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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
Quincie · 04/05/2021 08:37

He's 3 - a tot, DH is wrong, or if he isn't behaving as DH wants DH should be kindly and patiently helping him change. I would look at DHs childhood - people who don't spend time with children cannot judge behaviour - they see them as much older and able to discuss, debate and understand. Poor little boy.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/05/2021 08:47

@Oblomov21

*Even a little grumble would have been shown the 'look' and a comment: I did warn you 10 minutes ago, and 5. That's it! No tantruming, no screaming.

I just wouldn't tolerate such behaviour. I think you need a massive re-think, of your parenting style.*

I think you're the one who has to think their parenting style if you think even a grumble from a child should be met with 'the look' and a comment. You're child will most likely do as he is told but still feel the same so essentially you're teaching him how to internalise it. Basically you're punishing him for expressing himself.

I'm not saying children should be allowed to do as they please as boundaries are important. I would validate his feelings and say screaming is not allowed. My child is certainly allowed a little grumble without me stepping in like the gestapoo.

I think you need to do some research and then reflect on your own patently style. I suggest the Motherkind podcast and she does recommend some books too (which have an evidence base).

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 09:06

Cheers Bumblebee, Hmm but I don't agree with internalising either. Fortunately my 2 ds's who are late teens don't internalise and we discuss all emotions. But thanks anyway.

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 09:09

And. For your information 'how to talk' book which is a very good book, also suggests reminding said toddler that they were warned 5 minutes ago, and 10 minutes ago, that they were leaving the park for example.

And if you choose to criticise that technique from such a recommended book, that that is your choice.

Bumblebee1980a · 04/05/2021 09:17

*And. For your information 'how to talk' book which is a very good book, also suggests reminding said toddler that they were warned 5 minutes ago, and 10 minutes ago, that they were leaving the park for example.

And if you choose to criticise that technique from such a recommended book, that that is your choice*.

I didn't criticise that. I give my child warnings re time too.

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 09:20

Also I disagree completely with Rainbow. I agree with Ouch that pushing the boundaries and testing, is completely normal for a 3 year old.

I completely disagree with Rainbow. I don't think it's normal to scream for 30 minutes. And I don't think it's normal to have a tantrum over "every single thing" like her friends dd.

This shows frustration. And being 3 is a very frustrating time. But that needs to be looked at, thought about. Instead of allowing 30 minutes of screaming which is just not ok, it's not ok behaviour, and actually can be very detrimental for the child themselves. More than a very very occasional tantrum needs thinking about. What is the source of the frustration? How can it be placated? To give the child more choices, maybe in other areas? Or to teach the child that sometimes we all have to just do things that we don't particularly want to. Or a variety of other ways of dealing with it.

Branleuse · 04/05/2021 09:41

I honestly dont understand either 1. How you can say its not normal to scream for 30 minutes at 3 years old, when id say that whilst its upsetting, it is within the range of normal, even if on the annoying side of normal very young child behaviour. and 2. What on earth people who say they wouldnt allow it or tolerate it even mean? What do you do? Muffle them? Smother them?
Especially when many of these people are also saying you shouldnt go to them or comfort them when theyre upset either. Do you have a magic trick?

Also saying its not normal, are you saying its a SEN issue?

Most tantrumming toddlers turn out fine dont they? I didnt think there was a massive correlation between tantrumming toddlers and future delinquency, if any?

Branleuse · 04/05/2021 10:06

Kids can be highly strung and challenging without it being a parenting failure. Especially at 3years old fgs

Bumblebee1980a · 04/05/2021 10:28

I am thinking that @Oblomov21 might be saying that if screaming happens consistently for a long time, then the source of their frustration should be looked at.

One reason might be a speech delay (this was my child). Another might be a lack of control so do you give them choices when you can. Are you bickering with your partner more than usual etc etc

There are times when my DS has tantrums and whilst I don't stop them (unless their kicking, screaming or throwing) I support them and try and see a pattern or if anything could have upset him.

I'm still learning as we all are. Some days I think I get it and then he puts me back in my place 🤣🤣🤣

Bumblebee1980a · 04/05/2021 10:30

He is (not their)

And support him

🙄

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 12:37

I was only referring to a specific post.

1/2 an hour is a REALLY long time. That is a long time, for any child. That's not good. For them!

