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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 01/05/2021 19:00

She has asked to go, to me that’s enough. Make sure someone is there to take her out if needed or you go at a separate time to pay your respects.

Sorry for your loss

CausingChaos2 · 01/05/2021 19:02

If she wants to, then I wouldn’t deny her the opportunity.

SquirtleSquad · 01/05/2021 19:02

I'd say take her at that age - she obviously really wants to. Prepare her for what it will be like and talk to her about holding on to memories of how he was, not what he looks like now.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can help each other get through it

Notimeforaname · 01/05/2021 19:02

Sorry for your loss op
Yes she has asked to go,she should have the option.

HoulYerWheesht · 01/05/2021 19:03

I would take her if she’s asked. It helps a lot of people to actually see the person so they can believe it’s actually happened and start grieving.

I’m sorry for your loss

HarleyQuinn21 · 01/05/2021 19:03

I'm really sorry for your loss, It's obviously not an ideal situation but if she really wants to then I think she should, she's never going to get this opportunity again, I think you should explain all that you can and let her decide, I know she's a child and has needs and you want to protect her and I understand that but she may resent the fact she didn't get that closure, I think once the body is prepped it'll just look like he's sleeping and shouldn't be too traumatic for her in the sense of seeing him, it's ultimately up to you but I would let her as she's asked.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 19:03

I guess I want to protect her innocence. But I guess someone just disappearing is difficult too. Thank you

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2016 · 01/05/2021 19:03

If she has asked to go, I would take her. For many, seeing the deceased is part of the grieving process. It may help her to understand everything that has gone on.

Prepare her before you go - he will look as if he is asleep, he will feel cold to touch etc. But emphasise that it is still her Grandad- he didn't hurt her when he was alive and he can't/won't hurt her now that he has died.

for you. It's very difficult.

RancidOldHag · 01/05/2021 19:06

Sorry to be a bit graphic, but his long ago was the death and has he been embalmed?

The undertakers should be able to tell you about the condition of his body, and I think it's worth paying attention to their advice if they say clearly see casket

EileenGC · 01/05/2021 19:07

I'm sorry about your dad

I come from a country where it's normal to have open coffins and children attending funerals, so I have been brought up seeing dead people on a regular basis. My grandma died when I was 11 and the woke was 2 days long, done pre-funeral, with an open coffin throughout. I was fine about that, although I remember it felt a little creepy. I was not close to her if that makes any difference - she was very ill and I do not remember her even getting out of bed from when I was 5 or 6. Seeing her was fine for me. It was actually at the service that I broke down quite badly, but that was because I'm a very sensitive person and the service was very, very emotional. Seeing my mum and aunt cry so much was what affected me.

How will your dad look? It might be a bit shocking for her to see him differently than how she remembers him, but she seems keen so I would definitely discuss it with her to make sure it's what she really wants and she doesn't have unrealistic expectations about it.

MoiraNotRuby · 01/05/2021 19:07

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was very traumatic and I understand you wanting to protect her. I agree that seeing him can help her process this. Fwiw my children saw the body of my nana when they were younger than your DD and it didn't make them less innocent. Better to be open with children than secretive.

ThatIsMyPotato · 01/05/2021 19:07

@PumpkinPie2016 makes some good points about preparing her. I think once you've explained what he will look like etc then if she still wants to go ahead I would let her. It helps a lot of people if they can say goodbye one last time.

Porcupineintherough · 01/05/2021 19:08

Saying goodbye to her grandad wont take away her innocence. Sorry for your loss.

KingdomScrolls · 01/05/2021 19:09

I saw my gran after she died, I was about 30, I would never see someone after they've died again. I found it hard to get that image out of my mind for a long time.

SionnachRua · 01/05/2021 19:09

In Ireland this is very normal for children. I think if your dd wants to do it let her. You might want to talk about how he will look - maybe feel if she decides to hold his hand or something?

Maybe she could write a card or letter and bring that to slip into the casket.

cariadlet · 01/05/2021 19:10

If she's asking, then I'd take her but I would also prepare her for the fact that he won't quite look like the grandad she remembers.

My dad died at home, very unexpectedly. I saw him within a couple of hours; he was lying in bed, looked as though he was asleep and was very much still my dad.

I took my mum to see him at the Chapel of Rest and it was a completely different experience. It was very much just looking at my dad's body rather than being with my dad.

PinkiOcelot · 01/05/2021 19:10

I would definitely let her see him if she’s asking to.

So sorry for your loss x

Waveifyouknowme · 01/05/2021 19:11

I was 9 and my parents wouldn't let me see my grandad (or go to the funeral) despite me asking, I know they did it from love but it was the wrong decision. If a child asks and you prepare them death is less scary.

Cryalot2 · 01/05/2021 19:13

Sorry for your loss
My kids who are now adults were younger when they lost their first gran, and older when my dad passed both were involved and it left them unfazed with things . Both helped with tea at the wakes and did what they were happy to do. They talked about their happy memories to people.
Dd in particular was able as a young teen to help her friends in similar circumstances. Is their some little thing belonging that she could keep . ?
Hope this helps

Livvymax · 01/05/2021 19:14

I saw my gran after she died, I was about 30, I would never see someone after they've died again. I found it hard to get that image out of my mind for a long time
I had a very similar experience at 25 and I’ve regretted since

Toasty280 · 01/05/2021 19:14

My sons were year 4 (age 9) and 6 (age 11)when their great grandma died. I asked if they wanted to see her the older one said yes, we went to the hospital mortary, they have us a general talk before if at any point you want to leave it's ok, step outside etc. We only stayed a few minutes. If she wants to let her. It looked just like me she was sleeping, except she was cold when touched.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 19:15

Shes definitely coming to funeral. He died suddenly on Sunday. Then he went of for a postmortem. Yeah the directors said seeing him sooner rather than later would be better.

OP posts:

Newkitchen123 · 01/05/2021 19:17

I was the same age when I lost my grandad
I went to see him
I was OK, he just looked like he was asleep
Just make sure you prepare her for what to expect. Go without her first then you'll know what to expect yourself
Personally I've always found it a comfort but I understand it's not for everyone

Einszwei · 01/05/2021 19:17

Maybe a compromise would be her having some time with the coffin in the chapel of rest?

It would give her the opportunity to privately say goodbye, without having to view the body?

Redskyyy · 01/05/2021 19:18

I would suggest going sooner rather than later if she is going to go as it might be distressing if he looks different. We went to see dd 3 days after she died and she looked sleeping and peaceful, however we were warned by the nurse before we went in that she might look different. She suggested other family could come later (we decided against this) but that she would have changed more.

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