I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

@AvaCallanach He is selfishly distracting his siblings studying for exams as well as interrupting the sleep of a man who has to get up at 3am and run dangerous heavy industrial equipment. Yet he wants to intrude on this. How is that not selfish?!?? Sure, be a father, but don't inconvenience others, he could look after the child during the day to give her a bit of a break. I just think he just has to wait until the child is say three years old and no longer screams and cries, for over-nights. It is what it is. I'd say you can't have him stay here over night until he's 3, sorry, but that's it. Her son has just got to accept it. You can't 'take responsibility as a father' while inconveniencing someone else. It doesn't work that way. That's not being responsible. The working man (or person) in this instance has right of way, so to speak.

@BlueSussex

I am a bit confused and agree it would help if OP came back and clarified.

Taking the DGS out of it, what happened before OP? Assuming that if he gets up at 3am, DH goes to be between 7 and 8pm, he has managed up until now to sleep without killing himself next day, despite normal family noise, yes? Or do you all have to creep around, no TV on etc because DH refuses to wear ear plugs?

If the former, how come a one year old making a noise as they go to sleep around the same time as DH is causing him so much distress? If the latter, you have facilitated a horrible living environment for all of you.

If OP thinks her life would be better without her husband in it, she is perfectly entitled to make that decision, same as anybody else.

@BlueSussex Everyone keeps saying the baby is one year old, but I haven't read anywhere where the OP says the baby's age. Just that the baby was born last year. It could be 5 months old, for all we know.

Regardless, re noise, a screaming newborn/infant is a sound that goes right through you and reverberates right through the house (and block). It is a noise like no other and can be extremely unnerving. I think a tv mid-way to turned down is different than the ear-piercing screaming of a baby. A baby's cry/scream is something that is extremely difficult for many to cope with, it is not just ordinary household noise.

It's not so much as letting the terror get away with it as doing what is best for the baby. The baby is already here. Obviously , long term, the GS will be better off if his father can live independently and have a good job. So supporting him temporarily while he is studying makes sense to me.

And if you marry someone, whether they have DC or not, you sometimes have to do through unexpected trials. It happens to most of us eventually : illness, financial issues, work problems, accidents, family problems. Of course you can walk away if it gets too much, but why take vows if you are not prepared to stick with the rough as well as the smooth? (Not including adultery in this one which is a different matter altogether, I am talking about events outside either of the op's or her dh's control). This is one of those situations. I'm sure a compromise could be made here if everyone sat around and talked about it honestly. It will be hard for everyone concerned but sometimes life is a bit crap like that and it's how you react to the crapness that makes the difference. Do you support your other half and work towards solutions? Or do you make an already difficult situation harder? The son has to step up though and do his bit and take the baby out if the op's DH is napping during the day. And he can't use living with his mother and her DH as an excuse not to fully parent when he is there.

SHE chose to have the baby!

WTAF 😂 so because a woman doesn’t have an abortion that means that the baby’s father doesn’t have to do his fair share?

He can look after the baby during the day

You must have missed the part about the OPs DS being at college and working.

The baby shouldn't be away from it's
mother over night at this stage anyway.

As long as the baby isn’t exclusively breast feeding that’s nonsense.

And how is her DH (who incidentally HASN'T said he 'doesn't want to wear earplugs', the OP is just assuming he
wouldn't) to hear his alarm go off for work,
with earplugs?

He said “why should I?” When the OP suggested it. I think that’s the same as saying he won’t.

And I wear earplugs and always hear my alarm, as it’s about 18” away from my head!

For the child to be disturbing OPs husband from downstairs in the dining room I am guessing this isn’t just normal crying but probably full on melt downs which is why it’s disturbing him so I think maybe a compromise needs to be made, that’s what you do when you’re a family.

I wear earplugs because I live in a house of snorers and they don’t block that much noise out, also OPs husband hasn’t said he wouldn’t wear them, she’s just assuming he won’t.

I appreciate the whole situation isn’t ideal, but the baby is here now and and unfortunately the OPs DS needs to do his bit with caring for the child.

To everyone saying “get a council flat”, this is unlikely as the DS is a healthy single male and isn’t the FT carer for his baby.

“Get a FT job and move out”, In the majority of areas in the UK, I doubt a 21 yo on minimum wage could afford to rent his own place and pay bills, on top of child support.

