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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said DS is becoming a spoiled brat.

404 replies

NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 19:42

DH has tonight said our three year old is turning into a spoiled brat. Apparently, it's my fault because I let him get his own way. He even went as far as to say if we don't rein it in now he'll end up being the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs. AIBU to think it's bloody ridiculous to talk about a three year old like this?

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:10

Shock horror, a 3yo likes chocolate.

Stop the press, - 3yo doesn't like leaving the park and vocalises this

Call the village elders - a woman cuddles her distressed child.

Some of you lot are fucking horrible with your PA snips at the OP asking if it's a wind up and telling her she is destined to destroy her son.

OP, listen to me, someone who actually works with children...
Give him the buttons. A wee pack of buttons a night won't make him obese. As long as he has a balanced diet it's fine. The children I teach who were restricted for food at home are the ones who either have some semblance of an eating disorder, a food complex or who spend all their lunch money at the corner shop on monster munch and Cadbury's buttons.

Your child is 3 and when he's upset he wants cuddles. Even if he's done something he shouldn't have, to deny a small child cuddles because of some perceived "naughty" act is cruel.

Loads of kids scream when they leave the park. It's not a big deal or indicative of poor/indulgent parenting. It's indicative of your child being a human being

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:11

And massive LOL to the poster who thinks that the child behaving at nursery is nothing to be pleased about. Pathetic

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 20:12

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
This is a problem
Misskittycat16 · 03/05/2021 20:12

I have a 3 year old and all that you describe sounds very familiar.. I have boundaries in place but isn't a lot of this behaviour just them testing the boundaries and pretty normal 3 year old stuff 🤷🏻‍♀️
We must both have spoilt brats 😬

OverTheRainbow88 · 03/05/2021 20:13

Give him the buttons. A wee pack of buttons a night won't make him obese. As long as he has a balanced diet it's fine. The children I teach who were restricted for food at home are the ones who either have some semblance of an eating disorder, a food complex or who spend all their lunch money at the corner shop on monster munch and Cadbury's buttons.

That’s still restricting by giving one packet, which most sensible people do. If I didn’t restrict to one packet my kids would eat 10 packets!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 20:14

@OverTheRainbow88 I (very obviously) meant completely restricting any treats, not restricting the quantity of treats.

emilyfrost · 03/05/2021 20:15

@NOTabrat

I confess that sometimes if he cries because he wants something I've said no to, I hate seeing him cry, so I do give in.
Then YABVU and you are spoiling him.

You don’t give in for an easy life, you need to teach your child they can’t always have everything they want.

By giving in when he cries you’re teaching him to be a problem child to get exactly what he wants. You’re rewarding his bad behaviour.

Step up and be responsible.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 03/05/2021 20:16

I agree with your husband. The child will be running rings around you in a few more years

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/05/2021 20:16

I think your dh worded it badly but I do see his point. Your parenting style is very like my sisters. We are NC because of it. She allows her kids to do whatever they like without consequences. Her dd threw herself off my dd's trampoline because she wasn't getting her own way over taking turns (she didn't want to give dd a turn) and according to sister that was my fault for not having a working zip. Her son bea the shit out of me and after repeatedly asking him not to hit me I sternly said no and got the bollocking of my life off her for daring to tell her precious cherub no.

Deal with his behaviour and set boundaries before you end up being the parent who's on here complaining that no one invites your ds to parties because he is the bully at school.

3AndStopping · 03/05/2021 20:16

Sounds like a totally normal toddler. I have 2... I’m not a strict mum but definitely not a push over either, they’ve done all the ‘naughty’ things your son has & the rest...

Ignore PPs, they even don’t have toddlers or have forgotten what little twats they can be Grin

Lou98 · 03/05/2021 20:16

To be honest I think there's compromise needed on both sides - your DH sounds like he may be too strict in his views but equally you sound like you're too soft with him. I think you need to have a discussion about discipline and expectations and be on the same page about it. It can't be nice for your husband always being the bad guy if you're giving in to tantrums but deciding that he'll be a bully and drug user because of that is also ridiculous on his part

You both need to work as a team

asprinklingofsugar · 03/05/2021 20:17

I’m not sure based on the info given here if your son is a spoiled brat. But it’s definitely possible to tell at that age if they will be one in future - we all thought that about my cousin when she was little and a decade on she is certainly a spoiled brat. I’m talking being given an iPhone four weeks before Christmas because “she wanted it now”, so she then got another expensive gift at Christmas as they couldn’t not get her a big present 🙄 also spending nearly £3000 on a puppy because she liked the idea of one only to give it away a week after they got it because it was more work than they expected and “she wasn’t really interested.” She also quit multiple activities like sports, and brownies because she didn’t like being told what to do. And obviously the parents are partly to blame for indulging her, not thinking things through or nipping her behaviour in the bud. But the result is that she now expects to get her way, receive expensive gifts, and just generally do as she likes. And she does get sulky and fussy if this doesn’t happen. I’m not saying she’s a bully or will do drugs but I can’t imagine what her friends parents must think of her! And like I said most of the family predicted this behaviour when she was the age your son is now

sadpapercourtesan · 03/05/2021 20:19

I don't know many parents who haven't had to stride grimly out of a playground with a howling, thrashing toddler tucked under one arm. It's a rite of passage, isn't it?

