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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 03/05/2021 18:49

21 is an adult... but a very young one. There's no way I'd put my husband first in this situation.

If the noise bothers him, that's what earplugs are for. And if he asks 'why should I?', tell him because you love your son and grandchild and this is a deal breaker for you.

With a part time job and college your son is unlikely to be able to afford a suitable home for his child.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 18:53

@19lottie82

CokeDrinker but why does the DHs want to not have the child in his home trump that of the family of the baby’s mother?

Yeah…… of course give the baby up for adoption, what a great solution ! 🙄

Um....common sense? Because it's HIS....HOME. And not the baby's mothers. Are you truly asking why a man has the right to peace and quiet in his own home??? Really? Why does what the baby's mother wants have anything to do with a stranger like the DH? The baby's mother needs to take responsibility for her actions and not ruining DH's life, it's not his responsibility.

Well, I said that re adoption because from what it sounds like, neither the baby's mother nor it's father seem responsible it all. They had 9 months to formulate a plan. Still nothing when the baby came. Then, almost a year on, STILL nothing. They've made no attempt to formulate a workable plan that doesn't inconvenience anyone. The father is in no rush because he has manipulated his mother right round his finger - why would he bother? She is coddling him and doesn't care about the affect on her husband or if it could affect his work or cause a work injury. The mother thinks it's ok to palm off a less than one year old newborn into another household for at least 2 days (weekend 1 week, 2 days mid-week the other) every week. The father thinks it's appropriate to stay with this newborn in the dining room while disrupting his siblings' lives and his step-dad's life/sleep.

If being responsible means you are disrupting and inconveniencing other innocent people, then guess what, you are not being responsible at all. Almost one year on, he has not formulated a plan, he still intends to inconvenience everyone else. He has not demonstrating maturity or responsibility, neither has the mother. They both don't sound up to being parents, hence why I suggested they should give him up for adoption.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:00

[quote Pinkpaisley]@cokedrinker

If you set aside the particular housing issue of the moment, I’m curious...
Do you believe the mother and father of an infant have an equal responsibility for the child’s care and well-bring?

Note I’m not asking if you believe if all couples must always divide all work exactly 50:50, I mean the general question of responsibility for the child.[/quote]
I believe the custodial parent does have most of the responsibility, and since the baby is with the mother most of the time, and since it was her choice to have him, then she should take much of the responsibility. She chose to have him, that's the bottom line, so most of it should be on her. I think ideally it should be 50:50 but the father doesn't even have a fulltime job or a place to live. She knew this when she decided to continue the pregnancy. I simply don't believe an innocent person like the DH should have their life turned upside down and then made to feel bad if they even voice that it's not working for them.

HotPenguin · 03/05/2021 19:06

This thread makes me really sad. Your DH is refusing to allow your grandson to stay in the house, by doing so he's effectively kicking your son out. I can't believe the number of people coming on here to defend your DHs right to quiet in his own home. It's your home too! Can't he stay at a friend's or go to a hotel if it's really such a problem?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 03/05/2021 19:07

I think there needs to be some compromise here.

Every other weekend plus one night a week would be normal and seems fair. However two midweek nights seems excessive to force upon your husband and, I can see, would be very stressful.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2021 19:08

@HotPenguin

This thread makes me really sad. Your DH is refusing to allow your grandson to stay in the house, by doing so he's effectively kicking your son out. I can't believe the number of people coming on here to defend your DHs right to quiet in his own home. It's your home too! Can't he stay at a friend's or go to a hotel if it's really such a problem?
Having grandparents to stay on a regular basis should be a joint decision, like anything else. As much as it can be pleasant for many grandparents. It's not the same thing as having your own dependant children at home, it's optional.
KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 19:10

Coke your comments on this thread are overly dramatic. Having the step sons baby there on a couple of weekday nights is hardly ruining the DHs life. Disturbing his sleep a bit but that's about it. Time to get himself some earplugs and crack on.

HotPenguin · 03/05/2021 19:15

Problem is @aSofaNearYou it isn't realistic to expect a 21 year old to have their own place these days so the son's options are very limited.

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 19:16

She chose to have him, that's the bottom line, so most of it should be on her.

