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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sick of hearing about my baby's sex?

211 replies

AnUnoriginalUsername · 02/05/2021 07:20

Baby is due imminently, I'm very uncomfortable and tired, but I'm also so excited to meet this baby I've been growing for all these months, I already feel like I love them so much and they're perfect, which is probably affecting my judgement on this.

We didn't find out the sex because we don't bloody care, it won't affect the way we raise our kid, it doesn't change who we want them to be, it doesn't change the clothes and toys we buy.

Apparently it does change whether in laws want anything to do with them though. They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby. They're encouraging it. MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then." Hmm

Now I feel like I don't want a girl or a boy! Because a girl will be treated as not good enough, and a boy will be spoilt and pushed to "boyish" things.

So there's my rant, stop complaining about my baby's genitals before they're born.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 02/05/2021 12:44

The football thing is ridiculous. My brother is a "blokey" guy but has zero interest in football. I went to school with two girls who played it at a high level and one got a football scholarship at a US university.

Isn't 'soccer' seen as at least as much, if not more, a "girls' game" in the US? Like various other activities, things are often 'gendered' differently depending on place and time. Like computing being a 'girl thing' in the past and still currently elsewhere.

It's all nonsensical. Humans are dimorphic, but within that each child is an individual with his or her own set of aptitudes and preferences. Helping your child to fulfil whatever their potential turns out to be is what parents need to do - and relatives should assist with or butt out.

3JsMa · 02/05/2021 13:00

@Cloudyview
How horrible Shock
Why is usually MIL/PIL that think this kind of behaviour totally acceptable? It's almost as if DIL is just an accessory,invisible and irrelevant.I'm glad you stood your ground.

ddl1 · 02/05/2021 13:10

I met someone - who would be nearly 100 now if still living - who was the fourth daughter in her family. When her father was told after the birth 'Everything went fine and you have a lovely girl" he replied, "A girl? Then throw her into the river!' Obviously this wasn't meant literally, but he did pretty much ignore her, and to a lesser extent her older sisters, as she grew up. Bad enough in the 1920s, but definitely inexcusable now!

Happylittlethoughts · 02/05/2021 13:11

Honestly, I rarely agree with MIL assisins on here but wtf?! I'd be having a word .

lioncitygirl · 02/05/2021 13:13

Drown the child if she’s a girl?! Shock you’re still talking to these in laws?! Why?

2bazookas · 02/05/2021 13:19

@AnUnoriginalUsername

What I've just realised is that if I told you most of the stuff they say, you'd think they were the most vile people on the planet. But in my head it's just like "listen to the stupid stuff they're saying now." Like I wasn't even shocked she'd said it, I just didn't know how I'm supposed to respond to something like that. There is a massive generation gap between us and their views are so out of date from mine.

DH is struggling with seeing things for what they are, he's always kind of lived in this belief that it's normal or that it's something different to what it really is. Other things have happened recently that have made him see differently.

I will put my foot down the next time it comes up but I'll be battling this for the rest of their lives. DH feels too much obligation to ever cut them off. And I'm strong enough to maintain boundaries, this is just new to me and I didn't know if my boundary was right.

Don't put your foot down " next time". Do it right now.

What you wrote above could have been written about my MIL. She was a monster caricature of bad MIL for 6 years; so bad we just treated her behaviour as a kind of joke and were impervious to the endless cruel barbs and sneers.

Until we had kids. Then she realised she could REALLY get to us through them, and raised her game to a new pitch of really nasty insult and unkindness to them. Funnily enough, two of her most extreme hate- performances were in the very late stages of my pregnancies. Finally she went so far DH threw her out of our house. and out of our lives

CervixHaver · 02/05/2021 13:21

@RedcurrantPuff I'm willing to bet she did NOT mean anything like that! It sounds like dry sarcasm in order to CRITICISE the nephew's sulking about the possibility of a girl! Just like in my example where I said to my DD "Oh I'll just pop him in the bin then shall I?!" - It was said in a MOCKING TONE.....!!!!!!!

Honestly, I think you're all being ridiculously OTT and are whipping OP up into an unnecessary frenzy

Viviennemary · 02/05/2021 13:25

They are a disgrace. They need to be called out over their attitude.

Cavagirl · 02/05/2021 13:30

CervixHaver have we read the same OP?

They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby.

It's also clear from subsequent posts of OP that it's not just this one comment.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/05/2021 13:30

[quote CervixHaver]@RedcurrantPuff I'm willing to bet she did NOT mean anything like that! It sounds like dry sarcasm in order to CRITICISE the nephew's sulking about the possibility of a girl! Just like in my example where I said to my DD "Oh I'll just pop him in the bin then shall I?!" - It was said in a MOCKING TONE.....!!!!!!!

Honestly, I think you're all being ridiculously OTT and are whipping OP up into an unnecessary frenzy [/quote]
That sort of 'humour' can upset children who are exposed to it, even if they know you don't really mean it.
Someone with autism may find it particularly hard to deal with.

