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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil takes comforting dino out of DD(2yo) hands to give to a 5yo boy who had just punched dd

209 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 03/05/2021 17:54

We were at my in-laws, who empty every toy box they have for the 3kids (Dd, her great uncles 5yo son and 2yo daughter) to play with in a spare room.
Dd enjoys holding teddies, she found 1 soft toy - a dino and held on to it for most the evening.
(I had left Dd at in-laws for first time alone that morning for 30 mins, while I had a blood test. We stayed there for most the morning and got invited to this bday meal for the evening. I think she had the dino then too)
The 5yo boy is spoilt and gets away with a lot, even hitting his sister and so obviously we keep a close eye on our dd.

It got very late and the girls were settling down but the boy was agitated. He punched Dd who defended herself 'don't punch me, I don't like it' she said. Btw he was not told off for that. Then dd snuggled up to sil with the dino. Continuing with his mission of snatching anything she has he snuck up behind them and tried to take it. Dd didn't let him take it but sil pulled it out her hands! I told Sil to return it, she started screaming at me, eventually said 'no-one can have it' and thrust it under her. She tried to distract Dd with her mobile when dd asked for the dino back.

Fil added he's the first boy in the family since my youngest son(26yo) and that kids forget quickly.
Rest of in-laws, who were all watching(boys parents,my mil,fil,2 other sils, bil and their 2 aunties) seem pissed off at me. Obviously DD asked for the dino, they all pretended not to hear her.

5 mins later sil took the dino to the boy into the spare room, where apparently he was given the entire birthday cake to compensate for not getting his way. But he still lashed out kicking punching screaming when his dad tried to stop him completely ruining the cake.

Am I really in the wrong here? Shouldn't she have explained not to snatch and to ask if he can have a turn now. Instead of screaming at me!

Dd did not forget, for 2 weeks in her sleep she would ask for the dino back.
We finally revisited them after delaying many invites. This time it was only us visiting (odd), all the toys were hidden away (also odd), when dd asked for the dino she was told that's not yours.

It seems teaching children how to share and take turns it's out the window and punishing their only grandchild/niece for not giving in to a boys will it the next step forward.

I was incredibly mad, I wanted to buy the same dino for her myself. Would it be so bad if I did?

OP posts:
IamaBluebird · 04/05/2021 00:09

I actually feel sorry for the 5 year old who is being parented so badly. Surely he wouldn’t be allowed to behave in the way you describe, in school, by his teachers or his classmates.
Take your daughter to buy the dinosaur, don’t let her cry over a toy .

PurpleWh1teGreen · 04/05/2021 07:58

I feel sorry for a five year old whose two year old cousin has commandeered his toy all day.

Agree that the adults haven’t covered themselves in glory here though. The situation was handled terribly. I suspect the wider family were waiting for OP to tell her child to give the toy back and were ridiculous for not just asking for it. I Suspect the OP missed some cues though and is being blamed for the situation.

Low contact seems like the way to go if OP and her child are treated like this.

EL8888 · 04/05/2021 09:24

@PurpleWh1teGreen it’s not his toy though. It’s part of shared communal toys

Fespital · 04/05/2021 09:35

@FrenchBoule

No. Buy your DD a dino and reduce your visits.
This.

That is not an environment I would be rushing to bring my daughter to again.

Anycrispsleft · 04/05/2021 09:37

@BeyondMyWits

I would quite honestly be the bigger person and buy 2 of the dinos. One for Dd one for her cousin.
I would be extremely surprised if the 5yo gave a toss about the dino once he had it off his cousin. My own kids do that when they're bored and trying to wind each other up.
nanbread · 04/05/2021 10:05

I feel like there's more to this than we're told.

I can't imagine EVERYONE there was pissed off with you just because you asked SIL to give a toy back to your DD, that she'd snatched?

What's your relationship with them like, can you try to get to the bottom of it?

PurpleWh1teGreen · 04/05/2021 10:30

[quote EL8888]@PurpleWh1teGreen it’s not his toy though. It’s part of shared communal toys[/quote]
I get the impression that the little boy spends more time there though, so probably does see it as his and resents his younger cousin for what -,to him - must have looked like hogging his toy.

It's the adults who have behaved badly. Not the children. I'm just guessing the other adults expected the OP to have given up her daughter's claim on the toy, and went the passive aggressive route (or actual aggressive Wink) when they should have just asked.

