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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sick of hearing about my baby's sex?

211 replies

AnUnoriginalUsername · 02/05/2021 07:20

Baby is due imminently, I'm very uncomfortable and tired, but I'm also so excited to meet this baby I've been growing for all these months, I already feel like I love them so much and they're perfect, which is probably affecting my judgement on this.

We didn't find out the sex because we don't bloody care, it won't affect the way we raise our kid, it doesn't change who we want them to be, it doesn't change the clothes and toys we buy.

Apparently it does change whether in laws want anything to do with them though. They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby. They're encouraging it. MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then." Hmm

Now I feel like I don't want a girl or a boy! Because a girl will be treated as not good enough, and a boy will be spoilt and pushed to "boyish" things.

So there's my rant, stop complaining about my baby's genitals before they're born.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/05/2021 07:49

How to tackle it? Say...

Given that really happens in the world today - baby girls killed because of their sex - don’t even joke about it. If I hear one more word about the sex of my child, you will never meet my child. Is that understood?

Then walk off and mean every single word.

Sailor2009 · 02/05/2021 07:50

Boy or girl doesn't really matter, if my MIL or anyone else said that about my baby it would be a cold day in hell before I let them within half a mile of him/her.

PoppyFleur · 02/05/2021 07:54

YABU to pay attention to any of this complete idiocy from your in laws.

Please don’t let this ruin your last few weeks of pregnancy. If the pandemic has taught us anything it’s that we cannot control the world around us but we can control our response to it.

So control your response by radically reducing your contact with these people. Just think how stress free life will be without this nonsense in it!

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 02/05/2021 07:54

We did find out because we didn’t care about the sex and it was effective at knocking these conversations on the head; there was nothing to speculate about.

Your MIL’s comment was hateful though and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything at the time. Your DH has a responsibility to tell her now that it was bang out of order.

Onairjunkie · 02/05/2021 07:57

Keep your baby away from them, whoever they turn out to be once they’re born. They sound like total fucking maniacs.

Kalettesarethebest · 02/05/2021 08:02

Just to point out that the person who made the comment about drowning if it was a girl was also once a girl.
I’m a mum of 2 girls (uni age). I too was subject to comments about hoping my unborn child was a boy from the then in laws. Weird, misogynistic people really. I distanced myself and my children from these toxic people. In their case, boys were still valued over girls.
Thankfully, my side of the family are the complete opposite of this and value people equally.
Also, boys and girls don’t always conform to their ‘traditional ‘ gender types. What happens then?

lockdownalli · 02/05/2021 08:03

They sound dreadful.

I would be distancing myself from them as much as I could. Flowers

Lazierdays · 02/05/2021 08:05

Wow, the internalised misogyny is strong in your mother in law!
What a horrific statement to make. I wouldn’t want them around my DC. I would be having strong words with DH about this as it’s really his place to talk to his parents. I would be absolutely disgusted and never let them have unsupervised contact, who knows how they may treat your DC.

RebelByLight · 02/05/2021 08:11

Also, boys and girls don’t always conform to their ‘traditional ‘ gender types. What happens then?
MIL was so desperate for a girl in the family.... then DD was born. She doesn't like sitting quietly and playing with dolls. She is usually either up a tree or playing football. MIL ignores her if DS is there and always finds excuses why she can only take DS out for the day.

I'd probably go radio silence for a while until you and DH can process how you want to deal with it and what your boundaries will be. The most important thing though, is that it comes from DH.

Porcupineintherough · 02/05/2021 08:23

If they are usually fine and are basically "hoping" it's a boy to humour a preteen I'd calm down and assume they will calm down once baby is here although, yes, dn may be disappointed.

NutellaEllaElla · 02/05/2021 08:25

Why are they so keen for a boy OP?

MammaSchwifty · 02/05/2021 08:27

MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then."

disgusting thing to say, even as joke, with or without the parents to hear. leaving aside sex-selected infanticide that happens the world over. Such depressing callousness and ignorance.

