To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

I think it’s best you stop including this child in your activities. All kids should put a coat on if needed or at the very least take one with them in case...this one sounds like a spoilt brat!

Ha, yanbu. ‘It is for you to parent your child, but she will be miserable and make our day miserable. It is absolutely up to me to decline to put myself or my children through that.’

I voted YABU but that was before I saw the update with the age of the child- I assumed you were talking about a teenager. At that age you are not being unreasonable at all. I couldn't be arsed listening to moaning all day from a child whose parent hadn't provided them with a coat. Let her deal with it on her own time.

I agree with you. My kid is the type to say she doesn't want to wear a coat but would moan about being cold outside.

@Embracingthechaos

I voted YABU but that was before I saw the update with the age of the child- I assumed you were talking about a teenager. At that age you are not being unreasonable at all. I couldn't be arsed listening to moaning all day from a child whose parent hadn't provided them with a coat. Let her deal with it on her own time.

How would it be unreasonable to refuse to take a teenager in the situation outlined in the OP?

Your trip, your rules. You haven’t been unreasonable at all. Good on you for sticking up for yourself!

I’d be mortified if my child was stroppy with another parent who was doing them the favour of taking them to an activity.

She should be speaking to her daughter in cross tones, not you.

If she’s got the minerals to text you telling you not to parent her child. I’d message back that you have no intention of doing so, and you also have no intention of allowing yourself to be spoken to in the tones her daughter has. You wouldn’t take it from your own, so I’m sure you’re not going to take it from someone else's child!

I think you're a legend. This child needs to be taught to respect any adult looking after her. You weren't asking anything unreasonable. Why should you and your kids be miserable because she's going to whinge and kick off when she gets cold and wet. If her mum refuses to teach her to do as she's told she can deal with the fallout. Whingey kids drive me mad but I imagine would be unbearable when they aren't yours and you have your own children! Good for you standing firm.

Urgh I have a child like this age 9. Absolutely refuses to wear a coat, it's like she cannot understand if she is warm/dry now how she could possibly be cold/wet in the future. HOWEVER i make her take one with her 'just in case'. She would still rather not and I get an eye roll etc but its non negotiable. The mum in your op is in the wrong.

Just to clarify again, for those with coat refusers, I’ve taken it it kids without coats before and I don’t care.’y son had a friend who wore shorts all yet round, others who never wore coats. They were happy. Another friend of his until 8 or 9 dressed as a super hero every single day, again whatever- happy kid.
As long as they are happy enough. I couldn’t care less!

I have a child like that (also incredibly slow at walking etc. In our case, said child is a homebird and can’t see the point in going anywhere so we try to find a good balance between the two). It’s bloody hard work, which is why I wouldn’t palm them off on anyone to tag along unless it was a good friend who agreed and knew the score.

We do the ‘coat in a tote bag in case you need it’ option and it’s pretty much routine now they’re in their teens.

Don’t blame you for not bringing the child. Problem could have been solved easily, if the mum had just popped back for a coat in a bag.

@NewlyGranny

And this, right here, is why voluntary children's groups can't recruit and retain the adult helpers the way they used to. Imagine this 7yo x12 or x20 and all the demanding/moany email traffic that can generate. 🙄

And while we're at it, if we are all in agreement that a 7yo is not yet capable of reliably and independently selecting their own clothing for a given activity, what is going on when parents of a 4yo are enabling a child to decide their own sex and taking them to a gender clinic?

So very true! The reason we don't turn our DC out into the world as toddlers to fend for themselves is that they need the care, structure, love & boundaries that we as parents give them.
OP you get a virtual gold star for teaching mother & child a life lesson

I do think “these days” a minority of kids are shocked when there is an actual tangible consequence to their actions - due to their own parents being wet.

I used to host foreign teens for a language school. Strictly no smoking policy. One girl asked if she could smoke in the room. I said no. She did anyway 🙄🙄. Immediately rang her teacher and she had to leave. She just couldn’t believe it!

So the whining was the final straw!

