My friend pays for everything and it's making me uncomfortable

[foreverolddegree]

I'm a single mum, 3rd year at uni and so don't have a lot of dispensable cash once the bills are paid. My best friend since childhood lives in London and is in a very good job (she has always worked very hard and stayed hyper focused) and her husband is also 'rich' - he is a millionaire.

I'm very close to her, we are in contact everyday. Her parents still stay in the town we grew up so she comes home about once every 3 months to visit.

When she visits and we meet up she pays for everything, for instance, we were out a walk and she said she was going to get a takeout from a nice cafe near us, I said oh yeah that sounds good I will too. At the cafe I ordered first, then she ordered, the woman at the till said are you paying separate or together, I said separate but she said no together. We then went back and forth and she was insisting.

Whenever she comes to my house she always brings wine and food for us. She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

I am going out to dinner with her and her husband next weekend and I just feel really uncomfortable because I know they will pay, I feel like I can't order what I want etc and as if I'm taking advantage but she literally will not let me pay.

I love her to bits, she is such a good person and means well and I am appreciative but it is making me uncomfortable as I can't pay her back the same way.

Should I say something? AIBU? Should I just accept it and hopefully once I have my degree I can treat her for a change?

I’ve learned that if someone genuinely offers something just smile and accept it and enjoy it. We’re not rich but I enjoy being generous and often buy coffees and lunch for friends and family who maybe are worse off. I enjoy giving gifts and seeing others enjoy them much more than receiving gifts myself!

Just enjoy being with your friend. If you feel really bad then have her over for dinner or send her some flowers or a card every now and then but just accept this for what it is. A kind friend trying her best to do something nice for you.

@foreverolddegree

She really is lovely and I know she does this to take the pressure off me and she just wants to treat me. I know it's not a case of her feeling sorry for me or being patronising. I just wish I could repay her in the same way. My mum suggested doing an afternoon tea for her when she is visiting, just making it myself but making it really lovely just as a little thanks until I'm earning some money and can treat her to something special which I can't afford at the moment.

That's a lovely idea and what a lovely friend you both have (you and her, you both sound great!).

I’ve been in your shoes. I was a single mum and on my uppers when DS was very small. I have a wonderful friend who did all the things your friend does and there were times when I was so embarrassed. But time has passed and we are still the dearest of friends and I have a more rounded perspective. She is kind and values our friendship, so her generosity was always part of that. She knew she had far more money than me and she wanted me and DS share in it.

I also see how she is with DS through his life and how the same kindness and generosity play out. When he was little she brought him sweets and toys and played with him. Now he is virtually an adult she talks to him as an adult and discusses his life decisions with him as an equal. She’s his cheerleader and such a positive figure in his life and he loves her very much, it’s wonderful. And her generosity is still there. She took him to see Iron Maiden for his 14th birthday when he was desperate to go and no one else could really afford it.

She puts the money into OPs account because she knows most single mums will buy for their children before themselves, so it's for you to treat yourself.

I really like the afternoon tea idea and when you graduate take her out to dinner somewhere nice to celebrate.

She sounds like a diamond to me!

I would feel really uncomfortable about her putting cash in my bank and ask her to stop. Its incredibly patronising.
Its kind of her to treat you, but not if it's stressing you out.

I never do the to and fro thing, if someone offers to pay I let them, and then I pay next time - you just need to be quicker if you are out together!

I'd ask her to stop putting money in your bank account but otherwise she seems like a lovely friend.

At some point your financial situations might be different and you might be very pleased to reciprocate for what she has done for you now. Or pay it forward and treat someone else when you can afford to.

I would put away money each time she does this and when you can afford it, present her with a voucher for a spa day/afternoon or something for you both. A voucher so she can't jump in & pay for you.

