To be so sick of hearing about my baby's sex?

[AnUnoriginalUsername]

Baby is due imminently, I'm very uncomfortable and tired, but I'm also so excited to meet this baby I've been growing for all these months, I already feel like I love them so much and they're perfect, which is probably affecting my judgement on this.

We didn't find out the sex because we don't bloody care, it won't affect the way we raise our kid, it doesn't change who we want them to be, it doesn't change the clothes and toys we buy.

Apparently it does change whether in laws want anything to do with them though. They want a boy. I've been told this approximately a thousand times. Because you can teach boys to play football. It's mainly because DN doesn't want a girl, so instead of telling him tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby. They're encouraging it. MIL said last night "well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then."

Now I feel like I don't want a girl or a boy! Because a girl will be treated as not good enough, and a boy will be spoilt and pushed to "boyish" things.

So there's my rant, stop complaining about my baby's genitals before they're born.

That comment about your baby was unforgivable.

Most people would just be happy to have a healthy baby that is ALL a that matters .

If we did not have girls as well as boys , there could be no boy babies in the first place 😂😂

I think your OH has to tell them you were very offended about their remark .
And as soon as they say something about the sex of the baby shut them down straight away .

Be firm but not rude . Don’t bring yourself down to their level.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Anyone who suggested drowning, however tongue in cheek, would never see my child - boy or girl.

Can it even be said tongue in cheek?

Op, you're not going to let them near this baby are you?

Whem I was pregnant Mum & Dad already had a GD & she said she'd like a GS & I thought that that was pretty insensitive, but your ILs are disgusting.

Ok don't worry too much about how they'll be when the baby gets here. People are full of talk when you're pregnant then when the baby comes they love the baby they have and so you'll probably find them acting a lot differently when your baby is actually here.

Having said that I'd definitely not be spending any time with them over the next few weeks til you've had the baby. Take it as it comes after that. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Struggling to work out how 2% of people think YABU!!!

Sorry you’re being put through this. They wouldn’t be seeing my baby at all after that comment.

WTAF did your MiL say??
No chance they would come anywhere near my baby, boy or girl.
I would have to cut them off after comments like this, it made me upset just reading this.
I feel so sorry for you.

@DenisetheMenace

Struggling to work out how 2% of people think YABU!!!

Sorry you’re being put through this. They wouldn’t be seeing my baby at all after that comment.

Either the in-laws have MN accounts or they are just as bad as the in-laws!

well we'll have to drown it if it's a girl then."

WTF did I just read 🙄 she wouldn't be seeing my child whatever the sex is. Good luck and congratulations to you both, whatever the sex I'm sure you'll be great parents xx

Start distancing yourselves now - you've had the warnings in advance of baby arriving.

I had the reverse with my outlaws - absolutely obsessed with my daughter purely because she's the first girl in the family. They don't give a shit about getting to know her as an individual, just obsessing over frilly, girly stuff. It's made me so annoyed over the years. She's actually a great little person in her own right, not defined by sex!

Op Firstly congratulations on your baby !

Secondly, l think you have to have a really hard think about your views, boundaries, and principles, as these will be your guide as to how you bring up your child, and almost every decision you make as they grow...(and will be your childs biggest influence)

Then your DH needs to do the same, and you should discuss this in depth and agree exactly how you want your child ( and future children ) to be brought up...IMO all new parents should o this before baby comes.

That includes who will be the biggest influences after you both, as your child grows, and here is a big problem.......not just with the in laws but with your DH too.

It is so far from normal or acceptable, the comment about drowning a girl and yet neither of you reacted, or is reacting strongly now..think about that.

I am shocked as l would have responded very sharply and left, and l would have expected my DH to have done the same, or l would be questioning the person l had married.

All the responses here have been similar....you really need to address this seriously with your DH, time for him to grow up and decide on the values and messages he wants his children to have, compared to him.

Babies throw a rocket into a relationship, you need to be totally on the same page and united and confident in your responses to the people around you before this baby arrives.

Don’t tell them what the baby is. Gender neutral name, clothes etc. That will piss them off because they won’t know whether they have a grandson or granddaughter.

There is a massive generation gap between us and their views are so out of date from mine

I’m in my 40s, DM is in her 70s, and grew up in a very poor area of Doncaster. This has never been an acceptable thing to say, and certainly wasn’t acceptable when neonatal/infant death was more common. When your child could die of polio, measles etc, you absolutely did not joke about it (girls in my DM’s class died of both in primary school, she had cousins who died as babies).

That drowning comment sounds more like the kind of thing a thoughtless 15 year old would say, than a middle-aged woman.

And your MIL is hideous. That 'joke' was, not remotely funny!