Tantruming many many times per day, "over every single thing" is not good either. For the child.

As parents we can at least try to examine such Frustrations.

Bambam2019 · 04/05/2021 12:55

Id say the behaviour is normal for his age, but it isn’t normal at 5, 6 years old, and it will carry into that age unless he has clear consistent boundaries now.
Of course he is going to test those boundaries, maybe even a few times, but it’s about consistency and meaning ‘no’ when it is said.
If you want to let him do something, let him, don’t say “no” and then change your mind, because that is how he will learn that no can mean yes if he is determined enough.
You’re not a bad parent of course, even though they’re little sometimes it’s just ‘anything for an easier life’ isn’t it!!
But if you don’t fight the smaller battles now you’re going to have a harder time fighting the bigger ones when he’s older!

Original poster
NOTabrat · 04/05/2021 18:00

@Oblomov21

I was only referring to a specific post.

1/2 an hour is a REALLY long time. That is a long time, for any child. That's not good. For them!

Tantruming many many times per day, "over every single thing" is not good either. For the child.

As parents we can at least try to examine such Frustrations.

He's never had a tantrum for that long.
OP posts:
DustCentral · 04/05/2021 18:05

Yeah you give in to him by your own admission. Im with your DH here I’m afraid.

If 3 is too young to tackle it in your opinion, when will you? 5? 10? The later you leave it the harder it gets. And irreversible comes sooner than you’d think.

DustCentral · 04/05/2021 18:07

BTW don’t teach a child that No might mean yes if he pushes hard enough. So much can go wrong if they don’t understand no means no.

Oblomov21 · 04/05/2021 22:05

I wasn't referring to OP re the 1/2 hour tantrum.

ScrollingLeaves · 05/05/2021 00:45

“MissingTheMoonlight

I'd recommend you both read "Toddler Training" by Dr Christopher Green.”

It is a horrible book in my opinion.
And something about it’s title speaks for itself.

theloraxspeaks · 05/05/2021 03:06

@NOTabrat your dc won't be happy without things being predictable. Giving in because he screams/cries/shouts/tantrums isn't really ideal or using teachable moments. For sure, connected parenting, not everything needs to be naughty etc, your dc deserves understanding, but not scream and get his way. Ultimately it's also unfair on your dc.

LittleBookOfKalms · 05/05/2021 03:34

Why are most people being so horrible to the op here, but failing to criticise the DH who shouts at a not quite three year oldConfused

Also astonished at people saying her DS shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen or take food. My twins are a similar age and help themselves from the fruit bowl etc. all the time. It's their house too, why should they have to ask before they eat an apple?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 05/05/2021 08:39

In some houses you ask before taking stuff (even fruit) because you buy exactly what you plan to use. In my house there isn't free access to fruit because it might be needed for a recipe or another family member might need it for their packed lunch or food tech lesson the next day and a visit to the supermarket before school is annoying.

ddl1 · 05/05/2021 09:06

In any case, there seem to be two different issues involved:

(1) Is the child being spoiled? I think that's almost impossible to answer without knowing the situation better.

(2) (Even assuming that the answer to the first is Yes): Does this mean that he's going to be a bully, troublemaker, and drug user later on? The answer is almost certainly No. Especially as he is not physically aggressive now.

So the dh may or may not be reasonable about the child being spoiled. But he is almost certainly unreasonable about it leading to these sort of extreme consequences later on.

Holly60 · 05/05/2021 09:53

Sounds like your DH was the one having a tantrum ....

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2021 12:18

@NOTabrat

I do tell him off and say no when he helps himself to more sweets or throws his drink. He doesn't throw very often. Just very very occasionally. But I do tell him off for it.
Do you take them away?

And have you thought of moving them out of reach?

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2021 12:20

@LittleBookOfKalms

Why are most people being so horrible to the op here, but failing to criticise the DH who shouts at a not quite three year oldConfused

Also astonished at people saying her DS shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen or take food. My twins are a similar age and help themselves from the fruit bowl etc. all the time. It's their house too, why should they have to ask before they eat an apple?

Because some children will eat all day if allowed. Or help themselves to things earmarked or for someone else. Or do if just before a meal

Asking permission is not unusual

SnuggyBuggy · 05/05/2021 12:53

Also a lot would just mess around with the food and play with it rather than eating it

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