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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 03/05/2021 19:53

Your Dh knows how much you love your Gs, he could put up with this little bit of annoyance for you can't he ?

Fr0thandBubble · 03/05/2021 19:57

Personally, my DC and GC would always come first.

Obviously it is not ideal that your son has had a child at such a young age, when he is still living at home. But it is what it is and he is only 21 - before the age when I would say they should be standing on their own two feet.

I do see how it's not ideal for your DH though. But, unfortunately, this is the problem with blended families.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 20:04

@Pumperthepumper Lol, pitiful indeed. Your misogyny shines through. You genuinely can't see why a woman would have more than equal claim to a newborn child?

Bullshit, the only misogynist here is you. A woman has no more claim to a newborn that its father, it’s insane you think men are exempt from parenting because a woman doesn’t abort.

NO WHERE did I say she should have had an abortion, just stating a BIOLOGICAL FACT that women, by mere fact that we bond with them in utero and breastfeed and a mother usually has custody most of the time, as is in THIS situation, we naturally have more of a claim to a child. You're either trolling or else if you honestly need it explained to you WHY mothers tend to have custody of their newborns, then you aren't of the required intelligence needed to participate in this discussion.

So what did you mean by ‘she chose to have it*? What’s the choice? I’d suggest if you can’t back up your offensive and backwards views then I’m not the stupid one.

TaylorStan · 03/05/2021 20:07

@NailsNeedDoing

Your husband has a right to undisturbed sleep in his own home.

Try and compromise on only having the baby to stay once a week, at the weekends. If your son and his ex want more than that, then they will have to work out a way of it happening somewhere else.

Totally agree with this. And your son should be making plans to move out after college whilst this compromise is in place.
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 20:14

[quote Pumperthepumper]**@Pumperthepumper Lol, pitiful indeed. Your misogyny shines through. You genuinely can't see why a woman would have more than equal claim to a newborn child?

Bullshit, the only misogynist here is you. A woman has no more claim to a newborn that its father, it’s insane you think men are exempt from parenting because a woman doesn’t abort.

NO WHERE did I say she should have had an abortion, just stating a BIOLOGICAL FACT that women, by mere fact that we bond with them in utero and breastfeed and a mother usually has custody most of the time, as is in THIS situation, we naturally have more of a claim to a child. You're either trolling or else if you honestly need it explained to you WHY mothers tend to have custody of their newborns, then you aren't of the required intelligence needed to participate in this discussion.

So what did you mean by ‘she chose to have it*? What’s the choice? I’d suggest if you can’t back up your offensive and backwards views then I’m not the stupid one.[/quote]
A woman has no more claim to a newborn that its father, it’s insane you think men are exempt from parenting because a woman doesn’t abort.

Bullshit! A baby need's it's MOTHER! A mother will always have more claim to her child that she grew, birthed, breastfed than any man, so take your deeply offensive and misogynist rubbish back to the MRA pages it comes from! Don't dare even come on here and tell us women that a baby doesn't belong with it's mother. Don't even open yourself up to that ridicule!

So what did you mean by ‘she chose to have it? What’s the choice?*

Seriously? That even needs explaining? It's quite simple. She chose to have her baby knowing the father was living at home and didn't have a home of his own (and I presume she doesn't either). The fact is that will present her with difficulties. She had 9 months or thereabouts to come up with something workable. And then after the birth it's been almost a year, and her and the father still haven't come up with anything.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 20:17

Seriously? That even needs explaining? It's quite simple. She chose to have her baby knowing the father was living at home and didn't have a home of his own (and I presume she doesn't either). The fact is that will present her with difficulties. She had 9 months or thereabouts to come up with something workable. And then after the birth it's been almost a year, and her and the father still haven't come up with anything.

So the choice was She chose to have her baby knowing the father was living at home and didn't have a home of his own or.......................?

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 20:19

Bullshit! A baby need's it's MOTHER! A mother will always have more claim to her child that she grew, birthed, breastfed than any man, so take your deeply offensive and misogynist rubbish back to the MRA pages it comes from! Don't dare even come on here and tell us women that a baby doesn't belong with it's mother. Don't even open yourself up to that ridicule!

This is just rambling, incoherent babbling. You’re suggesting if a mother chooses to give birth (rather than abort) she is therefore more responsible for it than the father. There’s your MRA bullshit, you’re playing right into their hands.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 03/05/2021 20:29

What time does your DH get ready and go to bed for a 3am start?

About 8 pm...? And how old is he..? Mid 50s..?

About the same time a a 1 year old needing coaxed to go to sleep in a house that he doesn’t sleep in every night, in a routine that is different to last night....with an inexperienced 21 year old dad, and Granny offering to help with feeding to sleep and jiggling, and 2 other teenagers in an over crowded house.

Nothing about the situation is ideal - however the DH isn’t that much of an ogre from what I imagine - I can imagine bedtime for him in the baby are very fraught.

19lottie82 · 03/05/2021 20:31

Um....common sense? Because it's
HIS....HOME. And not the baby's mothers.
Are you truly asking why a man has the
right to peace and quiet in his own home??? Really? Why does what the baby's mother wants have anything to do
with a stranger like the DH? The baby's mother needs to take responsibility for her actions and not ruining DH's life, it's not*
his responsibility

You’re missing the point I’m making here.

I’m presuming that the mother still lives at home with her parents. Whose to say they aren’t in a similar predicament? Does the OPs DH have more of a right to not having a baby overnight in his home than they do? I don’t think so.