I hope you're reading these comments with a critical eye, OP. There are some MNers who will tell you you're spoiling him rotten unless you beat him soundly every Saturday. And then stuff him up a chimney.

Frezia · 03/05/2021 20:19

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/effective-limits

You can still be a gentle and empathetic parent and set effective boundaries. Think about it this way, when you give in to his crying and tantruming because you can't cope with his negative feelings, you're sending him a message that negative feelings cannot be tolerated. People like that often grow up unable to manage their anger, sadness or disappointment (feelings everyone has from time to time) and express them in healthy ways.

If you instead show him that you can deal with his negative feelings with maturity and sympathy but that you still stand by your boundaries, you're being a great role model and really helping him with his emotional development.

ddl1 · 03/05/2021 20:22

I said YANBU because I think that it is fairly outrageous for your dh to make these predictions that your son will become 'the bully at school who gets expelled, smokes and takes drugs'. However, I do think that throwing things needs to be firmly discouraged before he does some real damage, or makes himself very unpopular with other people.

JudgeJ · 03/05/2021 20:22

Is your DH usually such a drama llama?

He sounds to care more about their son's future that his wife does!

londongram · 03/05/2021 20:22

I really hate the term spoiled brat. Make a rule OP and stick with it - or your child learns that screaming and crying and acting up gets results with you. Nothing wrong with saying no - it doesn't do them any harm and nothing wrong with giving them a cuddle to console them if they feel miserable - it just shouldn't affect your decision. I think your kid sounds normal as do you - but maybe firm up your boundaries and keep loving your kid.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:23

I don't ever allow him to hit or be violent and he never is. Ever. Sometimes, he can be a bit bossy with his older siblings and I tell him firmly and make it known that this is unacceptable, that he needs to be nice and share, etc. For example, we were in the garden earlier today and his older brother came outside, he's 15 for context, and DS started shouting at him and telling him to go back inside, he wasn't allowed in the garden, etc. I told him off for this and made him apologise and explained that it wasn't up to him to decide who could and couldn't come in the garden, etc.

OP posts:
Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 03/05/2021 20:24

He's a pleasure at nursery because he understands the boundaries.
I think you and your husband need to decide between you how to deal with this.
Your son needs to have definite boundaries not different ones depending on who he's with.
I'm sorry to say though I agree more so with your husband.

I'm sure your son will be fine Op but for his own good work it out between you so he knows where he stands before he's older and uses it as a way to play you and your husband against each other. A united front is what's needed.

Original poster
NOTabrat · 03/05/2021 20:24

@JudgeJ

Is your DH usually such a drama llama?

He sounds to care more about their son's future that his wife does!

I find this really offensive. I care about nothing more than my son's future. Probably way more than DH does.
OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 03/05/2021 20:25

@3AndStopping

Sounds like a totally normal toddler. I have 2... I’m not a strict mum but definitely not a push over either, they’ve done all the ‘naughty’ things your son has & the rest...

Ignore PPs, they even don’t have toddlers or have forgotten what little twats they can be Grin

Or. We have been there, done that, got the t-shirt, learned from our mistakes and raised children for more than 2 or 3 years. It's quite arrogant to say I have toddlers, I have all the answers, ignore other posters opinions.
Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/05/2021 20:25

He's not even 3 he doesn't understand "that's not acceptable" he needs a consequence that is age relatable imo ie being removed from the garden for a few minutes

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/05/2021 20:26

Cuddles to remind still loved after a telling off?

Fine and Proper

Unable to cope with him crying so give in every time?

Bringing up a future coddled and spoiled nightmare

SionnachRua · 03/05/2021 20:26

He doesn't sound like a brat but he does sound like a child with an overly permissive mother. Any kid is going to act up and you have to be prepared to teach them boundaries. I'm on Team DH personally.

BetterKateThanNever · 03/05/2021 20:27

You can't spoil children. 3 year olds don't even understand how to show genuine gratitude so therefore, cannot be spoilt.