What the fuck is this now? You think babies belong more to a mother than a father? That’s a bold statement.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:17

@HotPenguin

This thread makes me really sad. Your DH is refusing to allow your grandson to stay in the house, by doing so he's effectively kicking your son out. I can't believe the number of people coming on here to defend your DHs right to quiet in his own home. It's your home too! Can't he stay at a friend's or go to a hotel if it's really such a problem?
@HotPenguin What is sad is people thinking selfishness is ok and that it's ok to upend someone's life. The DH has to get up at 3am to go to work and he works with heavy industrial machinery. What is it that you and others don't understand about that? The DH is not refusing to allow the boy to stay, just not mid-week, the OP suggests he is ok with the weekends, but not 2 nights mid-week, when he has to get up at 3am in the morning. What is it about that, that you think is unreasonable.

Since it is the son inconveniencing everyone with this baby, why can't HE go stay at a friends with the baby or a hotel?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 03/05/2021 19:18

Some people are good sleepers and ‘get ear plugs, crack on’ is good advice but for people with bad sleep, being continuously woken can mean very little sleep indeed (or none).

Which is why some compromise is the solution.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2021 19:20

@idrinkchocolatemilk

God I couldn’t imagine my daughter ever reaching an age where I told her it was time to leave. Some of you sound absolutely awful. OP that is your sons home and he should be able to have his child there if he wishes too. Your husband is moaning about 2 nights a month? I’d tell him to shut up the big old whinge bag
Why? Had my children and brought them up. They are welcome back in emergencies but this is my house and I dont do house shares
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:20

@KurtWilde

Coke your comments on this thread are overly dramatic. Having the step sons baby there on a couple of weekday nights is hardly ruining the DHs life. Disturbing his sleep a bit but that's about it. Time to get himself some earplugs and crack on.
You clearly despite being told many times that the DH has to get up at 3am and work with heavy industrial machinery don't understand what sleep deprivation does, let alone if you have to work with such machinery. You callous disregard is quite worrying and reeks of selfishness. One worknight a week, maximum, 2 worknights a week? Taking the piss, plus the weekends. Funny how you feel so much for the CFer of a son who is mooching off anyone but feel nothing for the innocent man who is having his life and sleep disturbed. Do you always advocate reward for the CFers and attack the innocent people for daring to say "this does not work for me"?
Nanny0gg · 03/05/2021 19:22

@ConnieCaterpillar70

Dear God what some horrid responses to this.

Your son is barely an adult, and is doing the responsible thing by having a relationship with his child.

Your DH sounds like a whining brat, frankly, and I'd be packing his bags - not that of my son/grandchild.

If he were that responsible he would have used contraception
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:23

@HotPenguin

Problem is *@aSofaNearYou* it isn't realistic to expect a 21 year old to have their own place these days so the son's options are very limited.
Nor is it realistic to expect someone else to be inconvenienced, through no fault of his own, when he has to get up at 3am and work with heavy industrial machinery. The baby has no need to stay over. The DH needs to go to work.

That's what it comes down to. Common sense.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2021 19:23

@HotPenguin

Problem is *@aSofaNearYou* it isn't realistic to expect a 21 year old to have their own place these days so the son's options are very limited.
Well it is possible, isn't it, and having a child does mean he doesn't have the luxury of coasting when it comes to affording his own place.

Again, I'm not saying he has to move out. But it should certainly have been a joint decision to allow this, unlike having his or OPs own dependant children there.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:24

@Pumperthepumper

She chose to have him, that's the bottom line, so most of it should be on her.

What the fuck is this now? You think babies belong more to a mother than a father? That’s a bold statement.

WTF? If you are saying you think a newborn baby should be taken from the mother overnight, that is a bold statement to make, on a mother's forum. Of course a baby identifies more with and needs the mother!
KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 19:29

@CokeDrinker you don't have a clue what I have experience of 😂

Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 19:33

WTF? If you are saying you think a newborn baby should be taken from the mother overnight, that is a bold statement to make, on a mother's forum. Of course a baby identifies more with and needs the mother!

Oh it’s a newborn now? And you think a father has less claim to a baby for the baby’s sake? ‘She chose to have him’ was your actual misogynistic quote.

