Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:28

@Frezia

https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/effective-limits

You can still be a gentle and empathetic parent and set effective boundaries. Think about it this way, when you give in to his crying and tantruming because you can't cope with his negative feelings, you're sending him a message that negative feelings cannot be tolerated. People like that often grow up unable to manage their anger, sadness or disappointment (feelings everyone has from time to time) and express them in healthy ways.

If you instead show him that you can deal with his negative feelings with maturity and sympathy but that you still stand by your boundaries, you're being a great role model and really helping him with his emotional development.

See, I think it's DH that has the problem with feelings. DH will shout at him and tell him no, for example. DS will naturally cry about it because it's made him sad and angry. I will then comfort him and tell him it's okay to be upset and cry. Whereas, DH would just shout at him more and tell him to stop whinging and crying. And I think that invalidates his feelings and makes him feel like he isn't allowed to express his sadness and upset.
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:28

@NOTabrat maybe it's the excitement of the long weekend but there are some grade A cunts on this thread trying to beat you down. Don't listen to them. You sound very caring and loving and you are raising a perfectly normal 3yo. Your DH sounds judgmental and if he's so bothered about your son being spoilt tell him to chip in with parenting moreZ

EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 03/05/2021 20:28

Visualise the same behaviour at 5/8/10 years old. If you'd find it unacceptable then it's unacceptable now. Children respond best to consistent boundaries. You are his safe space. He knows you love him even when you tell him off.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/05/2021 20:29

Your DS does not sound like a spoiled brat.

Smoking, taking drugs, and becoming the school bully? Sheesh.

Is your DH often so overdramatic?

OverTheRainbow88 · 03/05/2021 20:30

@BetterKateThanNever

You can’t spoil a baby, but you can defo spoil a child.

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2021 20:30

BetterKateThanNever
But you can teach them that if they (insert behaviour here) then (insert outcome here).

So a child can easily learn that if they want a particular outcome then they do A B C and mummy will give in, and in turn learn that if daddy says no, run to mummy and turn the water works on and you'll get what you want.

There's no unity between the OP and her DH. How is a toddler meant to learn what is acceptable and not in their house if one parent says one thing and the other contradicts them?

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:30

@Terminallysleepdeprived

He's not even 3 he doesn't understand "that's not acceptable" he needs a consequence that is age relatable imo ie being removed from the garden for a few minutes
I did have to do this a few weeks ago. He wasn't listening when I told him off about being horrible to his brother so I removed him from the situation, took him inside and wouldn't let him back out until he had apologised.
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:30

@JudgeJ

Is your DH usually such a drama llama?

He sounds to care more about their son's future that his wife does!

Oh I'm sorry @JudgeJ I missed the part where the OP's DH signed their son up for Eton, bought him a house and invested in stocks in his name.

Why be so nasty to the OP? Genuinely want to know, I like to try and get inside the minds of bullies you see

gingganggooleywotsit · 03/05/2021 20:30

Your son sounds normal. Your dH is being ridiculous talking about a 3 year old like that

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:31

Visualise the same behaviour at 5/8/10 years old. If you'd find it unacceptable then it's unacceptable now

@EbbandTheWanderingHearts you hold a 3yo to the same expectations as a 10yo? Really? Why?

VettiyaIruken · 03/05/2021 20:31

@NOTabrat

DH says I shouldn't hug him when he's been naughty. But, I can't help it. He'll be naughty, he'll get told off, then we have a cuddle and move on. DH says I shouldn't do that as I'm validating his behaviour.
Imo he's wrong there. It's perfectly fine to tell off a child for their behaviour then draw a line under it.
Coldwine75 · 03/05/2021 20:31

Omg one of those ones, free will and hugging when they kick off, im with your dh

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 20:32

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Shock horror, a 3yo likes chocolate.

Stop the press, - 3yo doesn't like leaving the park and vocalises this

Call the village elders - a woman cuddles her distressed child.

Some of you lot are fucking horrible with your PA snips at the OP asking if it's a wind up and telling her she is destined to destroy her son.

OP, listen to me, someone who actually works with children...
Give him the buttons. A wee pack of buttons a night won't make him obese. As long as he has a balanced diet it's fine. The children I teach who were restricted for food at home are the ones who either have some semblance of an eating disorder, a food complex or who spend all their lunch money at the corner shop on monster munch and Cadbury's buttons.

Your child is 3 and when he's upset he wants cuddles. Even if he's done something he shouldn't have, to deny a small child cuddles because of some perceived "naughty" act is cruel.

Loads of kids scream when they leave the park. It's not a big deal or indicative of poor/indulgent parenting. It's indicative of your child being a human being

I totally agree with this. Also withholding affection to punish a child is shitty parenting.
Coldwine75 · 03/05/2021 20:32

If he gets his stool to help himself to more chocolate he is on time house if it were my house .

sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 20:33

Someone posted that OP doesn't care about her son't future Shock what utter, utter horseshit. That's just putting the boot in for the sake of sheer spitefulness. Not very edifying. Or useful.

OP it doesn't sound as though you're getting it badly wrong to me. You pull your child up on rude or unkind behaviour. You cuddle and comfort him when he's upset and support him to feel and process his feelings. He DOES sound high-spirited - sparky, energetic, a strong personality - which is in no way a bad thing. I have one similar (he'll be 17 in a few weeks) and he did require a lot of active management when little, but he's not been expelled from school, he doesn't smoke etc and he's pleasant, respectful etc. Your boy will get there. No need for Victorian Dad to have a fit of the vapours every time he has a toddler tantrum.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:33

@Coldwine75

Omg one of those ones, free will and hugging when they kick off, im with your dh
"One of those ones" Oh hey, piss off 🖕
OP posts:
Whosthatbehindthemask · 03/05/2021 20:33

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Is your DH usually such a drama llama?

Even if it was true it's his fault too - why hasn't he being a more involved parent to ensure your son isn't a spoilt brat? He can't lay back, do fuck all while you do all the parenting and then complain it's not to his preferred style. You're not an employee.

This, this and this.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 20:34

Sounds like there's a balance to be had. Your DH's shouting isn't the way to teach good discipline either. Maybe that's where DS is learning the shouting from!

FurrySlipperBoots · 03/05/2021 20:34

You are not doing your son any favours OP. Grow a backbone, for his sake.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:35

I totally agree with this. Also withholding affection to punish a child is shitty parenting

It really is.

All these dimwit posters and their faux shock at the OP's son being cuddled to ease his distress I imagine don't realise they're the ones raising children to be fucked up when they're older.

Travis1 · 03/05/2021 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/05/2021 20:36

Also withholding affection to punish a child is shitty parenting.

Yup.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 20:36

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I totally agree with this. Also withholding affection to punish a child is shitty parenting

It really is.

All these dimwit posters and their faux shock at the OP's son being cuddled to ease his distress I imagine don't realise they're the ones raising children to be fucked up when they're older.

I know, it’s awful how many people think three year olds only deserve tough love and punishment, like your own kid is the enemy. Horrible.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:36

Don't worry @NOTabrat these people are raising kids who'll be "one of those" adults who doesn't have a fucking clue how to form healthy relationships because their parents decided a 3yo should behave like a 10yo

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:36

So, okay, I may let him get away with minor things but NO WAY do I tolerate being unkind, violence, nastiness, or anything in the same vein. I teach him to share, be kind and thoughtful and polite. He always says please and thank you. He really is a lovely little boy. If a little bit spoiled by his Mum.

Also, if it makes a difference, DS is DHs fifth child. DS is my first and only child.

OP posts: