My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

You have a really nice friend. Appreciate that.

@foreverolddegree
She sounds very very kind and I'm sure she does not do it in the hope to make you feel awkward I think it's lovely and if I was married to a millionaire I'd do the same for friends who need a bit of help x

@Wheelerdeeler

I would put away money each time she does this and when you can afford it, present her with a voucher for a spa day/afternoon or something for you both. A voucher so she can't jump in & pay for you.

That's a great idea. She sounds lovely but I get where you're coming from, OP.

We have a friend like this and when we’re out he just doesn’t have the same limitations as everyone else, none of us are badly off but not in his league. So if he fancies champagne, he orders it and is very generous with it. Us not reciprocating equally never crosses his mind.

Repay in your own way, cook for her, put the time and love in that way, and let her show hers by paying for your meals if she offers.

@foreverolddegree

She really is lovely and I know she does this to take the pressure off me and she just wants to treat me. I know it's not a case of her feeling sorry for me or being patronising. I just wish I could repay her in the same way. My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.

The only thing I wouldn't like is her putting money in my bank.

Afternoon tea is a good idea. Or flowers/plant for her garden?

Op if you can pay for your own meal that’s why you except then logically you could just save that money and pay for you both thr second time? So take it in turns? It still costs you the exact same amount, you’re still
Paying for two meals, whether it’s yout two meals over two different occasions or two meals at once.

You both sound lovely OP - you're lucky to have such a good friend

@Bluntness100

Op if you can pay for your own meal that’s why you except then logically you could just save that money and pay for you both thr second time? So take it in turns? It still costs you the exact same amount, you’re still Paying for two meals, whether it’s yout two meals over two different occasions or two meals at once.

I was also thinking this. If she always pays then, eg with the lunch when you said paying separately, you could have offered to pay for both this time with the money you saved from last time?

A pp has probably suggested it but why not use the periodic money she puts in your bank account to treat her? If you’re uncomfortable receiving it but don’t know how to broach it/refuse it then this is the perfect solution. She’s still paying of course but you’re using the money to treat you both

I think she can afford to help so she wants to. She knows you’re struggling financially and she doesn’t wants to do her bit to help, I think she means well ultimately.

If the roles were reversed I'm sure you would do the same for her. She's a lovely friend I wouldn't feel bad about it atall. It obviously makes her feel good to treat you. Maybe send a little thank you card in the post or buy her some flowers or a small gift to show your appreciation

@Farrowandballachee

You sound incredibly ungrateful

No she doesn't. What a horrible thing to say

@foreverolddegree yes you do. You knew you were going out with your friend who always pays for you you say it makes you feel uncomfortable but why didnt you Save some of the money from the last 80 times she paid for you to pay for her for once?

OP,

You know your friend and what her motivation is.

With deep friendships this is what people do for eachother.

She values you hugely and is in effect paying forward her financial luck.

You can accept her kindness to you and also pay it forward in your life.

I also think the tea is a lovely idea of appreciation.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay

Then couldn't you offer to make them a nice meal at yours?

@Farrowandballachee

You sound incredibly ungrateful

There’s always one

OP YANBU - I think your mum’s afternoon tea idea sounds lovely

I don’t think OP sounds ungrateful but @Farrowandballachee and few other pp’s do make a valid comment re using the savings OP has made in not paying for herself on many occasions, which she’s accepted she’s able to do, to pay for both on some occasions.

I do this to my friend. She is an amazing, beautiful person who just always seems to be down on her luck.

I've paid for holidays, days out, meals and sometimes put money into her account.

She sends me postcards with us on the front and a few meaningful words which is really lovely.

I don't see her as a charity. I love her and want to do nice things for her.

When I've been in a similar situation I've always had family to help me out - she doesn't. It feels nice to be able to help.

She sounds lovely, OP, but then so do you - some would just grab what's offered with no thought or appreciation at all

I'm quite sure she values your friendship way above the money she's spending, but I agree with your mum that she'd probably love something which costs little but is full of affection. The home made tea's a lovely idea, and you could even bake something for her regularly. Or how about taking her somewhere like a museum or gallery she'd love? Or using one of your skills to do something for her rather than actually buying something (or her having to pay for it)? Even growing something for her could be lovely, and plants and flowers are always nice

There are lots of ideas - and I'm sure others will have better ones!! - but never forget that thoughtfulness doesn't have to cost money

I’ve thought of something else. It’s slightly unrelated but a comment a pal made about one of her friends. She likes a very specific type of china which is very expensive to buy new but sometimes turns up in charity shops because people don’t recognise it. Her friend often gives her birthday and Christmas presents of charity shop finds. She told me how much she loves them both because she loves the gift but also because she loves the fact that it is shows he cares about her and is thinking of her.

Maybe seeing something like that one day and keeping it for her would be a way of showing your gratitude and feeling for her?

I earn well and don’t have kids so I’m in a similar fortunate position to your friend. With my close friend the way we manage it is she pays for coffees and I pay for lunch/meals. That way we’re treating each other , but I’m paying slightly more without it feeling awkward. I’m sure if it was the other way round you’d treat her, so try not to feel guilty ..she can afford it and is happy to spend the money. As long as you don’t order the most expensive things on the menu and leave them all she’s honestly not going to bother about £20 either way. Try and give in gracefully by saying ‘thank you it really is appreciated, but I don’t want to feel like I’m a charity case so please let me buy coffee’ . I’m sure she’ll understand.

It's crazy that op would save £5 here and there from coffees etc just to treat her friend back. Her friend doesn't need it.

I'm the friend in this situation and if I thought someone had scrimped and saved just to treat me one time I'd be horrified.
I don't want to make people's lives more difficult. It's just money. It doesn't effect me but that coffee or lunch here or there does effect other people. Stop making op out to be ungrateful and selfish.

Op I'd suggest at the dinner that if you really want to pay for your own but don't want to make a scene then just send her the money through and app and say you're doing it.

Reading this with interest. I am in a high paying job and don’t have kids. My best friend has 3 kids and they have to run a very tight financial ship accordingly.

I will always offer to pay for takeaway / meals out just because I’m not precious about money - it’s there, I can do it easily, she can’t, so it’s a done deal.

I am also godmother to her children and so will routinely help with things like school uniforms etc, it’s not expected or asked for, but again without children of my own, and with money sat in my account I’m not going to sit back and watch them struggle at an expensive time of year.

I think it is a tricky path to navigate though because I never ever want her to feel like a ‘charity case’ and I certainly don’t think I’m any ‘better’ than her. I don’t do things that are flashy or overly frivolous. And if we are out for a meal and she wants to get a round of drinks in, I don’t say no, but likewise I wouldn’t be fussed if she didn’t/couldn’t do so.

It does sound like your friend is just trying to show her love in the way she knows how. Don’t be too proud.

@Farrowandballachee

You sound incredibly ungrateful

Are you reading the same op as the rest of us?

Perhaps you offer her things that no amount of money can buy? You could have billions but the gift of true friendship can never be bought.