My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

She sounds like a really good friend but I understand why you feel uncomfortable with it. Have you mentioned it? You could frame it as, you’re very appreciative of her actions and thank her, but there’s really no need as you want to pay for yourself (and can afford to?) and you don’t want her to think you’re taking advantage?

She sounds lovely! I would let her do this for you and treat her when you are in a position to do so.

She seems lovely, OP! How amazing to have a friend who loves you so much and cares about you. Tell her how you feel, she's been your friend for so long!

She really is lovely and I know she does this to take the pressure off me and she just wants to treat me. I know it's not a case of her feeling sorry for me or being patronising. I just wish I could repay her in the same way. My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.

I would put away money each time she does this and when you can afford it, present her with a voucher for a spa day/afternoon or something for you both. A voucher so she can't jump in & pay for you.

@Wheelerdeeler that's a great idea!

She caN afford it aNd wants to
Just reoay as you say nice tea
And when you can later

When I was a student and had friends with jobs they would say ‘pass it on’ when they paid so that’s what I’ve done and I say the same now to more junior colleagues or friends who are doing courses etc. It’s a great feeling to be able to be generous with no expectation of anything back so that’s my reward. Could you frame it to yourself like that?

The afternoon tea at your house is a lovely idea too

Didn't want to read and run, but your friend sounds really lovely OP.

I would suggest an afternoon tea too :) or some nice baked goods just to show her you really appreciate her

Ordet what you want. they can choose to pay separately if they feel like you ordered something too expensive.

She is being nice and wants to support you and I understand why she is doing it. I also understand why you feel uncomfortable. Especially giving money "just because". But since she is a good friend, you can tell her that you would like to pay your own way and her paying makes you uncimfortable. Not at the till, but when you are sat down. If she refuses to listen, the she is not a such a great friend.

If I was a millionaire (or married to one) I'd be more than happy to foot the bill for my friends.

As long as she's doing it in a nice way, enjoy her friendship. Pay her back in ways you can afford (i.e helping her move/decorate/lifts/whatever).

I have been your friend in the past so this might help you?

When I was between ages 25-30 I become rich very quickly, like half a mill into my bank account from setting up and selling a business.
None of me or my friends were rich before this.
During this time I treated a lot of my friends to meals out and holidays.
I chose to spend time with them, doing stuff we loved. Yes we could of done cheap things, but I had the money and wanted to spend it!
I’m easy come easy go..... for me it’s just a currency to be enjoyed.

I’m now back to ‘normal’ levels of income, still the same friends and now we treat each other equally :)

Just speak to her about it - say you feel worried about the inequality, and if she’s ok and you’re ok then I say just enjoy!

She sounds lovely!

I wouldn’t try and ‘pay it back’ financially as, in all probability, you’d just be giving her something she could have bought on a whim anyway. However a lovely card sent through the post saying how much you appreciate all the little things she does for you would really touch my heart if I was in her situation.

Sounds like she's making good choices that she knows would be a stretch for you - the vice take away, this restaurant etc so she's paying because taking her skint friend to expensive places and expecting her to keep up is a bit shit.

You could you to her. Say is lovely that she treats you but you want just to know that you don't expect her to do it, you don't want her to ever feel obliged etc.

Oh and yes, my friends have been absolute rocks for me when I needed it - and I hope vice versa..... just don’t let money get in the way of what sounds like a wonderful friendship

My best friend lost her job and became a mother within months of each other. I often treated her, because I could and she needed the support.

Roll on a few years and she’s back working and we now pay for ourselves.

Things even out eventually, no doubt her paying makes her happy. I doubt you are taking the piss, so let her do this until you get your first wage and then take her out for a posh dinner.

I do this with a friend who has been through some real struggles. I just make it clear at the start “tonight’s on me”. She will come to mine now and again to spend the evening chatting and drinking wine and she always comes laden with wine, cheese, loads of nibbles and flowers. I don’t expect that but it’s her way of “paying back” I guess.

@TheSockMonster

She sounds lovely!

I wouldn’t try and ‘pay it back’ financially as, in all probability, you’d just be giving her something she could have bought on a whim anyway. However a lovely card sent through the post saying how much you appreciate all the little things she does for you would really touch my heart if I was in her situation.

I agree with this. I don't think gratitude is saving up the money someone saved you and returning it to them. She's trying to save you money when she visits, it would be weird to essentially find out your saved that money each visit so could a.actually easily afford it all but haven't made that clear b. Have gone without to save it which is a bit of a slap in the face.

Speak to her, let her know you're grateful bit don't respect it and when you've got a good job, take her out to celebrate

My sister does similar & I do know how you feel. I just make a big effort when it's time to get her gifts. The gifts mightn't be very expensive but I put a lot of thought into finding things that she will like and will make her feel cared for. Things that are personal and abut her comfort- slippers, pajamas, body lotion etc. You have a lot of history together so you know her! Theres a reason you've been friends for years, you obviously have a great relationship & she values you.

She sounds like an amazing friend, but why didn't you pay for her takeaway coffee when you had the chance? It's an affordable way just to acknowledge her kindness and generosity, and say thanks.
I can't understand this at all, and would have been embarrassed not to take the chance to treat her for once.

For a long time I was the rich one in a particular friendship and the friend was the poor one. I paid for more stuff. Now the tables have turned, and she pays more.

I found it very hard to become the 'receiver' but in the end I gave myself a slap and remembered that when the chips were down and we needed big support from each other (divorce, widowed, family problems etc) it made no difference which one of us was rich or poor.

So get over it, let her treat you, and carry on being a great friend. Your turn will come.

She can afford it and wants to - she probably really values your friendship far more than you realise. Personally if it was me I'd perhaps mention it makes me feel a little awkward. If she insists though take her offer and just thank her. Perhaps you could lay on a tea for you all at home, make it a bit special with a homemade cake (no need to spend the earth) just make it personal. Her fav colour icing, or scone/jam/cream combo or similar.

I had a friend (now passed away) who was so lovely, she couldn't afford lots and I was happy to pay for both of us. I worried about making her feel awkward but honestly I was just happy to have my friend with me.

I think it's kind and generous that she treats you from time to time, but I wouldn't like someone putting £ into my bank account 'just because'. That would make me feel like a charity case

I have been on benefits in the past and and am now doing quite well. I enjoy sharing what i have with others. I treat a friend to a haircut this weekend. She was feeling very
Low and couldn't afford it and she now feels good about herself.

I think doing small thoughtful low cost things as a thankyou. Like the afternoon tea suggestion or baking a cake etc is a lovely idea and shows your appreciation. If if you are creative something crafty.

Your friend clearly knows you appreciate it as she does things repeatedly.

I can understand why putting money into your bank makes you feel a bit uncomfortable though-that is perhaps the one element that might be crossing a line.

One day you will be able to pay it forwards.