My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

If you discuss it then it will make it awkward for you and your friend, rather than just one of you feeling awkward.

I would stick to paying her back in other ways eg helping her with something practical when you can or the afternoon tea idea.

She probably gets enjoyment from doing it. Plus it means she can't do things she wants without worrying it may be difficult for you.

If it really upsets you then tell her, sounds like you're good enough friends to be able to talk about it.

Otherwise maybe just do other things, send a card with a note saying how much she means to you. Maybe make a photo album or photo frame of memories. Send her a bunch of flowers just because.

Things don't have to be equal, I'm sure you bring many things to the relationship and he clearly loves you.

She sounds like a terrible friend. I tell you what I’ll take her off your hands for you

I would not let a friend give me cash ‘just because’ unless I had some sort of emergency. Why are you keeping the cash she gives you? I’d return it. There is nothing wrong with better off friends occasionally treating a skint friend but your situation sounds way too one sided. I don’t think it matters if she is happy with the arrangement if you aren’t!
It depends how much you enjoy the extra money though.

I also wouldn’t go for a meal somewhere I couldn’t afford. Why are you agreeing to go to more expensive restaurants if you can’t afford it. She must assume that you are assuming that she will pay. I would not be comfortable with that.
If she is a good friend then she would mind where she went. I’d go to a weatherspoons or somewhere like that and I’d pay for my own food. If you do go to a restaurant where you want to pay for your own meal it’s not difficult to do so if you actually want to. You either just insist or you get up and have a quiet word with the waiter or waitress. Pretend you are going to use the bathroom and just do it.

I know what your saying OP it gets kind of embarrassing I guess? But let me tell you, she absolutely adores you and I think she would do this wether she was well off or not. Such a lovely thing to read that there are really genuine lovely people in this world x

She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

That is very patronising.

It's not ok to do that without your permission.

She does sound lovely. But that doesn't mean to say that there's not a fundamental imbalance here and it's fine for you to say that that doesn't work for you.

Wouldnt*
Sorry for typos

Oh just let her, she loves you and it's something she can do. It means you can enjoy being out because money isn't an issue. She knows you so well and knows you don't take her for granted. I have a friend like this too. On occasion I will make a point of doing something special for her not because I feel obligated but because I want her to know I don't take her kindness and generosity for granted. So maybe just do something special/thoughtful for her when you can but without pressuring yourself.

@Farrowandballachee

You sound incredibly ungrateful

How on earth did you get that from what the OP has posted?

I think you might be inadvertently projecting something from your own life onto the OP’s situation. Do you know someone ungrateful IRL?

I'm sure it's lovely for her when she comes back to see her Mum that she has a friend there and has that nice social element as well. So she probably appreciates what you bring to the relationship too. I wouldn't be doing any of the giving back as it's not what she needs. Just being there for her, remembering her birthday etc and generally being a good friend. I was wondering if her parents were getting elderly and you live in the same area could you pop in to see they are OK and be a bit of company for them that might take a bit of worry off her. Saying that they may be flying.
My brother absolutely loves to treat people. He is so generous and would be hurt if l tried to pay him back in any way. I just keep in touch as much as l can and hopefully be an addition to his life.

It can't make you that uncomfortable or you wouldn't go

@clpsmum

It can't make you that uncomfortable or you wouldn't go

Maybe she just wants to see her friend, and her friend wants to see her? You're basically implying she should dump her friend for being too generous, which is ridiculous.

No I'm not at all I'm implying don't accept all the freebies and don't go to a restaurant if you can't bring yourself to not let her pay. Plenty of things they can do together without it costing her friend anything

@Farrowandballachee

You sound incredibly ungrateful

No she didn't. But feeling grateful all the time is exhausting, and it makes the relationship unequal in the short term.

@clpsmum

No I'm not at all I'm implying don't accept all the freebies and don't go to a restaurant if you can't bring yourself to not let her pay. Plenty of things they can do together without it costing her friend anything

But her friend wants to do the things that cost money. And she's the visitor. It's hard to turn round and reject doing the things she wants.

I've been on both sides of this kind of relationship. Now that I can be the generous one, I try to be very sensitive in the way I do it, so that the recipient doesn't feel diminished or patronised by my gesture.

My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.

Your afternoon is special. I think it would be so much more special to her than something she have any day.
Genuine friendship and hospitality is far more special than a fancy afternoon tea that money can buy.

I do this with my sister. We both work hard, my job just happens to pay more that hers. The way I see it is that we both equally enjoy spending time together but the coffee and cake etc would mean more of a hit to her finances, so me paying the bill more balances that side out. I hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable. If she said it did I'd explain my logic - so she knew it wasn't a pity coffee - but would stop doing it if that's what she wanted. With such a close friend is it something you feel you can talk to her about?

@clpsmum

No I'm not at all I'm implying don't accept all the freebies and don't go to a restaurant if you can't bring yourself to not let her pay. Plenty of things they can do together without it costing her friend anything

I agree with this. If she is a good friend she would be happy to meet up wherever.