Make sure you remind her when she's all gooey eyed over your future newborn possible daughter.

steppemum · 02/05/2021 08:31

MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then.

this is such a vile comment. I know things like this can be said in jest, and mis interpreted, but I really would be upset by this.

I think I would write a letter from you and dh.
Use this comment as the base. Something like

We are really excited to be having a baby, and starting to feel quite hurt and unhappy about all the 'it had better be a boy' comments. Then last nights comment was really offensive and hurtful, suggesting that you would rather drown my beautiful wanted, much loved precious child, just because she is a girl. It sounds like the worst horrors of rural Chinas one child policy

out line what you want - stop all talk of boys being better than girls, and start saying nice things about girls. Tell them to sort out DN and his attitude too.

and I would also say we have decide to not see you for a couple of weeks while you think about this and make some changes. If the baby arrives in those 2 weeks, you will not see him/her

Then go NC for a couple of weeks. Every text email etc ignore.

LittleBearPad · 02/05/2021 08:31

I’d be distancing myself. That comment is appalling whether as a joke or whatever.

Original poster
AnUnoriginalUsername · 02/05/2021 08:33

What I've just realised is that if I told you most of the stuff they say, you'd think they were the most vile people on the planet. But in my head it's just like "listen to the stupid stuff they're saying now." Like I wasn't even shocked she'd said it, I just didn't know how I'm supposed to respond to something like that. There is a massive generation gap between us and their views are so out of date from mine.

DH is struggling with seeing things for what they are, he's always kind of lived in this belief that it's normal or that it's something different to what it really is. Other things have happened recently that have made him see differently.

I will put my foot down the next time it comes up but I'll be battling this for the rest of their lives. DH feels too much obligation to ever cut them off. And I'm strong enough to maintain boundaries, this is just new to me and I didn't know if my boundary was right.

OP posts:
Theredone5 · 02/05/2021 08:33

How awful op! 😞
By any chance, are your in laws of an ethnic background? I only ask because in some Asian communities, to have a boy is supposed to be a gift from God, where as girls are not seen as the same..

tedsletterofthelaw · 02/05/2021 08:33

Holy crap that comment is vile.

If my MIL said that she'd be coming nowhere near my child. That's truly awful.

Your DH needs to have some serious words.

ftm202020 · 02/05/2021 08:34

Well, I have boys and girls and none of them like football. I almost spat my coffee out and the drowning part. What did your DH say to his mum?

EveningOverRooftops · 02/05/2021 08:34

My gran was the same because I chose not to find out.

Actually ranted about me not being able to prepare, to buy the right things.

I did ask her what she meant by ‘prepare’ am I to start reading books on periods or wanking and wet dreams right now? Because as far as I was concerned a baby just needed food, sleep and cuddles and the rest would happen in time.

We don’t really talk much this days

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 08:34

If DH can't cut them off or deal with them, maybe low contact is the answer? Can you reduce the amount you see them?

stressfuljune · 02/05/2021 08:35

So sad. I'm hoping to have a football loving girl to join the millions like her or a boy who loathes contact sports.
So awful.

Iwantacookie · 02/05/2021 08:35

OP that is honestly one of the worst things I've heard on here.
Honestly ide tell your dh to deal with it, being heavily pregnant I just couldnt be bothered.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 08:37

That is horrendous. If you have a girl I would be reluctant to let her anywhere near them. I had similar but now it seems mild in comparison. In laws have loads of female grandchildren and wanted a boy to carry on the family name. Then later got told it was a shame I was having a girl. I was livid (thanks pregnancy hormones!) And told them if it was that shameful I assumed we wouldn't be seeing them when she was born.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 02/05/2021 08:38

There is a massive generation gap between us and their views are so out of date from mine.

Don’t make excuses for them. My parents had me later in life and there’s a significant generation gap. They’d never, ever say anything so hateful.

KaleSlayer · 02/05/2021 08:38

If you have a girl I would be reluctant to let her anywhere near them.

People like this will do just as much damage to a boy.