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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil takes comforting dino out of DD(2yo) hands to give to a 5yo boy who had just punched dd

209 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 03/05/2021 17:54

We were at my in-laws, who empty every toy box they have for the 3kids (Dd, her great uncles 5yo son and 2yo daughter) to play with in a spare room.
Dd enjoys holding teddies, she found 1 soft toy - a dino and held on to it for most the evening.
(I had left Dd at in-laws for first time alone that morning for 30 mins, while I had a blood test. We stayed there for most the morning and got invited to this bday meal for the evening. I think she had the dino then too)
The 5yo boy is spoilt and gets away with a lot, even hitting his sister and so obviously we keep a close eye on our dd.

It got very late and the girls were settling down but the boy was agitated. He punched Dd who defended herself 'don't punch me, I don't like it' she said. Btw he was not told off for that. Then dd snuggled up to sil with the dino. Continuing with his mission of snatching anything she has he snuck up behind them and tried to take it. Dd didn't let him take it but sil pulled it out her hands! I told Sil to return it, she started screaming at me, eventually said 'no-one can have it' and thrust it under her. She tried to distract Dd with her mobile when dd asked for the dino back.

Fil added he's the first boy in the family since my youngest son(26yo) and that kids forget quickly.
Rest of in-laws, who were all watching(boys parents,my mil,fil,2 other sils, bil and their 2 aunties) seem pissed off at me. Obviously DD asked for the dino, they all pretended not to hear her.

5 mins later sil took the dino to the boy into the spare room, where apparently he was given the entire birthday cake to compensate for not getting his way. But he still lashed out kicking punching screaming when his dad tried to stop him completely ruining the cake.

Am I really in the wrong here? Shouldn't she have explained not to snatch and to ask if he can have a turn now. Instead of screaming at me!

Dd did not forget, for 2 weeks in her sleep she would ask for the dino back.
We finally revisited them after delaying many invites. This time it was only us visiting (odd), all the toys were hidden away (also odd), when dd asked for the dino she was told that's not yours.

It seems teaching children how to share and take turns it's out the window and punishing their only grandchild/niece for not giving in to a boys will it the next step forward.

I was incredibly mad, I wanted to buy the same dino for her myself. Would it be so bad if I did?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 15:55

@aSofaNearYou

Thats why I said an odd comment. The timing was both as the toy was being removed but also as the boy was playing up. So it could equally mean that the FIL thinks girls are better behaved than boys and they had forgotten that boys were more of a handful (not my opion or experience) but FIL certainly wouldn't be the only one to think like that. And as MIL had said neither could have it if they couldn't share then it wouldn't necessarily indicate a favourite

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2021 16:12

[quote sweeneytoddsrazor]@aSofaNearYou

Thats why I said an odd comment. The timing was both as the toy was being removed but also as the boy was playing up. So it could equally mean that the FIL thinks girls are better behaved than boys and they had forgotten that boys were more of a handful (not my opion or experience) but FIL certainly wouldn't be the only one to think like that. And as MIL had said neither could have it if they couldn't share then it wouldn't necessarily indicate a favourite[/quote]
Letting boys get away with things you wouldn't let girls get away with is just another way of favouring boys.

The OP in this case is somewhat hard to decipher and it would be good to have more clarification on why he said this, but I don't think it's a good sign, especially along with them ignoring his violence and rewarding him later.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 16:24

Totally agree you shouldn't let boys get away with anything you wouldn't let girls get away with, but again as it was a boy playing up difficult to tell what was meant.
I have to say I would not be happy if someone said my 5 year old was greedy because they tried to take a toy from someone who had been holding it all day. It sounds like the boys parents are not good at dealing with his tantrums, it also sounds like a lot of young children have had far to long a day, and got very overtired. Part of being a good parent is knowing when it's time to go home to bed.

IamaBluebird · 04/05/2021 16:32

@aSofaNearYou
If a child is spoilt or aggressive then they need help to change their behaviour, I agree with you.
I still maintain that people calling a 5 year old a criminal etc is in no way helpful.

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2021 16:48

Crikey what a lot of drama. You could have easily lifted dd and distracted her. Telling dd that another child is greedy in a patronising loud parent way probably did have everyone glaring evils at you.

Bibidy · 04/05/2021 16:54

@99victoria

To be honest I think you all sound a bit overdramatic! Why are you all screaming at each other over a soft toy?
I agree with this tbh, sorry.

Sounds like could have been handled far better by SIL and the boy's parents, but equally the dino wasn't actually your DD's toy so maybe you could also have helped out in asking her to let him have a turn when you first noticed he was interested in it as well.

As it's a toy a the grandparent's house, maybe it's something the 5yo had also taken a shine to in the past. I don't think it was fair to call him greedy when your DD had actually had the toy all day.

Not excusing his poor behaviour but equally think the adults got a bit out of control here.

MzHz · 04/05/2021 18:33

What does Dino look like?

I think your in laws are really bloody mean

I’d be thinking long and hard about going back there again, I think I’d be very busy for quite some time to come.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2021 18:43

To be honest I think you all sound a bit overdramatic! Why are you all screaming at each other over a soft toy?

Very much so. Certainly the cousin should not have been given the toy after snatching it. But nor should you have made a big deal of it. Nor do I believe that a 2 year old was sadly ruminating for weeks on a soft toy that wasn't even hers, unless she was encouraged to do so.

The day was obviously too long for all concerned, and it would be better for everyone to get their DC home and into bed before they inevitably turn savage.

1WayOrAnother2 · 04/05/2021 18:50

@Startingagainperson I think you might have been distracted by the dramatic description. You are quite right that a 'punch' in normal terms would be a very serious matter indeed.

