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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sick of hearing about my baby's sex?

211 replies

AnUnoriginalUsername · 02/05/2021 07:20

Baby is due imminently, I'm very uncomfortable and tired, but I'm also so excited to meet this baby I've been growing for all these months, I already feel like I love them so much and they're perfect, which is probably affecting my judgement on this.

We didn't find out the sex because we don't bloody care, it won't affect the way we raise our kid, it doesn't change who we want them to be, it doesn't change the clothes and toys we buy.

Apparently it does change whether in laws want anything to do with them though. They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby. They're encouraging it. MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then." Hmm

Now I feel like I don't want a girl or a boy! Because a girl will be treated as not good enough, and a boy will be spoilt and pushed to "boyish" things.

So there's my rant, stop complaining about my baby's genitals before they're born.

OP posts:
Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 02/05/2021 10:14

Reading ‘Toxic In Laws’ helped me.

MintyMabel · 02/05/2021 10:17

What do you even say to that?! No you can't drown my baby..

You get up, tell them you are leaving and they will never see your child.

You certainly don’t say nothing and wonder out loud on MN if that was ok.

MiddleOfThePack · 02/05/2021 10:18

*09:37Wishing14

I’d say to your MIL, “don’t worry so much, just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she’ll turn out anything like you”.*

Classic!

Ohcomeonitsrubbish · 02/05/2021 10:26

Blimey, how can 3% think you're being unreasonable? My jaw actually hit the floor when I read the comment about drowning a baby girl. That's evil, I can't think of any other word for it.

Do they not agree with girls achieving anything. Women lead countries, discover vaccines, run industries ...... in short, everything that men do. I am utterly appalled at your MIL's view. I don't think I could have any contact with someone that said that.

georgarina · 02/05/2021 10:43

That comment is actually disgusting, 'joke' or not, and to say that about a pregnant person's baby is so wrong and disrespectful I would have a serious talk with DH about their involvement, and about addressing that comment and the general disrespect of having a girl.

LowlandLucky · 02/05/2021 10:43

Cut contact with them now, they are evil

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 02/05/2021 10:45

So this comment was made in conversation with pre-teen DN? Teaching him not just that boys are preferable, but that girls are worthless and disposable?

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/05/2021 10:45

How to deal.

I find most of these types don’t ‘hear’ what they say and what you need to do is repeat back what they’ve just said as a question

‘You want to drown our baby?’

Keep silent

Wait for their response because they now have to justify their answer to you and to themselves.

Practice on DH until it becomes second nature to question.

Cavagirl · 02/05/2021 10:53

I think this would be one time where I'd be tempted to tell them that we were going for the "modern trend" of bringing them up gender neutral and not telling anyone.

GrinGrinGrin

Please do this OP. Give DC a gender neutral name and never tell them. Brilliant.

Cavagirl · 02/05/2021 10:57

Also wanted to echo PP - don't tell them when you've gone into labour.

Given they've made it such an issue and whatever their reaction it's likely to cause some upset, have a think in advance about how and who will tell them when DC has arrived. And what will be allowed re. visiting. If you've got it laid out with DH in advance that's one less thing to negotiate when being tough and asserting your boundaries will be difficult with everything else you've got going on. Good luck and congratulations!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/05/2021 10:59

Frankly once your baby is here, you and dp will be parents and will stop reacting to his parents like you are children willing to be pushed around.
I found this with my parents. They spent the whole of my childhood arguing constantly. It made me miserable.
The first time they did it in front of me, I picked up my daughter, put her in the car and drove home.
They never did it again.

notagainmummy · 02/05/2021 11:00

@QueenAdreena

If my MIL had said that she wouldn’t be seeing my baby, regardless of their sex.
Ditto.
Chocolateandamaretto · 02/05/2021 11:00

I read most of your message thinking “standard old fashioned MIL, just ignore” but the drowning comment is actually disgusting and I think you and your dh do need to say something, really point out that comments like this are not acceptable!

