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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

185 replies

foreverolddegree · 02/05/2021 10:18

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 02/05/2021 10:50

She’s your friend. I think you should be able to talk to her about this. I wouldn’t just save up and get her a gift, honestly if I were her that would upset me that you felt like there had to be some reciprocation. I know my mum had a similar situation with a friend, and the friend was really upset when my mum gave her an expensive gift as a thank you.

The likelihood is, is that she’s a wealthy woman and she likes treating her friends because she is able - it’s just coincidence that things are tight for you right now.

I think you need to say to her that it hasn’t passed you by that she’s very generous when you go out, and that you really appreciate it and would like to return the favour sometime soon.

LowlandLucky · 02/05/2021 10:51

So glad that you have a friend that loves and cares for you x

beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 10:54

She sounds like a really good friend, I would 'repay' her and do things for her that do not cost anything. Make her necklace, or a cushion. Invite her to you for dinner, and don't let her do anything. Balance out the friendship by doing things for her in return that cost very little.

caringcarer · 02/05/2021 10:55

Your friend loves you and knows you were her friend before she had money. Some of her newer friends she may only have because she has money and is generous. Let her treat you now and once you are qualified you can treat her back. Also an afternoon tea sounds lovely. You could bake her cookies to take home too.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 02/05/2021 10:56

I do this for my brother and his partner (we are all in our 30's) as I know he wouldn't enjoy a day out if it meant he didn't have enough left for bills etc

If he told me it made him uncomfortable would absolutely listen and do what he was comfortable with. It's only a couple of times a year and I only have 1 brother. It would be a different (but still enjoyable) day out if we planned based on his budget.

Just talk about it xx

Magnificentmug12 · 02/05/2021 10:58

She likes spending time with you and doing nice things together and the price of that stuff is worth her paying so she can do it with you. I was always the broke friend, now I’m doing well and always treat my friends, because I now can, but if I couldn’t they would do it for me. That’s what friendship is. Ask long as no one is taking the piss and is happy then it’s not a problem .

If you want to maybe a lovely personalised gift saying how you value the friendship and that she means a lot to you. Doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s the thought that counts.

SRS29 · 02/05/2021 10:59

OP she sounds a lovely friend...why not send her some flowers with a special note thanking her for everything she does for you? Everyone likes receiving flowers x

Whythesadface · 02/05/2021 10:59

Cinemas are about to open, you could get her some vouchers, address it to both of them and say here's a date night with extra for popcorn and drinks, because good friends are the best

GhostCurry · 02/05/2021 10:59

@TheSockMonster

She sounds lovely!

I wouldn’t try and ‘pay it back’ financially as, in all probability, you’d just be giving her something she could have bought on a whim anyway. However a lovely card sent through the post saying how much you appreciate all the little things she does for you would really touch my heart if I was in her situation.

I agree with this. OP, don’t scrimp to be able to put money aside and then give her a voucher later. Honestly - she simply doesn’t need the money. Just “pass it on”, as another person on here said, and in the meantime let her know how much you appreciate her. She clearly appreciates you too. And it gives her happiness to support someone she loves. Why take it away from her?
user1471538283 · 02/05/2021 10:59

Your friend sounds lovely. She is just trying to cushion things for you a little. Making her a home made afternoon would be lovely.

The good thing about money is that you can make a difference.

In true friendship its swings and roundabouts. I'm sure you would do this for her.

Whythesadface · 02/05/2021 11:01

I forgot my DD spent £10 and sent me my favourite sweets from Amazon. It made my day.

saraclara · 02/05/2021 11:15

Next time you go out to somewhere that's affordable to you (say a coffee place) before you even go in, say "Please let me pay for this. You're always extremely generous to me which I really appreciate, but it's important to me that I pay my way and get to treat you sometimes"

mswales · 02/05/2021 11:16

Just let her know that you really appreciate her as a friend and everything she does for you. Some people (nice people) who have a lot of money actively want to share whatever they can to combat the injustice of wealth inequality, and see it as the morally right thing to do to spend money on those who have less. Real friendship isn't transactional - you don't need to pay her back with anything other than love and kindness, which has far greater value than money. However if it is making you feel uncomfortable please have a conversation with her! You are such good friends that you will be able to talk it through and see where each other in coming from, and hopefully get to a point where you can simply enjoy her enjoyment of treating you!

Original poster
foreverolddegree · 02/05/2021 11:17

@eatsleepread it wasn't just a coffee though it was a full lunch and I honestly didn't have the money to pay for both lunches. Only my own.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/05/2021 11:17

I certainly don't think you should be accepting cash handouts. This needs to stop. Let her treat you but sometimes say this is my treat this time and insist.

Keepitonthedownlow · 02/05/2021 11:19

Afternoon tea, a card saying thank you etc are all lovely gestures that mean more than money and I'm sure she will really appreciate.

Jaxhog · 02/05/2021 11:20

@foreverolddegree

She really is lovely and I know she does this to take the pressure off me and she just wants to treat me. I know it's not a case of her feeling sorry for me or being patronising. I just wish I could repay her in the same way. My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.
This.
NellietheNumpty · 02/05/2021 11:21

I have been on the other end of this. I was able to offer a home to a homeless teenager.
It was the best thing I ever did. They told be they would always be my tea fairy. We have been friends for over a decade and I have drunk many cups of tea together.
It is an equal relationship. I have had the pleasure of seeing them succeed because of the little I could give. I have received tea and a listening ear.

Tealvelvet · 02/05/2021 11:21

I agree with others - a nice afternoon tea sounds perfect and/or a nice card bunch of flowers. She does sound lovely and am sure she knows you will treat her when you are in a job after uni !

Peace43 · 02/05/2021 11:22

I have ASD and I find it hard to make friends. The ones I have I absolutely love. I have lots of money and I really love to treat my friends. I feel they pay it back in other ways for me. One friend always remembers birthdays and sends me a card (it’s something I forget to do for her).

What I’m trying to say is that it’s very likely you do pay your friend back in companionship and other friendly gestures that she values more highly than money.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/05/2021 11:22

Makes me feel like an old gimmer (53) but trust me when I say that life is long, true friends are hard to come by and you cant put a price on spending time together.
Chill out. Enjoy the friendship. Over the years you will be there when she needs a mate. That's payment enough!

clpsmum · 02/05/2021 11:28

Buy yourself some vouchers for the restaurant and tell her they were a Christmas gift and need using that way you t to pay

Farrowandballachee · 02/05/2021 11:29

You sound incredibly ungrateful

cerealgamechanger · 02/05/2021 11:31

Why not send her flowers or get her something she enjoys, eg. Fragrance, chocolates, candles, etc. 'just because you felt like it' or wanted her to know how much you appreciate her generosity?

Original poster
foreverolddegree · 02/05/2021 11:31

@Farrowandballachee do I?

OP posts:
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