My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

@insomniaisaballbag of course the friend doesn’t need the odd £5 coffee buying but it’s a way of OP feeling better about the situation.

Your friend is lovely how lucky you both are to have each other, she obviously values your friendship greatly. I wouldn't worry if I were you, very wealthy people in my experience have a very different concept of money and it's unlikely her or her husband really think about it, they can afford not to. Paying all the time is not the big deal for them it is for you.

I think you both sound like great friends.
I do get why you feel uncomfortable – money is a tricky subject – but I'm sure if it were the other way round, you'd treat her to lunch and coffee etc too.

I do love the ideas about saving up to treat her to something when you can, or baking/making her things as presents.

She sounds lovely and you are lucky to have each other.

I used to be that friend, but ended up being used and taken for granted, now friendless, which really hurts.

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable but as other pp's have said, perhaps do small things for her.

I bet she doesn't expect anything back though :)

When I was a single parent and struggling to find money for Calpol, my friend turned up with a tenner, told me to not worry about paying it back and also bought me some chocolate! She said to me then, and I've never forgotten, pay it forward.
I'm in a much better place now and a few of my friends have struggled for one reason or another. I've given them money and the same advice and it's never affected our friendships. It's not charity, it's what friends do.

No one likes to feel like a charity case but she clearly doesn’t see you that way or want to make you feel bad. I understand exactly why you feel the way you do, but she sounds like a lovely friend who is trying to give you all the things she wishes you had and feels you deserve. Do t feel bad. Enjoy it.

Your friend sounds lovely - would you do the same if roles were reversed? (I’m thinking you would?)
I think go with it and enjoy your friendship.

Your lovely friend knows your situation and obviously can afford to pay for you. I’d accept it graciously but cook her a nice meal every now and then.
Life’s funny and circumstances can change, you might one day be of equal financial means or even be helping her out.

I don’t think that a friendship needs to be on a tit for tat repayment basis. You are good friends and she is fortunate enough to have a lot of money and you don’t. Of course she should pay because she can do so easily.
I think just accept the situation and move on from worrying about it. She is showing her care for you as a friend.

I have a friend a bit like this who always tries to treat me since I got divorced 10 years ago as she and her husband are very comfortably off.

I had a talk with her and now we alternate who pays for lunch/dinner when we meet up (pre-Covid, we haven't met for over a year now). The difference is she always chooses somewhere modest when it's my turn to pay but books somewhere quite lavish when it's her turn. I've given up, she loves me and, as she's said, if the tables were turned, I'd be exactly the same. Be thankful for a good friend, I know I am.

She's flush, you're not. She enjoys treating you. Enjoy it back!

@foreverolddegree I have been in your exact same position and used to feel the same way. My advice is to have an honest talk with her about it.

My friend had no idea how guilty and ashamed I felt as she knew if the roles were reversed I would have done the exact same for her in a heartbeat. The result of the chat was that we met up at home (hers or mine), more instead of eating out, and if we did eat out it would be for lunch or coffee & cake in more affordable places.

Your Mum’s suggestion of a thoughtfully homemade afternoon tea sounds perfect. I used to make edible gifts when I didn’t have enough money for shop-bought presents and these were very well received by family and friends. At the time I thought they were all just being politely enthusiastic so as not to upset me (especially after reading on here what people really think of homemade and that so much just gets binned unopened ).

As soon as I was in a more secure financial position I treated my friend and her husband to a lovely dinner in a classy restaurant as thanks for all their love and support.

They still request my homemade mince pies as their Christmas gift, so they can’t have been that bad

I’d absolutely hate the money in the account

Ask her not to do that

I will often do this when I go out with some of my friends who aren't as financially comfortable as me, and I can't say I've ever really thought about how it could make them feel bad. I also would never expect anything one return. I think in this case perhaps just mention to her that you'd like to pay your way a little more, or as others have said perhaps buy her a little treat if you aren't comfortable talking to her about it.

I think it's kind and generous that she treats you from time to time, but I wouldn't like someone putting £ into my bank account 'just because'. That would make me feel like a charity case

This.

I used to treat a friend of mine to a meal out from time to time when she was a student and I was earning. She was also a single parent and money was very stretched. When she started working herself, I think she bought me some things in return, I don't really remember to be honest. Now we either pay alternatively or each pay for our own. It wasn't a big deal for me to pay for her. I enjoyed spending time with her and the cost of two dinners was not a big deal for me. If I were you, I would wait until you are earning enough and then treat her to dinner. Doesn't matter if that won't be for some years. It is about the company, not about the cost.

