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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sil takes comforting dino out of DD(2yo) hands to give to a 5yo boy who had just punched dd

209 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 03/05/2021 17:54

We were at my in-laws, who empty every toy box they have for the 3kids (Dd, her great uncles 5yo son and 2yo daughter) to play with in a spare room.
Dd enjoys holding teddies, she found 1 soft toy - a dino and held on to it for most the evening.
(I had left Dd at in-laws for first time alone that morning for 30 mins, while I had a blood test. We stayed there for most the morning and got invited to this bday meal for the evening. I think she had the dino then too)
The 5yo boy is spoilt and gets away with a lot, even hitting his sister and so obviously we keep a close eye on our dd.

It got very late and the girls were settling down but the boy was agitated. He punched Dd who defended herself 'don't punch me, I don't like it' she said. Btw he was not told off for that. Then dd snuggled up to sil with the dino. Continuing with his mission of snatching anything she has he snuck up behind them and tried to take it. Dd didn't let him take it but sil pulled it out her hands! I told Sil to return it, she started screaming at me, eventually said 'no-one can have it' and thrust it under her. She tried to distract Dd with her mobile when dd asked for the dino back.

Fil added he's the first boy in the family since my youngest son(26yo) and that kids forget quickly.
Rest of in-laws, who were all watching(boys parents,my mil,fil,2 other sils, bil and their 2 aunties) seem pissed off at me. Obviously DD asked for the dino, they all pretended not to hear her.

5 mins later sil took the dino to the boy into the spare room, where apparently he was given the entire birthday cake to compensate for not getting his way. But he still lashed out kicking punching screaming when his dad tried to stop him completely ruining the cake.

Am I really in the wrong here? Shouldn't she have explained not to snatch and to ask if he can have a turn now. Instead of screaming at me!

Dd did not forget, for 2 weeks in her sleep she would ask for the dino back.
We finally revisited them after delaying many invites. This time it was only us visiting (odd), all the toys were hidden away (also odd), when dd asked for the dino she was told that's not yours.

It seems teaching children how to share and take turns it's out the window and punishing their only grandchild/niece for not giving in to a boys will it the next step forward.

I was incredibly mad, I wanted to buy the same dino for her myself. Would it be so bad if I did?

OP posts:

jessycake · 04/05/2021 12:28

Is SIL very young ? she sounds immature and bossy

FrenchBoule · 04/05/2021 12:29

@AryaStarkWolf

Glad you bought her her own Dino. Assholes

Agreed.

OP, girls are NOT second to boys and I say that as a mother of 2 boys.

Your nephew is going to be a horror when older.

Diamondnights · 04/05/2021 12:30

If your DH doesn't want to go again, listen to him. He's had a lifetime of dealing with his family. They sound horrible.

Aprilshowersandhail · 04/05/2021 12:38

I stopped making any effort with my sil when I saw her slap her ds's leg for having waxy ears...
He was a toddler..

AgathaAllAlong · 04/05/2021 12:43

After your update, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You called the birthday boy greedy for wanting to play with the dinosaur? He's only five, he was tired and it was his birthday! It soudns from his mum saying they should share before he grabbed it that he had been asking for it for some time. It's bad to teach DD that anyone who wants something she has is greedy. You should have encouraged her to share.

But also, your in laws sound terrible and I would not be returning. The part that really stuck out was her asking for the dino ages later and being told it's not hers. Most grandparents would have her favourite toy ready for her visit, not deny her as some sort of weird punishment. Unless the backstory is that the dino actually belongs to the boy, they are being awful. Also awful that you were screamed at.

Original poster

UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 13:06

It was one of DH aunties birthday.

I got to mad at sil, who is older then me 37(not a mum), but I should have said something to her not the little boy.

The dino became precious to dd, and I believe that's the only reason little boy wanted it.
Still he should have got a turn, but things got esculated unnecessarily.

OP posts:

Somethingsnappy · 04/05/2021 13:12

Reading your update, did sil perhaps feel pressure from the boy's mother to take it off them both, after she said neither of them can have it? So she was trying to cooperate with the other mum, but just handled it (very) badly?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 13:22

So the boy wanted it, your DD had been holding it all day, then when your MIL said if they couldn't share neither could have it. So you tried to take DD and the Dino toy. So really you all sound a bit odd. Your DD hadn't shared it all day, you seem to think that somehow her being asked to share makes her less important than a boy, SIL handled it badly. And a tired and grumpy 5 year old boy punched and wasn't disciplined. Sounds like a lot of tired people acting batshit loopy.

Original poster

UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 13:24

I'll never know sil intentions. But surely she took it to give him, given she took it to him in the room moments later.