This would piss me off. I’ve been in situations where friends have way less than me and I’ll pay. Not because I want them to be beholden to me, but because I’ve had opportunities they didn’t have, I’ve been lucky to have parents who supported me when I needed it and they didn’t, and because they are my friends and I want to spend time with them without them having to worry about how to afford a day out. These friends have been there for me when I needed it too. If I can pay for lunch without having to count the pennies, then why the hell not. They owe me nothing. I’d hate for them to be “putting away” money they could well do with spending on themselves, in order to try to pay me back. I’d be offended they thought they had to.

Just be grateful to have a friend like this and try and pay where and when you can don't feel bad

I do this alot with my sister - I have alot more disposable income than she and BIL, plus they have a baby DD, so i'd rather pay for coffees/drinks/entry fees for activities and be generous with birthday and Christmas presents. Feels like a drop in the ocean compared to the emotional and practical support they give me.

I think as a PP said, if you are privileged enough to not need to worry about budgeting for these types of things, it is very easy to do this kind of thing without a second thought.

With lifelong relationships there is give and take. Your friend clearly loves you and I'm sure would be mortified to know you feel like this. If you don't want to speak to her about it, then perhaps do as a PP said and put the money aside to use on her one day

Eeek now I'm worrying, I'm like your friend. I have a friend who lives on a low income and I know is really stretched financially a lot of the time. I always offer to pay, she sort of says "gosh, are you sure" and I say "of course, my treat!" And she doesn't resist, so I assume she doesn't mind

I like doing it, to me half the pleasure of having plenty of money is to be able to help friends/spread a little joy. If she didnt let me pay I would always be worrying that she would wake up the next day regretting staying for that last glass of wine and be short of money for food or bills.

Ps I meant to say if it really bothers you, do say, I wouldnt be at all offended if my friend explained she would rather pay and would totally understand. But if you don't actually mind she may be happy doing it.

I think once people get to a certain level of capital the price of a nice dinner is something that barely impacts. If her husband for example trades on the stock market he could make or lose far more than that in the space of an hour or so.

Enjoy it OP and do little things to show you're grateful. Maybe suggest a lovely picnic and tell her you're doing everything and all you want is for her to turn up.

She sounds lovely and thoughtful although I can also see why it would make you feel awkward.

I can only imagine that from her perspective, there are other invaluable things that you bring to the friendship.

I know I feel really awkward about a friend who always travels 60-70 minutes on the train to meet up with me and my children. I almost always try to pay for everything. She's trying to save for a house deposit so I know she wouldn't really choose to spend money on unnecessary things if left to her own devices. But your post has made me reflect on how it might make her feel for me to always try to pay for the things we do together. I think I'll make sure she knows how much I appreciate her thoughtfulness in travelling up to us every time, and to explain that I want to pay for things so that I'm able to do something thoughtful for her too. It makes it possible for us to meet up and I absolutely love seeing her.

I have a friend who is very similar - we are both very well off - I earn very good money, have lots of assets, but her earnings dwarf mine and that seems to be all that matters.

It’s even more silly in these circumstances - and we don’t do anything wildly extravagant either - but there’s nothing I can seem to do to convince her to go halves most of the time! We once fought over who would tap the contactless at Tesco express!!

So yeah, I did what exactly what @Wheelerdeeler suggested and bought a spa day voucher for us both!

@listsandbudgets

I think once people get to a certain level of capital the price of a nice dinner is something that barely impacts. If her husband for example trades on the stock market he could make or lose far more than that in the space of an hour or so.

Enjoy it OP and do little things to show you're grateful. Maybe suggest a lovely picnic and tell her you're doing everything and all you want is for her to turn up.

This basically.

She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

How can she do that? Surely you must have given her your bank details and in that case she would be forgiven to think you're OK with it?

She sounds like a nice person who recognises she’s doing better financially and just wants to help out. I would find her putting money in my bank a bit strange but not her wanting to pay when you are out. My dad is very much like this, nobody can pay for anything when he is around. He does it because he has the money and wants to treat us, he doesn’t feel obligated or put upon.

