I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

@Cocomarine

Only 21 years old and already an ex with a baby, when he doesn’t work full time or even have his own proper room, let his alone his own home. I don’t blame your husband for not liking the situation.

But, end of the day, a child deserves to be properly cared for by their father, and a mother deserves not to be expected to do all the care.

So yes, I think you should support your son in having the child with you, even if that’s to the detriment of your marriage.

It’s a shambles of a situation. Let’s say that OP did support her son and agreed to the extra nights against DH wishes, DH decides that he’s had enough of his feelings, wishes and well-being put behind everyone else in the family and decides to leave. Would OP be able to continue supporting the whole family with housing, food etc. after he’s gone?

Frankly I think OP is acting pretty selfishly by not having consideration for her husbands wishes. Sounds like he’s already done a fair bit of compromising in this situation as it is. Why should he be the only one that has to compromise?

I’ve come back to this thread and I think as long as your Son has a plan and a goal to save and try and better himself I would not turf him out wasting money on rent and bills.

Too late for should of.... OP you are here now.

Your husband has a nasty tone and I agree with another poster they are not his kids!

The baby is 1 years old is the noise really a big issue . I used to do nights and have little to no sleep and go and work a 13 hour shift! And when DS started school I would get around 5hours sleep....

Whilst I would make every effort to support all of my children under any circumstances, Ofc my husbands wishes would also need to be considered - so who on earth the fuck are these people nonchantly telling the OP to sling her poor husband out or that they’d never put a man, any man above her kids?!

He’s not just ‘any man’ he’s her husband of 12 years, who has an equal voice and an equal say in their equal bloody home that presumable he equally works for and finances! Same goes for those bleating on about how parents can’t choose when they parent and whatever - unfortunately the son (nor his ex) are in a position to decide for OP and her husband when the son is able to have the baby overnight. Son might live there and possibly contribute but it’s OP and husbands house, and ultimately their decision.. equally.

I sympathise OP I really do, this doesn’t sound like an easy situation for any of you. It sounds as though weekends only is the option for compromise at the moment.

the only person 'struggling' appears to be
the husband

😂 what about the baby’s mother and her family? Should they have to do all of the work just because the OPs DH doesn’t want to wear earplugs?

[quote CokeDrinker]**@KurtWilde* OP says "Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend*."[/quote]
*Miasicarisatia

If I was working a demanding physical job to support the family and getting up at 3 am I would expect my sleep and wellbeing to be prioritised

+1000
It's not rocket science, is it? Well, it shouldn't be. Some people those seem to have been raised with no common sense or thought for anyone else. Pamper selfish brats just because their your son. NO*

In what way is it selfish for a young man to want to look after his son one or two nights a week?
Fucking hell.
This man hasn't tried earplugs or any other arrangement to protect his sleep. What if the baby's mother lives with her parents who also have to get up for work? Or does their disturbed sleep not matter at all?

There is a baby at the back of this, who has a father who is trying, in difficult circumstances, to do his bit. No doubt you rant about young men who abandon women to raise their children alone with no help or support.
Yes ideally he would have been set up in his own place and earning before a baby came along. But that ship has sailed. Do you really think it's more important for a grown man to sleep without the inconvenience or earplugs once in his work week than for a young man to parent his child? I despair.

Isn't there any way your dh can be protected from the noise of the crying? How many bedrooms have you got? Maybe soundproof your ds' room?
In my head I think it would be all ok if dh wasn't here.
It'd be all ok if ds wasn't here either, wasn't it?

wouldn't it?

If ds is in the dining room - is that downstairs? And its waking dh upstairs?

OP are you coming back..?

I agree with your husband. It is his home too, your 21 yo shouldn't really be there, but the fact you all decided to have a permanent arrangement to have the baby overnight without consulting him is extremely unfair

I can see both sides, why can’t your son get his own place?

It’s awful that your 21 year old DS and his baby are living in the dining room. Your house sounds overcrowded and stressful.

He needs to get a full time job and rent a flat. Part time hours won’t help his situation. Why didn’t he go to college as a teenager? He’s not a teen dad. He needs to step up his game and make a life for his DC.

The big difference here is that the OPs son is now an adult and made a big adult decision to have a child. Being an adult means that as their parents we might like or want to help out, but our main job is done as they are not a child anymore. If there are urgent situations such as running away from abuse, then that is different.

So the OPs husband is not being mean in anyway as it’s one thing to compromise for children, but another to compromise for an adult child.

I would not have wanted my step daughters to live with me if they had children. Absolutely no way. My nights being woken up by a baby are done. It doesn’t matter to me if that impinges upon the idea that as a step parent you have to 100% compromise forever. It’s my life and I’ve done my bit and more to raise children, and there it ends. A baby takes over a house, it just does.

If there was an urgent situation that would be OK, but it would have to be time limited. If my partner had decided he needed to house his adult daughters and their child, then I would just leave the home as that would be a deal breaker for me.

