My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

@Derbee that is soooo lovely of you. It actually made me cry. I hope your friends know how lucky they are.

Pay the tip with your money?

Buy her a bunch of flowers/bottle of wine before she leaves?

My best mate has recently split from her husband of 20+ years.
Money is going to be VERY tight for her whereas l am in a much better financial position and if me paying whenever we go out means l get to see her then l don't care if l pay every time.
I would pay for her to go on holiday too if it meant we got to have some quality time together but absolutely wouldn't expect anything back.
But l can see why you feel a bit awks OP and am sure there is a subtle way of saying it without sounding ungrateful.

May she feels guilty if

She sounds lovely and this might have already been said but if the roles were reversed wouldn’t you do exactly the same for her?
There are other ways you can thank her - cook a meal, bake a cake, handmade card with a photo of you and the kiddies x

Sorry fat fingers may be she also feel guilty if she chooses to go to expensive places with you . May be tell her you would feel better if the bill is shared. However, if you know that she can easily afford it do not feel too bad.

She loves and cares about you

Sounds as though you have a lovely friend who really enjoys spending time with you. It's not surprising you feel awkward - perhaps you should reiterate that you are very appreciative, but be graceful so you don’t embarrass her. It sounds as though you have a wonderful friendship and if your circumstances were the other way round you would be equally as financially generous to her.
And yes a little gift from time to time that you can share together would be nice. A summer picnic for instance?

I have a friend like this. When I try to pay she wont allow it and insists she can afford it. I overcame it by insisting we take turns to pay before I agree to go out with her for a meal (we usually eat out regularly). She reluctantly had to agree. Now she's used to taking turns but i noticed how happy she looks when I pay (she still trys to accidentally pay..). I don't think anyone else ever pays their way with her and let's her pay all the time (she will tell staff not to take your card and always gives tips). I think she now unexpected appreciates being treated herself !

I understand why you feel uncomfortable. However, if money isn’t as much “value” to her because there is an abundance then what she does value is your friendship, a different currency. She maybe gets more from your time together than she could ever buy. I guess it’s just how what you place value on, money for most of us has important value for obvious reasons of necessity but for those who have an abundance of money then I guess they just use it for what they really value, good friendships.
Maybe just speak to her about paying for yourself some of the time, or coming to eat at your house, whatever you are comfortable with. She sounds lovely, as do you, so you’ll work it out.

I think you are super lucky , sounds like you have a very solid, generous and trusted friendship :D however I find it’s the simplicity of a gift that means the most not the cost. maybe get some flowers delivered , a note /nice card just to say thanks , a photo collage or even a photo mug or something sentimental . her fav chocolates , scented candle ... whatever she is into. Something for herself .
all are thoughtful little gifts, things that you know she would love and will show that you have taken the time to select and send her ‘just because’ .

This may help you feel better about the situation and show her that you are genuinely grateful for her support and friendship. These things are all inexpensive and can be sent every now and then to show that you appreciate and are thinking of her . I would also let her know how you are feeling , If i were in the same shoes I too would be sharing and including the ppl who I love and care for . I’m sure the majority of us would too. Dont over think it but if it’s bothering you, defo talk to her and think about the little thoughtful gifts that despite her wealth would mean a lot I’m sure if she received as a surprise one day.

One of the hardest things some of us learn is how to accept graciously. It is so much easier to be on the giving end of things than the getting! And it is even harder when it seems that you are always on the "gettng" end. A pretty card with a very thoughtful personal note would be, I'm sure, welcome. Another thing you might do is to make a regular (but small) donation to a charity that you know she supports (or would if she knew about it), and do so "in honor of". Tell her that since you cannot ever pay her back, you are paying it forward.

I pay more than my best friend does when are out. She would in the opposite situation. I don’t mind paying more as we couldn’t do some of the things I actively choose to do if we split the costs of my choice

The paying money into the bank is proper weird though. I would never do that

I think you have to ask yourself how you would be in her position. I know if I was in her position and I had a friend or family that was studying ect I would absolutely want to treat them with no arguments. Definitely speak to her about it but I would just accept her kindness. If you’re offering to pay she will know you’re not taking the mik. She sounds wonderful :)

I’d tell her and take her for coffee rather than a slap up dinner x

@junebirthdaygirl

I'm sure it's lovely for her when she comes back to see her Mum that she has a friend there and has that nice social element as well. So she probably appreciates what you bring to the relationship too. I wouldn't be doing any of the giving back as it's not what she needs. Just being there for her, remembering her birthday etc and generally being a good friend. I was wondering if her parents were getting elderly and you live in the same area could you pop in to see they are OK and be a bit of company for them that might take a bit of worry off her. Saying that they may be flying. My brother absolutely loves to treat people. He is so generous and would be hurt if l tried to pay him back in any way. I just keep in touch as much as l can and hopefully be an addition to his life.