19lottie82 · 03/05/2021 20:32

And why on earth does expecting her baby’s father to have him a couple of nights a week, mean she isn’t taking responsibility for her own actions? 😕

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 20:43

@19lottie82

Um....common sense? Because it's HIS....HOME. And not the baby's mothers. Are you truly asking why a man has the right to peace and quiet in his own home??? Really? Why does what the baby's mother wants have anything to do with a stranger like the DH? The baby's mother needs to take responsibility for her actions and not ruining DH's life, it's not* his responsibility

You’re missing the point I’m making here.

I’m presuming that the mother still lives at home with her parents. Whose to say they aren’t in a similar predicament? Does the OPs DH have more of a right to not having a baby overnight in his home than they do? I don’t think so.

Again, that's not OP's DH's problem. The mother appears to have custody mostly, and she is the mother. It might not be great for her parents, but, it is what it is. It's not DH's problem. It's just too bad really. But it's not DH's problem to worry about or solve.
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 20:45

@19lottie82

And why on earth does expecting her baby’s father to have him a couple of nights a week, mean she isn’t taking responsibility for her own actions? 😕
Knowing her baby's father still lives at home, and is having to put his baby to sleep in the dining room in the house, while the DH gets his sleep disturbed isn't exactly responsible. Her and the father should have come up with a workable solution by now. They haven't and don't seem too interested in doing so. I would NOT be happy if my baby had to sleep in the dining room, and was causing problems in the family home.
19lottie82 · 03/05/2021 20:49

CokeDrinker you keep implying that the mothers parents have less rights to peace and quiet / a break from their grandchild than the OP and her husband. Why?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 20:56

@19lottie82

CokeDrinker you keep implying that the mothers parents have less rights to peace and quiet / a break from their grandchild than the OP and her husband. Why?
I never said they have less rights, just that it is NOT the DH's problem. Which it isn't. It's not his problem.
Bimblingaway · 03/05/2021 21:00

@19lottie82

CokeDrinker you keep implying that the mothers parents have less rights to peace and quiet / a break from their grandchild than the OP and her husband. Why?
Maybe the mothers parents don’t have jobs that require them to be up at 3am in the morning. Maybe the mothers parents don’t work in professions that could be potentially dangerous with lack of sleep. Maybe the mothers parents are retired and don’t get up for work at all. Lots of maybes there; fact is we don’t know what her situation is. All we do know is that the proposed schedule does not work for the DH. He should have a say in something that will directly affect him. OP doesn’t seem bothered at all about his views on the situation. It’s selfish behaviour. If she didn’t want to consider her husbands feelings as well as her children’s, she shouldn’t be in a relationship imo.
HumunaHey · 03/05/2021 21:40

Haven't RTFT just came as this is in the Daily Mail.

Sounds like you're molly coddling your son a bit. 21 is young. . .but old enough to make a baby, so he should take more responsibility. Not saying he shouldn't feel welcome but I can see where your DH is coming from.

wouldthatbeworse · 03/05/2021 22:15

I’d be doing whatever I could to support DS to be the best father he can (including not taking on too much day to day childcare) but making my home available as much as needed. What’s best for DS and DGC far outweighs what’s best for DH.

Concestor · 03/05/2021 22:28

I've read the first and last pages and all of OPs posts.

Your husband is an arse and should wear earplugs, but your son should look at having his son in his room so he can respond to cries quickly.

To be honest if this was my husband I'd be really cross that he clearly doesn't see the children as his in any way and it would need a serious conversation.

Dogoodfeelgood · 03/05/2021 22:34

I would choose my son over their stepdad. Is your husband generally lovely and fatherly to them? Is this a one off due to sleep issues or a symptom of a wider issue of him not seeing your sons as part of his real family?

Rejoiningperson · 03/05/2021 22:34

@zuala if any step mum or step dad saw their step kids as their’s they would be vilified - that is not a line that any step parent is allowed to cross over. So people can’t have it both ways, a step parent is ‘not’ a parent - and if they were they would be able to have a say in whether their adult son continued to have a baby and their views would be listened to.

Carmelle · 03/05/2021 22:47

Lots of varying opinions here.
Just to clear a few things up. My husband works yes and so do I. Both full time my hours are longer than his. He moved into my home which is rented and we are still here now.
There’s only 2 other teens here as well as son.
If he could afford to he would love his own place!
gs mother does not work and she lives at home with her mom.
I’m not saying my husbands feelings don’t matter, I am saying I feel stuck in the middle

OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 03/05/2021 22:58

You are not stuck in the middle, with respect I think that is a cop out of your own responsibilities here. And that is that you can’t have it all ways. Nor can your son. Nor can your husband as you have children. But your husband is allowed to say ‘this is too much’ and he is being reasonable. Your priorities are to your younger children, who are still not adults, and to your relationship, your husband.

I know you would like to look after your older son too, but that is a big ask for you, for your younger kids, and your husband. If you really, really do want to support your son for more time, I think you need to either:

  • end your relationship with your husband
  • compromise with your son and say only day times except weekends

You are not stuck in the middle. You are the one with most control and most say, and the one most able to make it all work a lot better.

Ibizafun · 03/05/2021 22:59

To the posters who are saying op’s husband should see her grandchild as his too, this is ridiculous- it isn’t his grandchild.

In this case I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong, just different priorities. I’m not sure I’d want a baby staying over regularly but then if it was my own grandchild it would never be enough!

I have a 21 yr old ds. At this age your ds needs all the support he can get. Perhaps if your dh could see the arrangement wasn’t going to stretch into the far future he’d be more tolerant.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 23:06

You'll work it out, it was DS home before DH came on the scene, might be worth reminding DH how he was welcomed into the home and now he is making things awkward for DS and his DS. Not nice.

Congratulations on DGS the poor mite suffering with eczema and a moany step gran-dad.

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 23:15

How old is the mum @Carmelle?