Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil takes comforting dino out of DD(2yo) hands to give to a 5yo boy who had just punched dd

209 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 03/05/2021 17:54

We were at my in-laws, who empty every toy box they have for the 3kids (Dd, her great uncles 5yo son and 2yo daughter) to play with in a spare room.
Dd enjoys holding teddies, she found 1 soft toy - a dino and held on to it for most the evening.
(I had left Dd at in-laws for first time alone that morning for 30 mins, while I had a blood test. We stayed there for most the morning and got invited to this bday meal for the evening. I think she had the dino then too)
The 5yo boy is spoilt and gets away with a lot, even hitting his sister and so obviously we keep a close eye on our dd.

It got very late and the girls were settling down but the boy was agitated. He punched Dd who defended herself 'don't punch me, I don't like it' she said. Btw he was not told off for that. Then dd snuggled up to sil with the dino. Continuing with his mission of snatching anything she has he snuck up behind them and tried to take it. Dd didn't let him take it but sil pulled it out her hands! I told Sil to return it, she started screaming at me, eventually said 'no-one can have it' and thrust it under her. She tried to distract Dd with her mobile when dd asked for the dino back.

Fil added he's the first boy in the family since my youngest son(26yo) and that kids forget quickly.
Rest of in-laws, who were all watching(boys parents,my mil,fil,2 other sils, bil and their 2 aunties) seem pissed off at me. Obviously DD asked for the dino, they all pretended not to hear her.

5 mins later sil took the dino to the boy into the spare room, where apparently he was given the entire birthday cake to compensate for not getting his way. But he still lashed out kicking punching screaming when his dad tried to stop him completely ruining the cake.

Am I really in the wrong here? Shouldn't she have explained not to snatch and to ask if he can have a turn now. Instead of screaming at me!

Dd did not forget, for 2 weeks in her sleep she would ask for the dino back.
We finally revisited them after delaying many invites. This time it was only us visiting (odd), all the toys were hidden away (also odd), when dd asked for the dino she was told that's not yours.

It seems teaching children how to share and take turns it's out the window and punishing their only grandchild/niece for not giving in to a boys will it the next step forward.

I was incredibly mad, I wanted to buy the same dino for her myself. Would it be so bad if I did?

OP posts:
Teeshirt · 03/05/2021 18:27

Why are you all there inside? Just don’t go there.

YouJustDoYou · 03/05/2021 18:28

And this is why we only see the in-laws and BIL/SIL and nieces once a year.

LouHotel · 03/05/2021 18:28

I'd buy a whole herd of dinosaur teddies, set up a full on replica of jurassic Park in your back garden and post on your social media without comment.

apalledandshocked · 03/05/2021 18:28

I also suspect that what the 5 year old was actually jealous of was your DD was snuggled up to his mum. Mum could have avoided the whole drama by paying him attention/letting him sit on her lap/distracting him when he first snuck up (so not rewarding bad behaviour but getting there first), but that would have presumably taken more effort than giving him the dino and then distracting your DD with her phone. And the boy gets put in another room and they try to keep him quiet with cake (though that backfired). Just shitty, lazy parenting with an additional layer of sexism. Poor kid.

Plumbear2 · 03/05/2021 18:30

I've thought more about this. This is a 5 year old, still a young child. He has been playing in a room all day with two 2 year olds for compay, that's boring for a 5 year old. Did anyone engage him in activities more appropriate for his age. You said it was late and the 2 year olds where settling down but tne 5 year old wasn't and was agitated and that's when he displayed these behaviours. He sounds like a very overtired very young child who was also bored so obviously his behaviour wasn't perfect. I think instead of blaming a young child you should be trying to see this thro the eyes of a tired little boy. Your child will be 5 before you know it, her behaviour won't be perfect either esp when tired after spending all day in a house that isn't her home. Learn a little understanding and compassion.

AmyDudley · 03/05/2021 18:30

Why did your FIL mention this child was the first boy in the family ? What's that got to do with anything ?- does it mean everyone must obey the boy-child's every whim ?

Anyway - yes to buying your DD a dino (or a whole bloody Jurassic parks worth of dinos) and yes to giving your idiot in laws a wide berth.

Gingernspice · 03/05/2021 18:31

Yanbu. Get you dd the dino

ThatIsMyPotato · 03/05/2021 18:31

What on earth has him being the first boy got to do with anything?

I'd just buy your DD and reduce your contact with them.

MiriamMargo · 03/05/2021 18:31

Buy her one and cut down those visits, to a mere half 30mins once a month, but they need to know why.

Loopylobes · 03/05/2021 18:33

I think there may be some information missing about this situation.

Could it be that the little boy has some additional needs like ASD and they were desperately trying to prevent a meltdown? I'm not saying that they want about it the right way, whether he has additional needs or not but some parents keep diagnoses like this a secret for fear of their child being 'labelled', especially for the first few months after diagnosis.