@19lottie82

SHE chose to have the baby!

WTAF 😂 so because a woman doesn’t have an abortion that means that the baby’s father doesn’t have to do his fair share?

He can look after the baby during the day

You must have missed the part about the OPs DS being at college and working.

The baby shouldn't be away from it's
mother over night at this stage anyway.

As long as the baby isn’t exclusively breast feeding that’s nonsense.

And how is her DH (who incidentally HASN'T said he 'doesn't want to wear earplugs', the OP is just assuming he
wouldn't) to hear his alarm go off for work,
with earplugs?

He said “why should I?” When the OP suggested it. I think that’s the same as saying he won’t.

And I wear earplugs and always hear my alarm, as it’s about 18” away from my head!

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

She hasn't even suggested it yet. She might be right and he'll refuse. But she hasn't even tried.

@19lottie82

SHE chose to have the baby!

WTAF 😂 so because a woman doesn’t have an abortion that means that the baby’s father doesn’t have to do his fair share?

He can look after the baby during the day

You must have missed the part about the OPs DS being at college and working.

The baby shouldn't be away from it's
mother over night at this stage anyway.

As long as the baby isn’t exclusively breast feeding that’s nonsense.

And how is her DH (who incidentally HASN'T said he 'doesn't want to wear earplugs', the OP is just assuming he
wouldn't) to hear his alarm go off for work,
with earplugs?

He said “why should I?” When the OP suggested it. I think that’s the same as saying he won’t.

And I wear earplugs and always hear my alarm, as it’s about 18” away from my head!

What it means is he doesn't HAVE to have the baby at night.

And what, she doesn't work or go to college in the day?

It may be nonsense to you, but Social Services do not advise it or recommend it.

Sun 02-May-21 21:57:07 Carmelle said:
If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

IF.....I suggested.....he 'would' say. Read it carefully. She hasn't even suggested it or asked him.

He will be 1 next week!
If he wakes it's only once, he has eczema so I think it's that that wakes him up itching sad
Husbands a bin Nan an gets up at 3.am !

The baby is one years old. He mainly sleeps through unless his excema is bothering him.

The op asked her DH to wear ear plugs and his response was "why should I?"

@19lottie82

SHE chose to have the baby!

WTAF 😂 so because a woman doesn’t have an abortion that means that the baby’s father doesn’t have to do his fair share?

He can look after the baby during the day

You must have missed the part about the OPs DS being at college and working.

The baby shouldn't be away from it's
mother over night at this stage anyway.

As long as the baby isn’t exclusively breast feeding that’s nonsense.

And how is her DH (who incidentally HASN'T said he 'doesn't want to wear earplugs', the OP is just assuming he
wouldn't) to hear his alarm go off for work,
with earplugs?

He said “why should I?” When the OP suggested it. I think that’s the same as saying he won’t.

And I wear earplugs and always hear my alarm, as it’s about 18” away from my head!

Sorry, forgot this:

And I wear earplugs and always hear my alarm, as it’s about 18” away from my head!

Well, if that's the case, how do you think earplugs will block out a neighbourhood-waking, ear-piercing baby screams then, @19lottie82 ?

"He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work."

Your husband is right - it's not practical mid-week. But he doesn't seem to be objecting to weekends, is he? Given that your husband has to get up at 3am, and I presume go to bed earlier too, I think some consideration should be shown to him!

Your house sounds a bit crowded, since your eldest son is sleeping in the dining room. And the dining room - what's the layout? If it's open-plan then sound could be travelling more than it should. If it's a separate room, could some sound-insulation be rigged up to muffle it enough for your husband to sleep through it? Or in your bedroom where your husband is trying to sleep? Heavy door curtains and the like.

"Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend."
Well what they want can't really happen without seriously compromising your husband's sleeping pattern, can it? As I was frequently told as a child 'I want doesn't mean I get' . I think your son and his ex need to start taking account of other people's needs too, not just their own. That's an access pattern that would work fine if your son had his own place - but he doesn't. How close is he to being able to move out and be independent?

I really think you need to stop arguing with your husband about this and back him up. His shift pattern is gruelling, he needs to sleep, his sleep is being disturbed by your grandson, more effort needs to be made by you and your son to make this work. Your husband is not being unreasonable here.