When the OPs friend suggests the expensive restaurant I don’t understand why the OP accepts the invite and then decides she feels uncomfortable about it 😅. She must accept knowing that she isn’t going to pay. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that so I wouldn’t do it.

Enjoy your friend's generosity. She must think an awful lot of you and wants to both enjoy your company and do stuff that's maybe out of your price range. I used to do similar for a friend years ago - she paid me back by turning up when I was at rock bottom with pnd, taking the kids so I could have a shower in peace. It's not about money, it's about care. Send her a fun postcard that lets get know you're thinking of her, organise a wine and film night at yours, do whatever you want to do but DON'T try to pay her back. It's not transactional and you'll break the magic of a good friendship by making it so.

My best friend from school went through a tough time as a single parent. I was really lucky that we were in a good place at the time. I always went to her as she had no child care and i paid for the vast majority of our food and drinks. If we were going away then we would invite her and her son along and we paid for all accommodation and drinks etc. She occasionally raised it how she felt bad but I would just tell her that her luck would change and then she could return the favour. It's taken her 12 years of study (we both flunked out with no qualifications) but she is just about to become a fully qualified accountant and is getting married. I don't expect anything back at all and am just glad I could be there for my friend and still enjoy her company etc. The time we spent together was important to me, I couldn't put a C price on her company.

But I am the sort of person that doesn't care about money. I love being generous if I've got it. I spend about £400 bargain hunting every year on kids toys for the local schools. It makes me feel so good knowing that the kids that don't get much will have a birthday present and a few presents to open at Christmas.

I love the idea of making an afternoon tea for your friend. If she has money then the smaller more thoughtful gestures would probably mean more to her. Do you have "a song" ? My best friend got me a frame with a photo of us and underneath is a qr code so that when I hold my phone up it automatically plays our favourite song from when we were teenagers. It wasn't overly expensive but it means the world to me.

@EverythingRuined I wouldn't say it's an expensive restaurant, it's one of the nicer ones but not really expensive. I accept because I can afford to pay for my own meal once in a while but I can't afford to pay for everyone. The issue is if I try and pay for my own meal she won't allow it, she insists she's paying. It's awkward to ask for bill separately or to sit and work out what I owe but I simply can't afford to just say 'oh here I'll get it', I can only pay for my own but she insists on paying. Even if we went to a less fancy restaurant, I still couldn't afford to pay for us all. That's not the issue.

I don't know if this makes sense but when you've not got to massively budget, money seems like much less of a big deal: you're not having to sacrifice something to pay for what you want, so it's less loaded. I can see that when you're financially less well off, it's not like that, I've been in both situations.

I'm sure your friend just wants to do something nice for you and doesn't feel at all that you should be obligated. She'd also feel guilty about seeing you pay for things when you go out because you're not just supporting yourself but your child.

I think the afternoon tea sounds wonderful. My friend who has been both well off and is now less so, does that kind of thing, she'll make a big fuss of me when she hosts, just with nice biscuits and beautiful paper napkins etc. I love her because she's a wonderful person, not for what she can buy me. And I'd. really rather go to a nice cafe than Wetherspoons unless I have to.

I can understand how this might make you feel uncomfortable, but your friend is in a totally different position to you and wants to help you, to share some of her good fortune. Turn it around for a minute , you go out to lunch, you pay for everything and your friend is feeling incredibly guilty and awful, because she knows that you have nothing and she is loaded, married to a millionaire.....

I think that your friend loves you and wants to help you, and would be mortified if she felt that you didn't want it. She is doing it because she can not because she sees you as a charity case.

I would try and do something to treat her when you can afford it, you could always pay in advance, for an afternoon tea at a hotel or something nice and then she won't be able to pay for it.

My mum always insists on paying for everything when we go out, and sometimes I do get annoyed and say argh, just let me pay for lunch! so I do get how you feel, but if she was a millionaire/married to one, I wouldn't be feeling guilty about it

I can understand feeling like there's an imbalance in the relationship but she obviously loves you and is in a position to treat you. She knows that you love her too but you're not in a position to shell out for expensive things. She wouldn't offer/insist if she didn't want to do it.

I think the idea of putting together a lovely afternoon tea sounds great and I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture because you made it for her. An afternoon of good company and nice homemade food sounds perfect.

As someone who was the “London friend” with lots of disposable income who treated friends to holidays, nice meals, gifts etc, and has since become a single mum, back in my home town and on the verge of bankruptcy, I can see both sides of this.

I think it sounds like she loves and appreciates you in a way that’s pretty much “family” rather than just “friends”. When you look at it like that, do you feel differently?

I think many of us are more comfortable with this level of financial support from family than friends ... I think if you can adjust your mindset to see her in that respect (friends are the family you choose sort of thing) possibly you’ll feel less awkward?

Ultimately if I were you, I’d let her know you appreciate all of her- the daily contact, the emotional support, and the treats- and that you look forward to paying her back one day, then leave it at that and accept the love and care.