2bazookas · 02/05/2021 11:02

DH has to do something about his family's attitude right now; on his own. Tell him that for the remainder of your pregnancy you refuse any and all further contact with or from his family. Not negotiable. They may not come to your house; you have blocked them on phone etc.

You keep out of it and just focus on your baby. The last few weeks of pregnancy are a very special time for both of you; enjoy them together.

"

AlmostSummer21 · 02/05/2021 11:03

Maybe she was saying it to make DN realise just how stupid he was being?

Suggesting a ludicrous solution to pre teens isn't an uncommon response.

But they all sound thoroughly charming and I'd be looking to move far, far, away....

DonutsAllRound · 02/05/2021 11:03

I've been on MN for seventeen years and that the worst thing I have ever heard.

diddl · 02/05/2021 11:08

Treating a boy as a King & a girl as worthless means that you need to protect your child from these people, not subject them to them.

They will damage them either way.

Notaroadrunner · 02/05/2021 11:18

I'd refuse to see them again for a long time. Any mention of the baby's sex I'd be telling them it won't matter as they won't be involved. Hideous vile people.

Cloudyview · 02/05/2021 11:23

My in laws were similar, wanted a gs. When dd1was born they weren’t too bad, but when dd2 was born they were awful, didn’t come hospital to meet her, weren’t really interested in her, told their friends how upset they were that it was another girl etc.

When ds1 was born, they barged their way into the hospital, despite me requesting no visitors. I will never forget the sight of mil waving her hands in the air (and that’s not an exaggeration) saying “we’ve done it, we’ve got our boy” and just lifting my ds out of his cot. I just burst into tears. The nurse in charge came in, took the baby straight off them and asked them to leave, which didn’t go down well with them. They argued that they just wanted some photos with “their little boy” and then they would go! Nurse said no, they were to leave now (apparently they had followed someone in when the ward door had been opened)!

They fell out with me, when they found I had named my ds after my df who had recently passed away. Told dh that ds should be named after his df! Dh said that maybe we should reconsider names, to keep the peace, to which I told him to choose who he wanted to live with, me and his dcs or his dps!

Ohdobequiet · 02/05/2021 11:28

Disgusting behaviour.

CervixHaver · 02/05/2021 11:29

Why is everyone taking the MIL literally?! I agree it's a horrible thing to say and extremely poorly judged, but it sounds like VERY dry sarcasm in response to your nephew sulking about wanting a boy!

I'm very, very sarcastic at times and once when we were looking after my friend's son, my DD was sulking because he wasn't a girl! So I said "Oh. Right then! I'll just pop him in the bin then shall I?!?!" - I WAS NOT BEING SERIOUS........

I was NOT genuinely suggesting I put my friend's 3yr old in the bin.......!

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2021 11:31

@AnUnoriginalUsername

Baby is due imminently, I'm very uncomfortable and tired, but I'm also so excited to meet this baby I've been growing for all these months, I already feel like I love them so much and they're perfect, which is probably affecting my judgement on this.

We didn't find out the sex because we don't bloody care, it won't affect the way we raise our kid, it doesn't change who we want them to be, it doesn't change the clothes and toys we buy.

Apparently it does change whether in laws want anything to do with them though. They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby. They're encouraging it. MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then." Hmm

Now I feel like I don't want a girl or a boy! Because a girl will be treated as not good enough, and a boy will be spoilt and pushed to "boyish" things.

So there's my rant, stop complaining about my baby's genitals before they're born.

I know a couple of girls going to a football academy...
Spanglemum · 02/05/2021 11:32

Why is your DN's opinion so important? They're going to be at least 10 years older than the baby.

CervixHaver · 02/05/2021 11:33

Do you all really, seriously believe this woman was genuinely suggesting drowning this baby if they're a girl?? Realllllly???

I am NOT defending the comment. I'm sure someone will relish in implying I am, but I am not! I'm just simply gobsmacked that so many of you think she was serious! 🤯🤯🤯

diddl · 02/05/2021 11:35

@Spanglemum

Why is your DN's opinion so important? They're going to be at least 10 years older than the baby.
Because he's male?

It certainly shows their mentality doesn't it?