I am a bit confused and agree it would help if OP came back and clarified.

Taking the DGS out of it, what happened before OP? Assuming that if he gets up at 3am, DH goes to be between 7 and 8pm, he has managed up until now to sleep without killing himself next day, despite normal family noise, yes? Or do you all have to creep around, no TV on etc because DH refuses to wear ear plugs?

If the former, how come a one year old making a noise as they go to sleep around the same time as DH is causing him so much distress? If the latter, you have facilitated a horrible living environment for all of you.

If OP thinks her life would be better without her husband in it, she is perfectly entitled to make that decision, same as anybody else.

I don't really know what to suggest for you OP but I hope that you get some respite from what sounds like a very stressful situation.
It does seem weird though that on threads like this lots of people say 'I'd do anything for my children, they'll always be my children' etc but there are threads up at the same time where the OP is told she is totally unreasonable to 'expect' any help from her parents...
My kids are small but I find things like this really tricky as can never imagine seeing them struggle but also not wanting to do too much much for them and not enjoy my later life.

If my partner had decided he needed to house his adult daughters and their child, then I would just leave the home as that would be a deal breaker for me.

I agree with this too, that is how I would feel. I think if the OPs DH cannot hack it, they should split up. I absolutely would not be turfing out my adult child in a situation like this though. He may have been sleeping in the dining room for years and years, I know plenty of people who have repurposed dining rooms as bedrooms rather than move.

It also depends if the livingroom has always been the 21 yo's bedroom or did it become that once the baby came along, which is another significant change.

@KurtWilde What is 'bullshit' about a person who needs to work not being able to change his set hours, and a spoiled mummy's boy who can see the baby in the day but chooses to tear up his family instead?

@KaleSlayer

What's the 'only'? He's there at least 2 nights every week, whether that be weekend week or off-week. He's there for an entire weekend out of every second weekend. It's way too much already.

Some people seem to be saying that the baby is there every other weekend and 2 weeknights every week. That’s the ‘only’. HTH.

And the baby is. So it's hardly 'only'. HTH.

@Bimblingaway Thank goodness for your common sense and you're right.

If DH decided to leave the OP (and if I were him, I would seriously be considering it), he could immediately ask for the house to be sold/put up for sale. Unless OP can afford to buy the DH out, she will have to move, with her current dependents, into a much smaller house, and then the son and his baby would not be able to stay. So DH could really fuck her up if he wanted to. Which is why I suggest to the OP that she back off, back up her husband and support her husband and her marriage. Her son is doing his level best to tear her family apart, and she is letting the terror get away with it. If she had any smarts at all she would know not to rock the boat with her marriage because she will be left with fuck all if he decides to leave.

@Bul21ia

I’ve come back to this thread and I think as long as your Son has a plan and a goal to save and try and better himself I would not turf him out wasting money on rent and bills.

Too late for should of.... OP you are here now.

Your husband has a nasty tone and I agree with another poster they are not his kids!

The baby is 1 years old is the noise really a big issue . I used to do nights and have little to no sleep and go and work a 13 hour shift! And when DS started school I would get around 5hours sleep....

@Bul21ia Ok, what? You appear to be making things up here. OP has not said the husband said anything. We don't KNOW what he said, or what 'tone' he used. All we know is that as the provider for the family who has to get up at 3am and run heavy industrial machinery, he quite rightly wants to be in a fit enough state to work.

What is wrong with that???

@joysexrenovated

Whilst I would make every effort to support all of my children under any circumstances, Ofc my husbands wishes would also need to be considered - so who on earth the fuck are these people nonchantly telling the OP to sling her poor husband out or that they’d never put a man, any man above her kids?!

He’s not just ‘any man’ he’s her husband of 12 years, who has an equal voice and an equal say in their equal bloody home that presumable he equally works for and finances! Same goes for those bleating on about how parents can’t choose when they parent and whatever - unfortunately the son (nor his ex) are in a position to decide for OP and her husband when the son is able to have the baby overnight. Son might live there and possibly contribute but it’s OP and husbands house, and ultimately their decision.. equally.

I sympathise OP I really do, this doesn’t sound like an easy situation for any of you. It sounds as though weekends only is the option for compromise at the moment.

Well said!!!!

@JasperHale

OP are you coming back..?

She hid the thread wayyyy back!

@19lottie82

the only person 'struggling' appears to be the husband

😂 what about the baby’s mother and her family? Should they have to do all of the work just because the OPs DH doesn’t want to wear earplugs?

😂 SHE chose to have the baby! He can look after the baby during the day. The baby shouldn't be away from it's mother over-night at this stage anyway.

And how is her DH (who incidentally HASN'T said he 'doesn't want to wear earplugs', the OP is just assuming he wouldn't) to hear his alarm go off for work, with earplugs? 😂😂

"to hear his alarm go off for work, with earplugs?"

Where can I buy such good earplugs?