My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

Tbh if I were your friend and I cherished you as much as she obviously does; I would do the same.
I don't think YABU but you should definitely bring it up. Perhaps it's just a case of her knowing you soo well, loving you deeply as her best friend and seeing how hard you work as a single mother that she just wants to treat you.
You clearly mean the world to her and I find it hard to believe that she would be offended.

She doesn't need paying back with money or a spa day you can't really afford. She loves you and wants to be nice to you. Also £x does more for you than for her. It's less money to her IYSWIM. And probably makes her happy treating you. As long as you don't expect it, it's absolutely fine. By all means try and buy the odd drink for her, but don't worry about evening things up.
I once wanted to go to a nice restaurant with a friend who couldn't afford it. She said as much, I said I really fancied going and was happy to pay. And I was. I got to go there and enjoy her company.

What a lovely friend to have.

I had an ex partner like this, and one of my brothers is inclined to do similar "because he can". When I was struggling I felt as you do, but had to re-frame it when the ex asked "Would you do it for me if roles were reversed?" He knew that I would, and that was that. Indeed, I had and did again.

A token gesture when you can, recognition of something important to them, your time, these all have value when you are true friends. A home-made tea sounds lovely, at the end of the day if you have money it's easy to share it, but time and thought from someone is sometimes a rare commodity that will be much appreciated I'm sure.

I've been your friend before.

As long as you are a good friend and you're not taking her for a ride (doesn't sound like you are!) there's no issue. She's paying because she wants to go to those places and do those things with you, and if you were to pay your way, you wouldn't be able to do them nearly as often. She values your friendship and your time - she picks up the bill because as far as she's concerned, it's only money.

I think where there's such a disparity of income, it's nice for the higher earner to pick up the tab, with the expectation that one day that lower earner will pay it forward - not necessarily by treating the friend, but by treating someone else, who at that time, is a lower earner.

If you're really uncomfortable, have a conversation. But first, do reflect on why she's doing this for you - it's because she does like you as a person. She doesn't see you as charity. She sees herself as doing what you would do for her if the situation was reversed.

@foreverolddegree

She really is lovely and I know she does this to take the pressure off me and she just wants to treat me. I know it's not a case of her feeling sorry for me or being patronising. I just wish I could repay her in the same way. My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.

This and a bunch of flowers I think would be a lovely gesture! You have a good friend there.

She sounds lovely! Maybe tell her you don’t want her to feel like she has to pay everytime?

I totally understand why you feel how you feel but she won’t be expecting reciprocation, she’s doing it because she wants to.
It could be that she just knows you don’t have loads of free cash and wants to make sure you don’t miss out, it might be she wants to buy/eat/drink/do what she wants and doesn’t want you to not have the same as she’d feel awkward, she might just feel lucky that she has what she has and wants to share it.
Have a chat with her though, because whatever her reasons she won’t want you feeling awkward or uncomfortable about it

I had a nice example of this the other day. I did my friend a favour taking kids to school. She was mortified because I’d gone out of my way and I said it’s nothing. So she wouldn’t take money for some shopping she did for me and I was insistent but she said it’s nothing! And I got it. We do what we can to be a friend and it’s all good. No need for any guilt! Cos friends don’t take advantage and they know it works both ways.

I believe people add value to each other's lives in different ways.
Everyone should be generous with whatever it is they are able to be generous with.
It could be time, money, a listening ear, a great sense of humour, a fabulous party host, a really good hugger...
She is being generous with what it is she can be generous with, all you need to do is be generous with what you have of value to her.
It sounds like she really enjoys being able to help you out. Is telling her you find it uncomfortable going to make her happy or sad? Is that what you want?

I’ll be her friend 😂

No seriously, she wants to do this and it seems to give her pleasure so let her do this.