Has anyone else noticed this has appeared in the DM as a story?

Apologies if already highlighted I haven’t been back through the whole thread.

@Forwardroll

*He will be 1 next week! If he wakes it's only once, he has eczema so I think it's that that wakes him up itching sad Husbands a bin Nan an gets up at 3.am !*

The baby is one years old. He mainly sleeps through unless his excema is bothering him.

The op asked her DH to wear ear plugs and his response was "why should I?"

Thanks for that, @Forwardroll I read that post but didn't register that first sentence.

The OP said IF I suggested earplug he would probably say why should I. She hasn't even asked him. Just assuming what he'll say (she may be right though, but at the moment it's just an assumption).

What it means is he doesn't HAVE to have the baby at night.

Technically neither does she. They both brought this child into the world and need to work together to care for it.

And what, she doesn't work or go to
college in the day?

Exactly. My point can be applied just reverse the roles.

CokeDrinker quite right I didn't read that properly.

Presumably the mother of this baby has done the bulk of the parenting for the last year bulk the father more time to study and work. If people are going to make a case for the child staying with one parent and just visiting the other during the day, it is probably dad’s turn to transition to primary caregiver so mom has a chance to focus on her studies.

Dad can transition to primary caregiver once he has his own place to live. Until then the health, welfare and rights of those such as the DH who works for the household takes precedence.

Dad can transition to primary caregiver once he has his own place to live. Until then the health, welfare and rights of those such as the DH who works for the
household takes precedence.

But why does this also not apply to the babies mother and her family?

@19lottie82

Dad can transition to primary caregiver once he has his own place to live. Until then the health, welfare and rights of those such as the DH who works for the household takes precedence.

But why does this also not apply to the babies mother and her family?

It does in their own house.

@19lottie82

Dad can transition to primary caregiver once he has his own place to live. Until then the health, welfare and rights of those such as the DH who works for the household takes precedence.

But why does this also not apply to the babies mother and her family?

It does. But that is not DH's responsibility. The baby's mother chose to have the baby. The DH, did not. His life should not be affected, at least not to this degree that it's every second weekend and 2 days of the working week the other week. That is excessive. Fine if the son has his own home/place, but not fine if you are imposing on the DH. Which is something the son (and his ex) had 9 months (or there abouts) to consider and come up with a workable and acceptable solution. Almost one year on and they still haven't been responsible enough to actually have something settled and in place. Maybe the baby should be given to someone else responsible to raise, ie neither the mother or the father of the baby. Adoption maybe?

CokeDrinker but why does the DHs want to not have the child in his home trump that of the family of the baby’s mother?

Yeah…… of course give the baby up for adoption, what a great solution ! 🙄

Almost one year on and they still haven't been responsible enough to actually have something settled and in place

and what do you actually expect the OPs DS to do , if even with full time work, he wouldn’t be able to afford his own place and child maintenance? That’s not uncommon in many (if not the majority) areas in the UK.

And please no comments about what he should have done retrospectively. The child is here now and he can’t change that.

@BittyBatHats

It's not as if they even have a bedroom. They're camped out in the dining room. There's nothing to stop the son applying for a one bed council flat. What's the message to the younger boys? Don't worry if you get a girl pregnant mum will sort it and be pleased about it? I wouldn't be remotely happy in the stepdads shoes.

Haaahaaa! A council flat for a 21-year-old who doesn't have the kid full time. Like unicorn poo in most councils. Talk about messages, 'Sprog someone up and get a council flat.' In most councils he'll get nowt. It's not their fault he has a kid.

@merrynelly

I'm going to go against the grain and say I would never ask my son to move out. I chose to have him and will help and support him in any way I can. Just because he is 21 does not mean he is ready to move out, and it seems you've said he's not in a position to either. I think western culture is too quick to kick our children out. Love and support is what everyone wants and he clearly needs your help right now so that he can see his son. Your husband could be a bit more compassionate

yes i agree so much with this , my dd is 12 ,but im never going to make her feel once shes a young adult she has to leave home

@cokedrinker

If you set aside the particular housing issue of the moment, I’m curious...
Do you believe the mother and father of an infant have an equal responsibility for the child’s care and well-bring?

Note I’m not asking if you believe if all couples must always divide all work exactly 50:50, I mean the general question of responsibility for the child.