My Daughter won’t wear coats and will only wear certain footwear . This is due to sensory issues she has . This may explain the parents terse response about it being her job to parent if that isn’t case with her child , as she may not want to divulge that .

Equally if the child is causing disruption you have the right to refuse to take them and to explain to the parent your reasons why .

@QueenBee70

My Daughter won’t wear coats and will only wear certain footwear . This is due to sensory issues she has . This may explain the parents terse response about it being her job to parent if that isn’t case with her child , as she may not want to divulge that .

Equally if the child is causing disruption you have the right to refuse to take them and to explain to the parent your reasons why .

If that is the case not isn’t !

@Dixiechickonhols

OP’s already walked to bus stop with 3 kids. 3 kids to mind on bus and then a decent walk along waterfront. Hang around whilst do activities and same in reverse. Agreeing to take an extra child was very kind of OP. The mum should have been extremely grateful not moaning. It’s not like if child is cold she can just tell them to sit in car.

Couldn't agree more, she ASKED for a favour and couldn't even follow the simple instruction of dress the child for the predicted weather.

I 100% agree with the OP's actions.

She has her own children, I think she was extremely kind to even agree considering what happened on the last occasion.

I never felt in the least obligated to tolerate difficult children and I NEVER did.

Too many well mannered, lovely, appreciative children out there to be bothering with the few indulged ones.

Not my problem.

[quote Oilpyii]@Lexilooo
‘ In future when arrangements are communicated say "all children must arrive with wellies and a waterproof coat for this trip or they will not be allowed to attend"’

If I was running a school I’d probably send out stuff like this. If you ask me to take your kid somewhere as a favour though I owe you nothing. Take it or leave it, get your own child to the activity yourself if you don’t agree with me. That’s easier for me anyway.[/quote]
Sorry your first post read like it was some kind of official trip, or group activity, later posts suggest that it wasn't. I'd still be more direct in communicating rules beforehand just to avoid last minute drama.

If I were you I would immediately say no next time. Don’t engage. No explanation necessary. This is boring for you and a waste of everyone’s time. No one needs this.

@Lexilooo it’s easy to say about being clear with hindsight, but on a rainy day you don’t really expect to have to say ‘wear a coat’ to a child who you’ve seen in a coat many times. For all I know she could’ve decided that day to bring her pet dog, I didn’t expressly say ‘don’t bring the dog’ so would that also have been something I should have foreseen? Should I have also clearly in this text of rules added things like ‘walk at the same speed as me’, ‘don’t press the bell on the bus if it’s not our stop’, ‘don’t bring pets or siblings’ or ‘I won’t take you if you have hair chalk on that will run in the rain onto everything you touch’. Surely it’s normal for people to exercise common senses but.
I mentioned the weather, I think that’s enough. No one could ever foresee every silly whim of a child.

I agree you shouldn't have to say anything about dressing appropriately but you do have experience of this family not doing before. Sounds like you won't be taking them out again though so no need to worry about next time.

I'm a little at the person on here who wouldn't tell another parent about her own child's ASD if they were looking after them. Why would you NOT tell them?? I would definitely want to know that I was dealing with a child with potential sensory issues and so on! If you didn't tell me, and something went on that caused a meltdown or a run-away, then that would be on YOU - but it wouldn't be, because I would be the one in loco parentis at the time. Why on earth would you risk that??

I generally let my kids take or wear what they want and take the consequences of their actions. That has succeeded with this child, who has learned that if they don't take a coat and then moan, you won't take them to the activity. I have been known to point this out bluntly to kids in my care who aren't behaving as I would like: "You're making me sorry I brought you" or "I don't enjoy having you along when you behave this way. I'm not sure I'll want to bring you again."

Perhaps the child didn't actually want to go? Not your problem to figure that one out, of course.

Totally agree with your approach. I have one of these children, similar age who wants to go out in short and a t shirt in sub zero temperatures!

I'm all for learning a lesson but my god, the moaning. So I bully said child into appropriate clothing because I know what the fallout will be. DH on the other hand trusts the child who he knows will be like this and then gets cross at the inevitable whinge.

Give the mum the money back and don’t take her out again. That can be mum & child’s new life lesson.