Lots of people whose children have ASD, particularly if they are at the well-masked end of the spectrum, find themselves being judged for poor parenting when they are trying to manage a lot more than a potential tantrum.

It may be that he has no additional needs at all and they're just incapable of saying no to him but you might just want to bear this in mind when deciding how to handle things.

apalledandshocked · 03/05/2021 18:34

@Plumbear2

I've thought more about this. This is a 5 year old, still a young child. He has been playing in a room all day with two 2 year olds for compay, that's boring for a 5 year old. Did anyone engage him in activities more appropriate for his age. You said it was late and the 2 year olds where settling down but tne 5 year old wasn't and was agitated and that's when he displayed these behaviours. He sounds like a very overtired very young child who was also bored so obviously his behaviour wasn't perfect. I think instead of blaming a young child you should be trying to see this thro the eyes of a tired little boy. Your child will be 5 before you know it, her behaviour won't be perfect either esp when tired after spending all day in a house that isn't her home. Learn a little understanding and compassion.
Which is why, in those situations, a parent would try to entertain the child, talk to them etc even if it meant missing out on some of the relaxing/adult conversation or even, worst case scenario, going home when it became clear they were overtired and agitated. Not letting them get into a state, behave badly, and then pacify them with cake and the toy they snatched. Thats poor parenting.
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2021 18:34

I wouldn’t spend time with anyone who shouted at me. That’s completely unacceptable.

MrsWooster · 03/05/2021 18:34

I would have left the gathering at the first incident and I would monitor future visits and leave at the first hint of anything similar. Family would hate it, I’m sure, but my daughter would know that her needs matter.

Theunamedcat · 03/05/2021 18:34

@Seeline

Obviously the boy was wrong to punch, and SIL behaved badly. However, you say children should share. Your DD had had the toy all day from your description. Perhaps you could have encouraged her to share too?
Teaching a child and taking from a child are two very different things sil didnt say that he should have a turn she just Took the toy
ForgedInFire · 03/05/2021 18:35

They all sound horrible.
I think 5 is far too old to be snatching from a toddler I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old and neither of them would do it.
Buy her the Dino and don't go round when the other kids are visiting

PandaLady · 03/05/2021 18:36

I just can't get my head around this at all. Was the Dino actually the 5yr olds? It's all very weird.

Why did they give him an entire birthday cake when he didn't want it?

Why do you need us to validate the buying of the Dino when your dd has been asking for it in her sleep for 2 weeks?

Why did you go back to the house as it would appear you and your dd are not welcome?

PurpleWh1teGreen · 03/05/2021 18:36

I’m sorry the little boy wasn’t reigned in, but I’m going against the grain and say don’t buy your DD a replacement toy. It’s the old saying, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I would be worried that buying the thing she was upset to have taken off her would end up being a bad lesson that could come back and bite.

You’ve already taught her resilience if she can stand up for herself. That’s worth more in the long run.

BeyondMyWits · 03/05/2021 18:37

I would quite honestly be the bigger person and buy 2 of the dinos. One for Dd one for her cousin.

HeckyPeck · 03/05/2021 18:37

Your SIL behaved ridiculously! I would buy her a Dino and then make sure never to leave your DD alone there again.

They can't be trusted to protect her if they don't tell of older, stronger kids who hit her.

ForgedInFire · 03/05/2021 18:39

Also you should have told off the 5 year old when he punched your little girl if no one else did. That's horrible. If this is accurate as to how it played out, nobody is actually parenting him at all

SoThisisMe · 03/05/2021 18:39

If my SIL behaved like that I'd take my child and leave. She screamed at you and no one said anything? Didn't tell her son off for hitting his younger cousin? Why is it relevant that he's male?
Buy her the dino and see them all as little as possible in future because they sound like twats.

Plumbear2 · 03/05/2021 18:40

Excellent point panda. If the Dino is actually the boys own toy then it was completely out of order for for the OP to allow her child to monopolise it for the entire day, but esp late into the eve when the 5 year old possibly needed it back for comfort.

babbaloushka · 03/05/2021 18:40

Get that wee girl a dino!

Milkshake7489 · 03/05/2021 18:41

Not unreasonable to buy her the dinosaur at all.

In your shoes I would have taken my daughter and left immediately... Ignoring the dinosaur for a second, it's completely inappropriate for SIL to scream at you especially in front of your daughter.

Never mind reducing contact, it'd take a lot to get me to have any contact with family like that again.

What did your partner say?

ButtonMoonLoon · 03/05/2021 18:42

Oh, it sounds deeply toxic, and if it’s like this now imagine how it might progress as the children get older.

I’d definitely buy her the dinosaur toy and would avoid going to their home again if you can.

Swipe left for the next trending thread