Dothepropeller21 · 03/05/2021 19:38

Agree this thread is quite sad. My mum has my son several times a week while I work which she offered to do. Luckily my step dad views my son as his own grandchild and is more than happy to have him whenever. It would cause a huge strain on my relationship with mum if my stepdad started refusing for him to come over. 21 is still very young, yes he made the decision to have a child, but I don't think you should be making it difficult for your son to have a relationship with his child. Having a child he is unlikely to get a room in a shared house and I couldn't have afforded to rent on my own at that age. It will end up meaning the child cannot see their father as often.
I understand it's also your husband's house, but I think it's really sad that he clearly doesn't view this child as his own grandchild. My views are very biased though as I have two wonderful stepparents that my children refer to as grandparents and I can't imagine it any other way.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:40

@Pumperthepumper

WTF? If you are saying you think a newborn baby should be taken from the mother overnight, that is a bold statement to make, on a mother's forum. Of course a baby identifies more with and needs the mother!

Oh it’s a newborn now? And you think a father has less claim to a baby for the baby’s sake? ‘She chose to have him’ was your actual misogynistic quote.

We've been talking about a newborn - or less than one year old as the subject of this topic all along. Do keep up. It never was about anything else. The rest of your misogynistic post doesn't deserve dignifying. That you wrote it on a woman's webforum is astonishing.
Pumperthepumper · 03/05/2021 19:44

We've been talking about a newborn - or less than one year old as the subject of this topic all along. Do keep up. It never was about anything else. The rest of your misogynistic post doesn't deserve dignifying. That you wrote it on a woman's webforum is astonishing.

There’s absolutely nothing misogynistic about my post. I’m not the one claiming if a woman doesn’t choose an abortion, she’s the one responsible for the resulting baby. I can imagine there’s a few fathers on here that would take issue with that:

She chose to have him, that's the bottom line, so most of it should be on her.

Your exact words. Imagine hating women this much, I pity you.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:46

@Dothepropeller21

Agree this thread is quite sad. My mum has my son several times a week while I work which she offered to do. Luckily my step dad views my son as his own grandchild and is more than happy to have him whenever. It would cause a huge strain on my relationship with mum if my stepdad started refusing for him to come over. 21 is still very young, yes he made the decision to have a child, but I don't think you should be making it difficult for your son to have a relationship with his child. Having a child he is unlikely to get a room in a shared house and I couldn't have afforded to rent on my own at that age. It will end up meaning the child cannot see their father as often. I understand it's also your husband's house, but I think it's really sad that he clearly doesn't view this child as his own grandchild. My views are very biased though as I have two wonderful stepparents that my children refer to as grandparents and I can't imagine it any other way.
@Dothepropeller21 How old is your son, and does your mum have him during the day when you work, or at night? Because if she has him during the day, then your situation is not comparable to the OP's. The OP is having a less than one year old baby 2 worknights a week, when the DH has to get up at 3am. I feel people are missing the pertinent points here. He is fine with him being over for the weekends, but not two nights during the workweek. When he has to get up at 3am. I honestly don't see why the DH is being unreasonable there.
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 19:50

@Pumperthepumper

We've been talking about a newborn - or less than one year old as the subject of this topic all along. Do keep up. It never was about anything else. The rest of your misogynistic post doesn't deserve dignifying. That you wrote it on a woman's webforum is astonishing.

There’s absolutely nothing misogynistic about my post. I’m not the one claiming if a woman doesn’t choose an abortion, she’s the one responsible for the resulting baby. I can imagine there’s a few fathers on here that would take issue with that:

She chose to have him, that's the bottom line, so most of it should be on her.

Your exact words. Imagine hating women this much, I pity you.

@Pumperthepumper Lol, pitiful indeed. Your misogyny shines through. You genuinely can't see why a woman would have more than equal claim to a newborn child?

NO WHERE did I say she should have had an abortion, just stating a BIOLOGICAL FACT that women, by mere fact that we bond with them in utero and breastfeed and a mother usually has custody most of the time, as is in THIS situation, we naturally have more of a claim to a child. You're either trolling or else if you honestly need it explained to you WHY mothers tend to have custody of their newborns, then you aren't of the required intelligence needed to participate in this discussion.

Dothepropeller21 · 03/05/2021 19:53

@CokeDrinker he's 18 months. My step dad works shifts so is often sleeping when my son is over and he certainly isn't quiet!