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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 03/05/2021 20:01

If you fess up and say he is high spirited we will all be with your dh on this one..
The thing is your way is encouraging dh to be more strict...
You need to get on the same page or your marriage will feel the strain...
Imo..

OnlyInYourDreams · 03/05/2021 20:02

As for leaving the park, I introduced a countdown system. “We’ll be going in 5 minutes,” then 4, 3, 2, 1 and then we went.

It doesn’t have to be an actual five minutes, but a ballpark, That way you’re preparing him for the fact you will be leaving soon rather than just saying “come on then DS time to go.”

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:02

@pigglepot

OP I really don't agree with most of these posters. And I definitely don't agree with your DH. You sound like a lovely mother and your son sounds like a totally normal 3 year old to me.
This.

Wondering if half these posters have ever even met a toddler

pigglepot · 03/05/2021 20:02

@NOTabrat

DH says I shouldn't hug him when he's been naughty. But, I can't help it. He'll be naughty, he'll get told off, then we have a cuddle and move on. DH says I shouldn't do that as I'm validating his behaviour.
This sounds totally normal and fine to me!! I would do the same!
AmyLou100 · 03/05/2021 20:03

With your dh as well. You can see exactly the type of parent you are, and the type of child he is. Please take on board why everyone else is agreeing with your dh - he does sound like a brat But that's something you can change.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:03

I do tell him off and say no when he helps himself to more sweets or throws his drink. He doesn't throw very often. Just very very occasionally. But I do tell him off for it.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 20:04

What do you do when DS does things like help himself to chocolates after being told no? Do you just let him do it or do you stop him?

I don't agree with your DH about withholding cuddles.

YouWerePrettyIWasLonely · 03/05/2021 20:04

Of course he behaves in nursery. There are clear rules about behaviour and consistency.

Daphnise · 03/05/2021 20:04

Your child is a spoilt brat.

Was this OP a wind up?

Chitaufree · 03/05/2021 20:04

Your DH is right and it sounds like you’re making a rod for your own back

SnuggyBuggy · 03/05/2021 20:05

I'd move the chocolate well out of reach and have a proper discussion with your DH. There is probably a middle ground here.

babbaloushka · 03/05/2021 20:05

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

FFS don't listen to these people OP everyone gives in to their child now and again, if not because they feel bad then for an easy life. HE's three - tantrums, crying, shouting etc are all perfectly normal
Quite, and I'm yet to see a 3year old mature enough to emotionally manipulate others. They simply aren't that developed yet, and often struggle to article their feelings accurately, let alone understand another's well enough to exploit them.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/05/2021 20:06

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I have a 7 year old and have been a single parent since he was 10 months. I've always been strict with DS and he rarely had tantrums, screamed and shouted.

HyacynthBucket · 03/05/2021 20:06

You are not doing your DS any favours OP, by giving in all the time. It will make him feel unsafe and too powerful, if that makes sense - a very uncomfortable thing indeed for a child, which does not feel safe. He needs to feel that that you will be solid and consistent - this will make him feel safe and relaxed and cared for - and the same from his father too. As parents you need to be a united front.

UrsulaTee · 03/05/2021 20:06

Is he high spirited?

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:06

And by free will and freedom, what i mean is, for example, DH won't let DS into the kitchen because if he goes into the kitchen it means DH has to go our there too and supervise. I'm happy for DS to go into the kitchen when he wants too. I don't want rooms in our home to be forbidden to him and I don't mind going out there with him to supervise. I don't mind him looking through the cupboards but DH doesn't like it. If DS then takes a ice lolly out of the freezer I'll say no. So I do have boundaries. DH just wants him to sit in the living room and play with his toys.

OP posts:
Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 03/05/2021 20:07

Add me to the big list of people who are with your dh, no you shouldn’t hug him when he’s been naughty because he’s sad! What has he learned from that? If he cries mummy hugs him and moves on?! He’s not learning his behaviour has consequences at all, stop babying him. You’re doing him and you no favours here!

sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 20:07

I can't see how it's helpful for posters to keep primly saying "that behaviour wouldn't have been tolerated in my house" without any actual constructive advice Confused

What happens when he throws his drink/goes to get more buttons? If my 3yo crossed a line like that, he would be picked up and deposited on the stairs for three minutes with a calm but firm explanation of why he was there. With my more strong-willed child, at 3, this would entail silently returning him to the stairs a few times until he did his time. It's not the most imaginative consequence, but it served to mark the offence as one which broke a boundary, and he needed to feel that and associate it with the behaviour. We would have conversations - when he wasn't misbehaving - about why Mummy limits chocolate, for example, and what a pain it is to have to clear up a mess because someone has thrown a drink, so less time for going to the park etc. I would have got him to help me mop up the drink he threw as well.

I don't think your son is a spoiled brat. He's barely more than a toddler. Your OH is being unnecessarily negative and a doom-monger. What ideas does HE have to teach his son better?

pigglepot · 03/05/2021 20:07

@AmyLou100

With your dh as well. You can see exactly the type of parent you are, and the type of child he is. Please take on board why everyone else is agreeing with your dh - he does sound like a brat But that's something you can change.
This is such a nasty thing to say. What do you mean what type of parent she is?! Honestly half of mumsnet is just women enjoying bullying other women or trying to feel superior to them. She asked for opinions but not for snide comments. OP please step away from your phone now and don't look at this thread again. Honestly I don't think it sounds like there is much of an issue with your little boy and perhaps your DH was being a bit dramatic but all these random strangers don't know you and your son and you shouldn't take any of this to heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again you sound totally loving and normal and your son sounds totally normal too (from a mother who had a toddler tantrum today because my DD wasn't allowed to take a loo roll in the bath 😂)
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 20:08

I think you may be letting him away with more than you are letting on, and I would probably bet my life on the fact you're not actugibing him a proper telling off and that's why your dh is getting frustrated.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2021 20:08

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 www.amazon.co.uk/dp/184812614X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_M4Y11M3S33M4FEMNCJWN?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

peaceanddove · 03/05/2021 20:08

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
You do realise no one actually enjoys seeing their child cry, don't you? But the most important thing you can do for your child is to teach them how to be socially acceptable to their peers and other adults.
Kitkatchunkyplease · 03/05/2021 20:09

@Daphnise

Your child is a spoilt brat.

Was this OP a wind up?

Don't be hideous, she's talking about a three year old who sometimes cries when leaving the park and sometimes throws things when angry 😅
Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:10

What does high spirited even mean?

DS is an incredibly happy child. He's kind and caring. Always chatting and smiling. Never stops chatting actually. I don't find him hard work. And I don't find his behaviour bratish.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 03/05/2021 20:10

Some of that sounds like normal behaviour. However I do think it’s important you are both on the same page . So even if you both have to compromise a bit you must agree how to parent because definitely very soon you will be played against each other .

I would sit down now and agree a plan . Before it’s too late .