However, since the child was apparently unharmed in any way and a roomful of adults (including the punched child's loving and concerned mother) did not react to the 'punch' I thought it safe not to take the term too seriously.

The focus of the drama was on who should have the dino.

wildeverose · 04/05/2021 18:51

@99victoria

To be honest I think you all sound a bit overdramatic! Why are you all screaming at each other over a soft toy?
Agree. Also can't see a 2 yo crying out for a soft toy that didn't even belong to her for 2 weeks after the incident. It's all very dramatic.
Seeline · 04/05/2021 18:53

I think it was the SIL who snatched the toy, not the 5yo boy.

SaturdayRocks · 04/05/2021 19:11

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall, as I feel as though we’re being presented with a very rose-tinted version of events. Of course your DD never tantrums, whereas the 5YO boy regular does, for example.

It’s still not clear who the dinosaur toy actually belongs to.

And it seems as if your DD had spent her entire time there playing with it, and not sharing.

SIL clearly handled it very badly - embarrassingly so. But I do wonder how the chain of events leading up to the explosion might have been described by others there.

OP - if you feel that these family members are hard work, then reduce contact. But it also helps to maybe have a bit of self-reflection as well. Your DD needs to be encouraged to share as much as the next child - by you, since she’s too young to realise. Flowers

logithio · 04/05/2021 19:40

MIL wanted to put dino away for a bit, not give to the birthday boy, so I think making this about male privilege is slightly bonkers.

And given that it was OP and SIL who had a shouty stand off over the cuddly toy, people saying it was the 5 year old who was obviously badly behaved/spoilt/entitled is somewhat astonishing

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 04/05/2021 19:47

This is all such strange behaviour from adults Confused in your OP it reads (to me) that you're not a fan of this 5 year old and that may have affected your judgment here. I would imagine you calling a child names in front of everyone is what made everyone so mad at you. That really should have been an inside thought.

I'm also not sure why you would consider a 5 yo wanting a turn of a toy that your dd had had all day greedy. The toy belonged to neither of them so tge adults should have facilitated sharing. If your dd took a liking to a toy at a friend's house or at the park you would surely explain it didn't belong to her and she would have to take turns, not sure why you didn't do that here.

Weird behaviour. Although i think i would quite like an invite to the next event Grin it's been a slow year 🙃

logithio · 04/05/2021 20:01

Calling a 5 year old "greedy" like that is pretty poor, OP.

In all seriousness many parents go through the stage of being outraged at 4 and 5 year olds' behaviour towards their PFB 2 year old, I did too...but, honestly, your dd will probably have her moments when she is 5 too.

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 22:26

Btw dd may have seen the toy in the morning, she was there for about an hour. When we returned in the evening we were the last ones in and left after 2 hours. So she didn't have it all day.

I didn't see the punch, I heard dd tell him off and walk towards her dad, and he hide between his parents.

I must have missed things but I can't take anymore, he should not be allowed to hit the younger ones, or spit on them or run off with toys they are playing with or take their toys and hold them out of their reach while he laughs at them. This is not cute. His parents shouldnt call my dd naughty or a bully, nor constantly snatch things from her to pacify their kids.

Obviously we not seen them in a year, much of the above happened before she was 1 and recent contact reminds me how glad I was of lockdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 22:31

I'm sorry if this seems biased etc, but it's been a fantastic vent and your thoughts/opinions have put things into perspective.

OP posts:
3Britnee · 04/05/2021 22:50

Dd did not forget, for 2 weeks in her sleep she would ask for the dino back

Did she, really, op?

But over-egging aside, I'd go very low contact and grey rock them. Fuck them and their bad manners and attitude.

KevinTheGoat · 04/05/2021 23:24

@PurpleWh1teGreen

I’m sorry the little boy wasn’t reigned in, but I’m going against the grain and say don’t buy your DD a replacement toy. It’s the old saying, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I would be worried that buying the thing she was upset to have taken off her would end up being a bad lesson that could come back and bite.

You’ve already taught her resilience if she can stand up for herself. That’s worth more in the long run.

Bingo!
Startingagainperson · 05/05/2021 00:08

The kid will just punch and bully her again - so any contact will be detrimental to her.

Moonwhite · 05/05/2021 01:38

I’m sorry the little boy wasn’t reigned in, but I’m going against the grain and say don’t buy your DD a replacement toy. It’s the old saying, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I would be worried that buying the thing she was upset to have taken off her would end up being a bad lesson that could come back and bite.

But there is no second wrong... Her DD was really attached to that toy and liked it a lot, why should she not buy her one just because some of her family happen to be shits?

Seeline · 05/05/2021 07:29

OP - your story changes every time you post.

You initially said you were there all morning and evening. DD had the Dino in the morning and all evening.

Now you are saying you didn't even see the 'punch'!

And most of this happened a year ago! Time to let this drop, accept that no kid is an angel all the time, everyone parents differently.

All you can do is bring your DD up the way you want. But even then, believe me there will be times when her behaviour will make you want to hide with embarrassment!

Allwokedup · 05/05/2021 08:17

@UmmMaryam2019 so your one year old managed to say “please don’t punch me, I don’t like it”?

theweebabydonkey · 05/05/2021 08:52

Teach your daughter to share. It wasn't her Dino.

nanbread · 05/05/2021 09:01

@theweebabydonkey

Teach your daughter to share. It wasn't her Dino.
Missed the point much?

How is snatching a toy off a 2 yo going to help her to share.

Sharing is also NOT just giving people whatever they want when they demand it either.