OP posts:

Daphnise · 04/05/2021 13:24

How horrible and nasty.
It would be nice if your daughter could just forget about it- but I'm not sure she will.
I'd only have the absolute minimal contact with the offending family (no point in saying cut them out- you can't really do that), and not let the awful child near yours at all.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 13:26

Stay away from all of them.

Original poster

UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 13:26

Had dd been asked to share she would have.

That's the main point. No-one asked, just grabbed it.

OP posts:

Original poster

UmmMaryam2019 · 04/05/2021 13:29

** 13:24Daphnise

This is the only way we can move forward.

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 04/05/2021 13:30

What I really wanted to say was your aunty is being an idiot, doesn't understand what fair and equal is, she's been conditioned to believe boys desires overrule a girls and is willing to crush your spirits like they have his sisters.

Erm, that's an awful lot to get out of someone saying that if two young children can't both have a go with a toy then neither of them can have it... You're the one who used nasty words (calling him greedy) about a child, you're the one who told your daughter she didn't have to share something that wasn't hers, and you're the one applying complete double standards (it's fine to say no one can take something off your daughter because she'll cry, but them trying to appease another child in the same way was apparently different and giving in to a tantrum?), so it feels a bit rich for you to start spouting on about equality and turning it into some sort of campaign for women's rights...

PhillipPhillop · 04/05/2021 13:34

So much drama. Why aren't you using Covid as the reason for not meeting up with them?

IamaBluebird · 04/05/2021 13:45

I think it’s really sad that people are happy to call a tired 5 year old all these names. Let’s all judge a little boy on an argument over a cuddly toy. The adults are at fault here not the child .

Seriously79 · 04/05/2021 13:46

I feel your pain! DP niece is the 'golden child' and highly enabled by her mum DPs sister.

We are trying to arrange a b'day party for our DD (end of June if lockdown is over) and sis in law in trying to dictate what time we should be hosting, so that it fits in with her/ golden child's schedule.

I don't think anyone has ever said 'no' to sis in law or golden child there is no way, she is telling me when I can have a party for my daughter. Dp and myself have had so many rows because of this.

I don't know why some people are so selfish and entitled.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2021 14:12

@IamaBluebird

On the contrary, I find it really refreshing that people are openly admitting that a spoilt male child with aggressive tendencies that are not addressed, who is favoured over the girls in their family, is going to grow up to he a giant PITA unless something in his upbringing changes. It doesn't always have to be devastating to admit these things amongst adults.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 14:16

What evidence is there that he is favoured? He wasn't disciplined that is totally different. The girl had the toy all day before he got a turn.

Hardbackwriter · 04/05/2021 14:19

I agree that it doesn't sound like he's being given firm boundaries - and hitting should be treated with zero tolerance - but I think the OP also sounds massively PFB so I don't think he's the only child being indulged here (I also don't really entirely believe her account of events, and even her clearly biased side of it makes it clear she was at fault too). It sounds like no one is really bringing their parenting A game here - the whole thing might have been avoided if it hadn't been collectively decided to put a load of tiny children in a spare room with a load of toys 'very late' at an adult event - you're never going to get great behaviour under those circumstances.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 14:19

@sweeneytoddsrazor

What evidence is there that he is favoured? He wasn't disciplined that is totally different. The girl had the toy all day before he got a turn.

Read the thread

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/05/2021 14:31

I have read the thread. Apart from 1 odd comment that he is the first boy in 26 years, it all comes down to him not being disciplined, OP has interpreted the toy her dd had all day being taken was because a boy was more important. When in fact he was probably overtired, used to getting his own way because of poor parenting and had to wait all day for a toy he wanted because OPs child had it all day.

Binkybix · 04/05/2021 14:59

All very weird. In your second account I can’t make out in the timeline when the 5 year old punched your DD. Punch is a strong word - was it really a punch?

On second reading it seems as though your DD had had the Dino most the day, and you had not encouraged her to share at all.

Agree that none of the adults come out of this well. And just odd of PIL to hide the toys at the next visit.

So I explained, the boy is being greedy. Sil shouted he not greedy, he is just a child

This would have wound me right up as the parent of the 5 year old. From their POV your DD has been hogging the toy all day and he’s the one accused of being greedy. That was not the best and I probably would have seen red at that

99victoria · 04/05/2021 15:01

To be honest I think you all sound a bit overdramatic! Why are you all screaming at each other over a soft toy?

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2021 15:38

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I'd be interested to know the context behind that comment but on paper it doesn't sound like something to just be dismissed. The timing of when FIL says that sounds like it goes with an implied "and therefore he gets special treatment". If it doesn't mean that, then great, but it very much sounds like it does.

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