If you've got a good sense of humour, maybe try to come out with quips which are actually funny?

PrincessBuggerPants · 02/05/2021 13:32

MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then."

Just no.

Even if it is a boy they should not be welcome to form a relationship with the baby, that is so completely conditional. It would be overwhelmingly damaging.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2021 13:37

Oh gawd, @AnUnoriginalUsername, they sound appalling!
I actually am hoping you have a girl now, because with a bit of luck they won't want anything to do with her, and then reducing contact will be piss easy for you all!

I wouldn't let them within 10 feet of your baby, whichever sex the baby is. Imagine if it is a boy, but one who doesn't like football [surprise, ILs, not all boys like football...] - the amount of taunting the poor child would undergo from them!

Either way, your baby can do without such prejudice and negative influences in their life, so it's good that your DH is on board with your boundaries but you will have to keep reminding him that your baby is and must be your main priority when it arrives, not appeasing his bloody awful parents and nephew!

steppemum · 02/05/2021 13:43

CervixHaver
judging from the rest of the OP there was no dry sarcasm involved.

Do I actually think she meant drown the baby? Of course not.
Do I think it was a vile thing to say?
Yes.

If it was intended as a joke, then it crossed the line, and that is because of the pile of misogynist comments already endured by the OP about their baby.

Context is everything, and in this context, it is a horrendous thing to say, not because they'd actually do it, but because it illustrates their attitude to girls.

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 13:50

I think you need to tell your in-laws that if they make any more negative remarks about your baby you will not allow contact and you will report them to ss.
They’re not normal.
That remark is shocking and makes me feel sick and I don’t even know you.

Beatinghearts · 02/05/2021 13:55

It’s odd that people are so worried about the sex of baby that isn’t even these. All that matters is that the baby will be loved surely.

crosstalk · 02/05/2021 13:58

It's not a generation gap. It's a mental gap. Me and DH are probably around their age and would never have said or thought anything similar. Neither would any of our parents (going prehistoric now).

And don't they know women play football?

froggybiby · 02/05/2021 14:08

I agree with other posters. After that comment, I would not let her see my child, but the scariest things of all is ...if that comment was made to DN that is a very dangerous thing to say to a child....indeed some children do turn jealous of the attention to a new child....I would have walked out there and then!

KizzyMoo · 02/05/2021 14:08

Don't let them see it whatever the sex. Who jokes about drowning a baby. Disgusting.

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 14:13

@froggybiby

I agree with other posters. After that comment, I would not let her see my child, but the scariest things of all is ...if that comment was made to DN that is a very dangerous thing to say to a child....indeed some children do turn jealous of the attention to a new child....I would have walked out there and then!
Exactly. I wouldn’t leave your baby alone with dn!
eviesmum · 02/05/2021 14:15

@QueenAdreena

If my MIL had said that she wouldn’t be seeing my baby, regardless of their sex.
Exactly
IsThePopeCatholic · 02/05/2021 14:17

God, they sound Neanderthal. Poor you.

coconutpie · 02/05/2021 14:22

I think this is one of the most shocking things I've read on here - your MIL suggested drowning your baby if your baby is a girl and you're considering seeing them again? I would be telling MIL in no uncertain terms that she would never be seeing my baby. There is just no way back after that comment. If you have a boy, your son will be exposed to their disgusting, sexist comments. What if your boy doesn't like football? If you have a girl, they will treat her like dirt and how could you look your daughter in the eye knowing that they suggested they would drown her because of her sex and you still allowed them to be in her life?

Your child, regardless of their sex, should not be exposed to those disgusting people. The fact that they will be grandparents is irrelevant. Protect your darling baby and cut contact completely. If DH still wishes to see his parents then that is up to him but hell should freeze over before you allow any contact at all with your baby after they suggesting to drown her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/05/2021 14:25

They just seem to be becoming more and more difficult to be around. But then maybe I'm just becoming less tolerant.

Dear OP, please don't do this. Don't internalize their disgusting behaviour and make it about you. It's not you. This is not your failing; it's completely theirs and this baggage is theirs to carry. Don't pick it up for them: hand it back.

There is no excuse whatsoever for the unconscionable thing they said to you. Zero. None.

Congratulations on your coming arrival Flowers

Diamondnights · 02/05/2021 14:27

@AnUnoriginalUsername

You're right. The generation thing is an excuse.

They're English, no culture issues.

We will be reducing contact, and they won't ever be alone with our baby, I don't trust them to keep a baby or child safe. But I also don't want them saying things unchecked.

I will be constantly correcting things they say, the sexism comes with all the "ism"s that I'll have to teach our child isn't correct. It's going to be exhausting.

I think you are wise. What they said to you was hateful but imagine how much worse the drip, drip of misogyny would be for your daughter if you have one. People who will talk of drowning to a pregnant woman will not be able to keep their sexism hidden from your baby when they are born. Flowers
notawittyname1954 · 02/05/2021 14:30

Don't understand how a MIL, female, can say they don't want you to have a female baby. Did her own parents feel that about her.