DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

[NOTabrat]

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

Probably would be helpful to know what DS's behaviour is like to cause DH to say that?

Sounds like he’s being dramatic, but also it’s hard to say whether you are spoiling him. It doesn’t do children any favours to be the ones in control.

However it’s possible your DH is just being ridiculous! Hard for us to say.

3 year olds can defo be spoilt. But doesn’t mean they’ll be a bully and druggie!!

Not nice to call him a brat but there can certainly be behaviours at 3 that need working on and it's important to recognise them.

It depends what the behaviour that's prompted this.

Wanting to have extra cuddles at bedtime, probably unreasonable of DH.
Excusing him pushing, shoving, hitting, and giving in to every tantrum, probably reasonable to be concerned that it's reinforcing a negative pattern of behaviours.

Is he? How has your DH reached this conclusion?
It’s a bit hard to say without more info.

I probably do spoil his and let him get away with more than he should but I also think DH can be too strict. I like giving DS as much freedom and free will as possible.

He's a kind, polite and caring boy. Very loving. He does like pushing boundaries, however. But I thought this was the norm for the age. Must add he isn't actually three yet, almost!

Why does he think DS is spoiled?

As above need to know the behaviour that is concerning dh to say if he is unreasonable. He is definitely being dramatic, but possibly has a point.

No its not ridiculous if he has a point but you can't tell from your post. Spoilt children do grow up thinking the world owes them a living.

Boundary pushing is normal
But they are supposed to find boundaries.

I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible

Hmmmm based on this vague statement so far I’m with your Dh!

It's difficult to say. If you give into him whenever he has a tantrum then you aren't doing him any favours.

@LolaSmiles

It depends what the behaviour that's prompted this.

Wanting to have extra cuddles at bedtime, probably unreasonable of DH.
Excusing him pushing, shoving, hitting, and giving in to every tantrum, probably reasonable to be concerned that it's reinforcing a negative pattern of behaviours.

Yeah, it's more like being a bit naughty at bed time because he wants Mummy to stay with him. He doesn't hit, push, kick, bite, etc.

He sometimes gets angry and might throw something, like his drink, but he's never physical with people. Sometimes he shouts.

He gets upset when he has to leave the park for example and will kick out, scream, cry and demand to go back.

We'll give him a few chocolate buttons after dinner, as an example, then he'll go and get his step stool and help himself to more out of the kitchen cupboard even when told no.

Stuff like that mostly.

Is your DH usually such a drama llama?

Even if it was true it's his fault too - why hasn't he being a more involved parent to ensure your son isn't a spoilt brat? He can't lay back, do fuck all while you do all the parenting and then complain it's not to his preferred style. You're not an employee.

I think you and DH should talk properly and try to align your parenting styles a bit more. When you say 'as much freedom and free will as possible', what do you mean? Letting him choose his clothes of a morning, or game he wants to play is one thing but what specifically does your husband think you do wrong? And in what way is he too strict?

Judging by the brief overview you’ve given I’m with dh on this one......

Completely cross posted there.

You're being very vague, I'm guessing because if you said why your husband feels this way everyone would agree with him.

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.

Based on your update I'm with your DH. Throwing things and disobeying when told no was not tolerated in my house. Children only push boundaries like that when you allow them to, mine never acted like that because I didn't allow it.

This ^

Based on your most recent post, I don't think your husband is unreasonable. Those are unacceptable behaviours and need to be dealt with. He shouldn't be getting away with throwing his drink and eating more buttons when he's been told no.

Your husband may have a point

Are you really helping your child by teaching them that no can be tantrummed into yes? How do you think that will go down in nursery, school, playdates?

When he screams to go back to the park .. do you?

My DH was like this with my DSS when we first got together and it drove me batty. DSS was spoiled. And it was reflected in his behavior. A few years down the line and some more parenting with clear boundaries and DSS is quite lovely.