I would try to pre-empt her occasionally. Just say ‘oh shall we have coffee and cake at that nice cafe? My treat’ and then make sure you are ahead of her and be assertive about paying.

If she is a good friend and it is making you feel uncomfortable then just say to her how you feel. That it is really kind of her to pay but you would feel better if sometimes you paid as you don’t want her to feel you are expecting her to pay.

If she didn’t want to she wouldn’t. She knows your situation and wants to try to make it a bit easier. They’re millionaires at the end of the day, so they’ll earn more interest than you probably earn no doubt.

I’d just order what ever you fancied then get your money out as usual and if they insist on paying then just let them if they won’t take no. It’s not your fault they want to share their wealth

[quote foreverolddegree]@EverythingRuined I wouldn't say it's an expensive restaurant, it's one of the nicer ones but not really expensive. I accept because I can afford to pay for my own meal once in a while but I can't afford to pay for everyone. The issue is if I try and pay for my own meal she won't allow it, she insists she's paying. It's awkward to ask for bill separately or to sit and work out what I owe but I simply can't afford to just say 'oh here I'll get it', I can only pay for my own but she insists on paying. Even if we went to a less fancy restaurant, I still couldn't afford to pay for us all. That's not the issue. [/quote]
So basically you know when you accept the invitation that she is going to pay for you but that when she does pay you feel uncomfortable? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d find that way more ‘uncomfortable’ that asking the waiter or waitress to pay separately. You don’t need to pay for her you just need to pay for yourself or you need to ask to go to a cheaper restaurant.

If you actually felt that uncomfortable about her paying for you and giving you money you would do something about it. I would.

It’s completely normal to ask to pay for your own bill at restaurants.

There’s nothing wrong with accepting money if you are in a bad situation but I wouldn’t want to otherwise, at least , not on a regular basis. It would feel wrong to me.

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

She also occasionally will stick some money in my bank for me 'just because'.

How can she do that? Surely you must have given her your bank details and in that case she would be forgiven to think you're OK with it?

I have several of my friends bank details cause I've paid back for something pre payment apps. Now with apps I can just transfer money to friends account by knowing their phone number. So it's weird not at all to know details.

Randomly sending money just because it's a very personal thing and some are ok with it and some not. That's why it is important to communicate if not comfortable.

I know you're not my friend that I do exactly the same for because she's not online.
However what I really love is then thought she gives to buying me a small and often from a charity shop birthday present - always something she knows I will like, the carefully chose thank you card with the beautifully thought out words inside, the little texts she sends when she knows I'm feeling down.

That to me is worth so much more than the money I spend propping up her existence (she has out of necessity to live a very very basic life that isn't really affordable without extra funds due to her disabilities) which I know she'll never be able to repay .

@Whythesadface

I forgot my DD spent £10 and sent me my favourite sweets from Amazon. It made my day.

That sounds lovely I would really appreciate something like that.

Op , your friend sounds amazing and I am sure that you are wonderful too.
If you choose to bring the issue up with her be prepared for the fact that she may get a little bit upset. She would probably be mortified if she felt that she had made you feel uncomfortable , so tread carefully.

I agree with the poster who said that you should arrange a nice afternoon tea.

Pretty soon you will be in the position to pass it on .

How lively to have such a great friend. So much more important than the money. What’s the point of you struggling to pay when it would be so much to you. Make her some cookies - give her a cuddle - tell her you live her and celebrate your great fortune in knowing each other. Money is just a tool - she has lots you have less - so what?

@EverythingRuined you don't seem to be understanding what I'm trying to say unfortunately. Maybe I'm not explaining it well, sorry.

@ChardonnaysPetDragon she does have my bank details, she always sends my dd some money for birthdays and christmases to choose her own gift so she has my details for that. But we both have monzo and I don't think you even need each other's details for that.