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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 19:54

And he will be very unpopular with his peers when he starts school if you continue to be too soft with him.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 03/05/2021 19:54

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
Yeah definitely with your DH on this one. Even when you said how your son misbehaves, you don't say that you actually tackle it. And you say that your husband is too strict, so it's not like he sits back, then complains you're not doing everything right.
OnlyInYourDreams · 03/05/2021 19:54

I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible oh dear. You’re one of those

Hoppinggreen · 03/05/2021 19:54

I wouldn’t put up with the behaviour you describe.
At 3 neither of my would have dared throw a drink or go and get something they had been specifically told no to.
They had their naughty moments but that’s a bit over the top for me.
Your DH is being dramatic but it sounds like you do need to be a bit firmer with him

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2021 19:54

Everything you've said so far makes me think your DH has a point.

However, he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs is clearly dramatic if that's what he actually said.

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2021 19:55

Based on what you've said and the descriptions I've heard from parents of badly behaved children in school, I'm inclined to think your DH is right.

Pushing at boundaries is normal, but it doesn't sound like you have any meaningful boundaries.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/05/2021 19:55

Sorry, I've got a kid the same age so I appreciate the challenges...but I agree with your H. Every time you cave in you're making it worse. Lack of boundaries is terrifying to a small child, consistency is everything.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:55

@OnlyInYourDreams

I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible oh dear. You’re one of those
Excuse me?
OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 03/05/2021 19:55

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
Well, based on this I agree with your DH
Namech8nge · 03/05/2021 19:55

He does sound spoiled from the vague examples you have given. It sounds like you are your husband need to talk about how to meld your parenting styles

Tambora · 03/05/2021 19:56

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
Oh dear.

You know he's pulling your strings, don't you?

Nohomemadecandles · 03/05/2021 19:56

The behaviour needs to be addressed really but that's down to you as parents. Labelling the kid doesn't help.
Letting him get away with it isn't giving him freedom in any meaningful way nor are you bring kind to him.

Fitforforty · 03/05/2021 19:57

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
Your not doing him any favours and if you keep this up he will struggle in nursery and school. Children need consistent boundaries to feel secure.
VettiyaIruken · 03/05/2021 19:57

Meant to say that it's better to actually think in the first place whether the answer should be a no. Does it have to be? Why is it a no? I got into a habit of saying no just unthinkingly. Taking a second to actually decide is better.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:58

@Rtmhwales

When he screams to go back to the park .. do you?

My DH was like this with my DSS when we first got together and it drove me batty. DSS was spoiled. And it was reflected in his behavior. A few years down the line and some more parenting with clear boundaries and DSS is quite lovely.

I don't give in. I carry him out the park if necessary. He'll continue to tantrum while I'm trying to strap him into the car. I put my foot down and don't tolerate it. We leave the park. He'll scream all the way home and I just ignore it.
OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 19:58

FFS don't listen to these people OP everyone gives in to their child now and again, if not because they feel bad then for an easy life. HE's three - tantrums, crying, shouting etc are all perfectly normal

Mellonsprite · 03/05/2021 19:58

Crying when leaving the park = normal 3 year old behaviour
Throwing drinks, getting more chocolate when told no = unacceptable bratty behaviour which should be stopped quickly.

YouWerePrettyIWasLonely · 03/05/2021 19:58

No one likes to see their child cry but putting in proper boundaries is a life skill you have to teach him. In my experience of a large family with plenty of nieces and nephews and my own dc that children who are taught that a few tears get you what you want do indeed turn into brats that other children don't enjoy playing with.

OnlyInYourDreams · 03/05/2021 19:59

the kind of parent who says “I let him have free will” equals no discipline.

I suspect you also think he’s just “high spirited?”

Throwing things would absolutely never have been tolerated in my house. Ever. Neither would helping themselves to things they had explicitly been told no to.

I would stop giving him chocolate buttons every evening after dinner for a start. Introduce time-outs and other consequences, and follow through.

Every time you give in you are re-enforcing that he’s free to do what he wants.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:59

DH says I shouldn't hug him when he's been naughty. But, I can't help it. He'll be naughty, he'll get told off, then we have a cuddle and move on. DH says I shouldn't do that as I'm validating his behaviour.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 03/05/2021 20:00

@OnlyInYourDreams

I like giving ds as much freedom and free will as possible oh dear. You’re one of those
Yup. Permissive parent who want their little darling to be free to express themselves and give them everything they demand. You are doing him no favours.

Please set some boundaries. Your DC should not be helping themselves to sweets from the cupboard (are you watching them get a chair and help themselves instead of saying no or stopping them?) and need to be taught that screeching will not allow them to do as they please. Throwing stuff? Erm, no. That needs to be stopped. If they do that at nursery or school they could hurt another child.

PembrokeshireDreaming · 03/05/2021 20:00

Sorry but having read your posts I am inclined to think your dh is right.
No means no and children need consistency....

Schoolissues1 · 03/05/2021 20:00

The thing to know, is that yes it is normal 3 year old behaviour to test the boundaries. That's how they learn what is right and wrong.

How will your child learn if you are not correcting his behaviour

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:01

Just to add, DS already goes to nursery and they say he's always a pleasure, never any trouble and I think sometimes they forget he's there as he's so well behaved; he just cracks on and plays and does as he's told.

OP posts:
pigglepot · 03/05/2021 20:01

OP I really don't agree with most of these posters. And I definitely don't agree with your DH. You sound like a lovely mother and your son sounds like a totally normal 3 year old to me.