This is excellent advice.

DONT try to pay her back with money - she has plenty and you have very little. Pay her back with kindness and thoughtfulness and just being a great friend.

Remember she gets as much out of the friendship as you do, otherwise she wouldn’t be in it. Don’t think of it as one way - it’s mutual love and respect . We all bring different things to the table.

When your circumstances are different you can pay it forward.

Maybe make her something - a cake or a dish of lasagne or something - "just because" ? And then enjoy whatever gifts and treats she chooses to give you for now. Once you have your degree and are in work you can start insisting on paying your way.

I dont think you have to "pay it back" financially. I'm sure you are giving back to her in other ways, which is why she values your friendship. Money is just one unit of measurement.
You also say you are a young mum and it sounds like your friend isnt? Does she enjoy spending time with your child?
I am childless but have a best friend from schooldays who had her son young.. I cant tell you how much joy it gives me to be his "auntie ". He is the gift my friend gives me every day. If she seems similarly minded I know that one way to "treat" her is to not be stingy with your kids time...even some days when maybe you're tired, dont cancel plans to meet, offer to her if she wants to come to the play park with you both, dont assume she wont want to join in with "boring kid stuff"...some parents seem to think this and that they need to 'spare' their childless friends having to hang out with their kids. Maybe she enjoys it, and of she doesnt she will say. Of course I dont know her, but that is one way I would consider my friend "paying me back" as it were...when she embraces me as part of her kids life.

I totally get why you feel the way you do, but as long as you don't let the money change the dynamic of the friendship, you don't expect it and are always ready to pay for your own, etc. I'd keep as you are. Money isn't the only thing in this friendship. Think of all the things about her that you love and think of all the things you bring to the table too. Friendship isn't transactional. Being present, sharing a part of your lives with each other, listening, laughing, loving. They're all are more important than money.

As others have said, your friend sounds like she just really values your friendship. She is probably feeling like she doesn't want to be a burden on you when she comes to stay as she knows money is tight and it isn't for her. If money isn't an issue for her then she won't give a second thought to paying.
When you go to the restaurant with them just order what you want and don't feel bad. I bet your friend would feel awful if she thought you were ordering the cheapest thing because they are paying. Also, I'm going to guess that they are probably choosing a pricier restaurant that they know might be a stretch for you to pay for. I know I would rather pay for my friend and a more expensive restaurant than go somewhere cheaper I didn't like.
As others have said, there are other ways you can pay her back - you don't need the financial equivalent. Maybe talk to her about the money in the bank if you are really uncomfortable with it. You could ask her to stop that.
I have paid for a spa weekend before with a friend as I wanted to go with her, I knew she probably couldn't afford it, but could also do with the break. But the reward for me was spending a lovely weekend with my friend!

Your friend sounds really nice.
Some people get more pleasure from giving than receiving. I always pay when I go out for a meal with my single parent daughter, however I do let her pay if we just go for a coffee.

No useful advice. I wish you were my Friend, I'm utterly skint due to horrendous debts from a bad breakup years ago where ex stole Everything and ran up debts in my
Name. When I visit my best friend, there's silence at the end of the meal Abs a stand off until I end up paying, when she visits me, exactly the same. We stayed overnight at a hotel before covid and I booked it and had to go on and on at her to pay her way. Really
Uncomfy. I'm
Happy for the odd great and if we were taking turns etc but she never ever puts her hand in her pocket. I love her dearly and we've been friends nearly 3 decades but I dread seeing her. I wouldn't mind but she's actually loaded

£20 to you may be 20% of your money. £20 to her May be 0.002% of her money. Does she have siblings? This is something I’d easily do for my sister and did often when she was a student. Transfer £30 here and there for drinks or a takeaway on me. She likely sees you the same as you’ve been friends so long. It’s all relative - she sounds a good friend to me!

Everyone brings some kind of resource/value to the table, so to speak. Some bring empathy, or great wit, or money, or thoughtfulness. You may not know the resource you bring, but your friend certainly does. It just happens that one of her resources is money and she shares it with you the way you share your resources with her.

In your position I would bring it up, not necessarily to change anything, but just to be clear that you see what's she's doing (showing love) and it's meaningful to you.

I would let her pay. It's happened to me before with a close friend when I was younger. £10 or so was literally nothing to her and she was happy to be in a position to treat me. Another friend paid for our hotel so we could go away for a weekend. I was on a very low income at the time.

Since then, I have more money than other friends and tend to treat them. Again because i don't notice paying for an extra lunch etc but they would. It's a normal part of friendship to me.