My jaw literally dropped when I read that comment about drowning the baby if it’s a girl. She wouldn’t be anywhere near my baby, either. Vile woman.

Gosh,your MIL is unhinged.
I had the same from my MIL&SIL(no children).
I really wanted surprise,we had 11 year gap,2DS,was secretly hoping for another DS.As soon as we announced I'm pregnant,all I heard is ''Granny wants a girl'',''Aunty wants a girl''.I was pressured to have find out during the scan,my exH was right behind person doing the scan (no,no next to me holding my hand ) saying ''It's a girl,isn't it?''.I had a last laugh when she said ''Nope,I can see the balls''.
Then constant that we can try again etc.
I did fell pregnant again and again pressured to find out and a shock,for me as it was a girl.I did panic as never imagined myself having a girl but hey.All I wanted to do is to shout ''Make it yourself''.I do not understand why people behave like this,it's not funny,it's not helpful,just plain rude.
On the contrary,my parents never mentioned anything about sex preference,they were happy I am expecting a baby,are safe and healthy.

That comment is horrific. I’m currently pregnant and the thought of ever speaking to someone again after they made that comment to me is bizarre.
The comment alone is truly bad enough but why do you want your child, boy or girl, to be raised around people with such horrible sexist views? It sounds like they’re generally outspoken, and also prejudiced in other ways, why do you want your child to grow up listening to their bile?

Thank you guys.
I'm really excited for our baby arriving, I feel remarkably calm and confident about the whole thing. Despite this.
I'm good at maintaining boundaries, and I've been very clear with DH, who agrees, what my boundaries are and that he is to enforce them with his family. We will bring this up next time we see them, I certainly don't want to hear a word about our baby's sex once they're born.

What's bothered me most is that it's affected how I feel about the sex, that I'm thinking what impact our baby's sex has on how they will behave, rather than just thinking about how amazing our baby is going to be.

Jesus wept, your in laws are appalling. You should definitely consider going no contact, and please don't shrug off their vile comments. I would call them on it each and every time a hideous comment is made. After the drowning comment, MIL shouldn't get within a mile of your baby, ever.

How horrible
Stay away as much as you can
Nobody needs that in their lives ....
Sorry this is happening ....ugh

I wouldn’t wait for then to say “tough or that it's not his baby or whatever you tell a preteen sulking over the sex of their aunt and uncles baby” - I’d do that myself.

It’ll most likely cause a bit of a row/awkwardness, but that just accelerates things that you KNOW are coming anyway, or it might bring them up short so they have a look at themselves.

Either way, you’ll get something of what you want: distance or a change

MIL sounds incredibly toxic and your DH has obviously been conditioned in his upbringing to tolerate this behaviour.

Trust me - if you don’t like what you hear from your in laws now, you’re going to feel about a million times more strongly against it once your baby is born.

Have a conversation now with DH about standing up to in laws. Boundaries with ILs need to be firmly in place, and it doesn’t sound like it will be easy, but they are not who matters in your lives now.

Start as you mean to go on, with visits being planned and irregular etc.

Anyone who can make comments like the drowning one - especially in front of another impressionable child - has some real problems.
This can’t be put down to generational divides, this is pure cold misogyny and is equally damaging to boys as girls.

They probably don't even care what sex your baby is. It's very difficult to think of a thing to say about other people's pregnancies other than 'I wonder if it will be a boy or a girl'. They have been tactless about it but it doesn't mean they actually care if it a boy or a girl.

It's really drilled it home how serious the things they say are, and I will be firmer in future. It's kinda just been who they are and because no one else contests it, I feel like I'm the one that is wrong, I know most of the family don't agree with what they say but they just let them. Whereas I have made quite a splash in this family by refusing to accept the worst of it, but I do still let too much slide. And will not be letting that happen in front of our child, I don't want them learning the views that PILs have.

The lack of reaction was because they weren't actually talking to us, I don't know if DH heard it, I haven't mentioned it to him, only the general idea that his family is very biased over our baby's sex. I was half listening in to MILs conversation with DN and BIL, and by the time I'd registered, and clocked what she'd said, the conversation had moved on and I didn't know how to intervene (I'm autistic, speech isn't my best skill).

I am shocked at the drowning remark, that is just completely unacceptable and I can't imagine the type of people who would think otherwise. In your situation i would let the other gender stereotypes go and just correct them as and when you hear them (I am sure others will disagree) but the drowning comment would REALLY bother me and I would want that to be discussed. It may be a good chance to explain your views on how you will be raising your child. I think I would struggle to move on without any acknowledgement of how vile a thing it was to say.

Congratulations on your baby - wishing you all the best

Haven’t read the full thread yet but fuck that. No one that talked about my child like that would ever be allowed to see them. End of