EL8888 · 04/05/2021 10:46

He should be reminded then that it’s a shared toy

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 11:01

Dh was right next to Sil, the boys mum and dad were sat across Sil. His dad told him to leave the toy with dd, dh was telling sil to leave it with dd. It was his mother that had said (before her son crept behind sil and dd to take it) 'if they they can't share it, take it off both of them'. Spurring me to go pick dd up.
It's just as I pick Dd up sil pulled it out her hands, I try to lift it back, didn't mange with dd on my hip, so asked her to return it. she said no, I said don't make her cry (she gets weirdly attached to cuddly toys-she never throws tantrums or cries- when she's very upset she'll say mummy I'm crying- I could see her approaching this stage), she said he will cry(he will throw a tantrum over anything literally), I repeated give it back, then she started shouting angrily 'no. neither can have it', I still asked again, and then she blasted more 'I said no and its final'... Threw it under herself.
Dd was asking me what's happening, why they taking it from me, she'd never seen anyone behave this way before. So I explained, the boy is being greedy. Sil shouted he not greedy, he is just a child. (So her 5yo cousin is just a child but my 2yo girl is what? Nothing?)
What I really wanted to say was your aunty is being an idiot, doesn't understand what fair and equal is, she's been conditioned to believe boys desires overrule a girls and is willing to crush your spirits like they have his sisters.
I know it's not his fault he is being raised this way. But Dd isn't a second class citizen.
I was shocked at sil underhand maneuver and spoke out. Really his parents were there and dd parents were there, sil didn't need to get involved.
Generally, I'm invisible to them and we all avoid conversations. I would have asked dd to give him a turn, and manged so without a blowup.
Sil actions and lack of communication with the kids didn't give me a chance.
The rest of the the room were mere spectators. Hence why im the enemy. Dh tells me he was telling sil to behave, I didn't hear him, I doubt sil did either. Although he said he never wants to return.

Dd does have a dino of her own now.
Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 04/05/2021 11:06

So who's birthday was it op?

greeneyedlulu · 04/05/2021 11:06

Yes buy it! Can't believe they gave a 5 year old a whole birthday cake! What knobs! Stay well clear!

nanbread · 04/05/2021 11:15

You shouldn't have said the boy was being greedy as it was SIL who took it and it wasn't the boys fault she snatched it.

But apart from that you've done nothing wrong, nor has your DD, they sound awful. Steer clear.

EL8888 · 04/05/2021 11:16

@greeneyedlulu good point, we have been distracted by everything else. But a whole birthday cake is madness, even for an adult it’s too much -never mind a 5 year old

Seeline · 04/05/2021 11:25

Ah I thought SIL was the boy's mother!

Has SIL got children? How old is she?

So boys Dad said let your DD keep it; Boys mother said they should share (which as your DD had had the toy all day, may have been a fair point).

SIL sounds derranged and should never have got involved.

Allwokedup · 04/05/2021 11:33

Ok with your update I think your a bit PFB here op. You should have encouraged your daughter to share and if they couldn’t share, neither could have it. I thought it was her special toy, not just one for everyone to play with. Why don’t you want to teach your dd to share? Otherwise she’ll end up like the 5 year old who can’t share...

Kokosrieksts · 04/05/2021 11:43

Your SIL sounds a bit unhinged, however the Dino wasn’t your daughter’s, was it? So your parenting task should have been to comfort her and explain that it isn’t her dinosaur and it’s time to give it back. (And find the cutest loveliest toy out of her own that she doesn’t have to share). I think kids should be allowed not to share if it’s something they truly value, I’m not sharing my laptop or my favorite dress with anyone. It’s difficult to find the right balance, but also too often I hear “give the toy to little one, we have to share”. We’ll do we? What if the Dino was that 5 year old boys absolute favourite toy? We don’t know that. Too easy to demonize other kids.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2021 11:46

The kid and their attitudes towards him sounds awful, I wouldn't want to spend time around that, but besides that whole stand off with SIL and you sounds really, really bizarre. Completely aside from the children, I'd be going NC just for that weird dynamic.

Jazzy1814 · 04/05/2021 11:50

Had the boy been asking to play with the Dino through the day? You said your sil said if you can’t share no one gets it, is this because your dd wasn’t sharing the toy and as you said she had had it all day? I find it strange you would call the boy greedy did he hear you say this because if so I can see why the other adults might be upset with you. It does all sound a little bit like you’re picking on a 5yo and we are only getting parts of what’s really happened.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 04/05/2021 11:51

Why are you visiting these people?

Horehound · 04/05/2021 11:53

Yes, stop visiting. They are awful

EKGEMS · 04/05/2021 12:01

This reply has been deleted

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aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2021 12:08

@Jazzy1814

Had the boy been asking to play with the Dino through the day? You said your sil said if you can’t share no one gets it, is this because your dd wasn’t sharing the toy and as you said she had had it all day? I find it strange you would call the boy greedy did he hear you say this because if so I can see why the other adults might be upset with you. It does all sound a little bit like you’re picking on a 5yo and we are only getting parts of what’s really happened.
Even if their is a drip feed and OPs daughter was behaving worse than she has said, from the bits we know alone the boy did not deserve to be pandered to.
huuskymam · 04/05/2021 12:11

Your problem isn't a little boy acting up, it's the adults that don't parent properly.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/05/2021 12:19

Glad you bought her her own Dino. Assholes

HunterHearstHelmsley · 04/05/2021 12:24

They sound horrible!

I have some old cuddlies that I'm attached to. If my young nieces or nephews want to cuddle them, I explain they're important to me and I've had them a long time and that they have to be careful. I'll also say its mine but they can play with it while they're here. It's not hard! Gah, some people are trash.