Thanks to an inheritance I am now fairly comfortably off. Now I can afford meals out, and weekends away and suchlike.

But I don't want to do these things on my own (although I have done so) and my friends are not as fortunate as me as regards money.

It's tricky, a few times I have treated people and said my relative (deceased) was paying really, which they accepted in the spirit it was offered. And it's hard to have a conversation about.

Perhaps you could pay for the drinks, and her for the meal? Afternoon tea sounds a lovely idea as well.

Enjoy your time with your friend, she is enjoying treating you because she can and that's what life is all about, helping each other in life.

After my separation, my friend sent me €100 in the post, constantly treats my children well, I said to her they are her's too ( like a great auntie she is) , when she and her husband go to their NI home, she will always pick up stuff from the shops for our home. ( love Faith in nature hand wash but far too expensive in West of Ireland for me to buy unless on offer and that's a rareity)

I help her mum out at times and I am a dab hand at baking so do homemade stuff when visiting. She is a kind and generous person like your friend and we are very lucky to have these people in our lives and they are lucky with our friendship too.

If she wants to put money in your account, let her, just be thankful ( as you are) and tell her how you feel.
I know if I ever needed money, I wouldn't hesitate to ask my friend but I budget well and can manage, I firmly believe that money is meant to go around and the more you share to friends and charities the more it returns.

Your post shows that you are a lovely, kind and decent person, someday you can pay it forward to someone that is struggling ( it need not be a great big gesture either).

Relax, she is just being a good friend.

I do that for someone now who lost their home and job during the pandemic.

Money means different things to you both. It seems a big deal to you because you can’t easily afford some things. To her, it’s not a big deal. If she takes the pressure off you financially because it’s easy for her to do, and she does it in a way that isn’t rude or patronising, just accept it.

She sounds like a really good friend, and so do you. You can go off and buy coffees/drinks when the opportunity arises. Doesn’t have to be an equal amount that you both spend, but if you do little things for her it might make you feel less awkward about her doing the bigger things for you. It’s all relative

I'm in this situation with my best friend of 20 years, except I'm the 'treater'. Our mutual relationship of love, shared experience, acceptance and emotional support is all that matters, it's priceless. I know she would, and may well do the same for me, if our fortunes change.

Just to add, with PPs saying the money in the account feeling like charity. I recently put money in a friends account, and it wasnt awkward. They were in a very rough spot, and their washing machine broke. When she mentioned it I told her I’d put money into her account for a new washing machine. She told me she’d pay me back (weekly instalments, when she can afford it) and I said that’s great, but no pressure. I have no intention of ever being paid back, but it’s made her feel better that she plans to pay it back.

As soon as you’re earning, you can start splitting things equally and treating each other. I guarantee your friend doesn’t mind.

She sounds like a really good friend who values you and the friendship.
She could have easily moved on to other rich (er) friends but she obviously wants to spend time with you and is able to afford giving you a treat as
Well.
I’m Nigerian and This is quite normal for us, I have friends/ family not as well off that I foot bills for and I also have some friends/ family quite rich who pick up my tab without blinking, we know we will always have each other’s backs and it s no biggie

Oooh. Tricky one.

I'm in the position where I have a lot more money than some friends, and a lot less than some, compared to all of our struggling early twenties..

We just tend to agree on what we'll do with budget unspoken.

Picnic in a park if we're meeting with one set, posh dinner in London with the other. If one set were staying at ours, I'd volunteer the spare air mattress; another, would be more than welcome to the same, but we wouldn't be surprised or offended at all if they chose a naice hotel nearby to lay their heads instead.

If we are all getting together at once (and I wish it happened more often - just distance), it's whatever is best for ALL of us - whether it's one of us cooking at home, or going to the cheap Vietnamese cafe over the road. It works, as we are all good friends of many years, and none of us have any compunctions about a no frills night over a luxury one - the important thing is we're all together.

I would hate anyone to feel patronised by me, or that they had to cover my costs. My truly best friends are just that - whatever the surroundings.

That being said - she sounds a really good friend, and one you could be open with. A well phrased word or two would do it - a truly good friend would be listening here.