. But ultimately YWNBU at all.

Also, agree with others that if a parent asked me to supervise their kid and didn't think that involved some authority to "parent" them, I wouldn't be willing to supervise their kid at all.

The reply to the text about her parenting her child is, "Yes, it is, which is why I won't attempt to deal with the fallout from your choices in parenting all day long."

The issue is that the child repeatedly moans and doesn't learn the lesson.

I've got a very sensory child that does not do trousers. But on a day like this, he would be briefed that he needs long socks or leg warmers so his lower legs are protected, and told to wear shorts that are of heavier fabric. He would have what he needs to not have hypothermia (and has never had hypothermia after many years of clothing battles). He also doesn't moan.
He is provided with what he needs to be safe and comfortable. I would be cheesed off if someone took issue with the shorts as a superficial point of style, he's often got warmer socks/ shorts than the more socially conventional trousers, but anyone who looks after him (friends' parents/ youth group leaders) know what he is like. Unlike OP's case, he would not be a misery out of the consequences of his sartorial choices.
(I don't appreciate being sworn at by total strangers in the street in front of my child who was perfectly happy and warm despite low temperatures; this is why it's a sensitive topic to me)

I've been a leader with youth groups for years. Some children stay warm and happy in minimal clothing. Some are under equipped for their needs and obvious conditions. One night we did an activity in frosty conditions for a few hours. I was heavily pregnant and somewhat immobile and ended up with one girl sharing my blankets as she was only in basic uniform and ended up far too cold part way through the event. Another older girl was also only in uniform, but was comfortable and not a concern. Frustratingly it is the cheeky fucker parents that do a good job of scarpering and being hard to contact when they've left you with a poorly prepared child.
We're practicing outdoors at present and the temperature plummets part way through the evening and we keep having to emphisise that they need warmer layers for the second half. (Oh how I feel like a hypocrite to those families that know my child... )

In OP's case, the parent needs to know that it's the combination of clothing AND the impact of the child's behaviour that is the issue.