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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/05/2021 21:07

I am sorry for your loss.

I think that as she has asked to see him, after checking with your lovely funeral director on the day that it's still a wise thing, as they will say honestly what they think is right for her based upon their experience, don't restrict it to looking at a wooden box, allow her to see and have her moment with him as she wishes.

I was always kept away from such things, whether for humans or for pets. I was then very scared and, yes, very fixated upon death and disappearing, as that's what happened - death meant being taken away and disappearing, followed by an awkward half hour in a crematorium or chapel and then nothing.

Then I saw somebody in the process of dying and later, their body. It took all the fear away, because I saw the light leave their eyes and leave behind a body; it made sense in a way that walking away - or being prevented from seeing, hearing or knowing anything - didn't. It meant I could stay for a beloved pet to give them a small sense of something safe around them as their pain faded into nothing. It meant that I could be with my brother in his last moments when everybody was saying 'oh no, I couldn't possibly bear to see that'. It meant that the pain of loss was tempered by the acceptance that it had happened in the first place, rather than incredulity and doubt and denial.

I still felt deep sadness, of course, but there wasn't any confusion or feeling excluded/distant/isolated. In a way, it was comforting to know that what remained wasn't the same as what was there at the moment of death.

I would have been able to cope at 11/12 without a doubt. Perhaps it is relevant that I am also Autistic, perhaps not.

Let your DD and the funeral director decide what is best for her. And you decide what is best for you - you have a different relationship with your father, so you naturally have a different experience; whatever that is, of course that's fine for you, it's whatever you need - but do please allow her to find what is right for her.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 21:09

I have always declined with others because I've been too scared. Some I regret some I'm OK with. It's been such a shitty couple of years.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 21:10

@BlessedDD

I think poster who said it won’t traumatise her for life - how many bodies have you seen? I regularly have seen them it’s our culture. I tell you now in the chapel of rest they look their worst. The funeral day they are dressed and have make up. The worst is them in their raw state - esp after a post mortem.

I'm not sure if that was me (I wouldn't have said it definitely won't) but the answer is 8. Grandparents, parents, sibling. It was no more traumatising than their deaths, tbh. The closure is very important, in my view. But there are other views, I suppose.

CallmeHendricks · 01/05/2021 21:10

It really depends on so many things - the nature of their relationship, her maturity, length of time since death, how sensitive she is, etc...

I saw my grandfather in the chapel of rest 45+ years ago, now) and whilst I can picture it vividly still, it didn't traumatise me. I remember he looked very waxy and had some sort of make up on, which I thought was odd.
When my mother died, 3 years ago, we reached her bedside maybe 3 hours afterwards, and I couldn't go near her and kiss her goodbye as my siblings and father did. I struggled with that one.
And then when my dad died last year, I was with him, and it was a whole different experience, almost beautiful in a tragic way and my sister and I sat with him for almost an hour, kissing and stroking his hands until it was gently suggested to us that we might perhaps leave, so they could "attend" to him.
Death is a part of life really, and I wonder sometimes if we are too scared of it these days? But I send you my condolences and to you for your loss.

BlessedDD · 01/05/2021 21:11

I would try not to be scared OP. It’s not scary it’s just I don’t know so so incredibly sad so very sad and definitely makes it all much more real than a wooden box.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 01/05/2021 21:11

I wouldn't take her unless you have seen him yourself and are certain not only that it's soon enough after his death but also that he actually looks at peace. My dad died when I was a year older than your daughter and my mum a couple of years after that. I saw them both. My dad looked at rest but my mum most certainly did not and that last image of her has remained with me since my teenage years (I'm now 52). Only let her if you are absolutely sure it will be a consoling experience.

My condolences .

Bellringer · 01/05/2021 21:13

Yes take her, let her leave his paper. Winstons Wish do fabulous work with bereaved children

saraclara · 01/05/2021 21:14

To the people who've said that her asking is enough reason to allow her to see him, I'm sorry but you have no idea whether it's the right thing or not. The posts here make it clear that there are only two outcomes possible - positive or traumatic. The risk of the latter is very real, and a child of that age can't possibly have the experience of life to recognise that that result is possible. And I maintain that it being over a week since his death, is going to make a big difference to his appearance, compared to if she'd seen him the day after.

OP, I hope you listen to those who've recommended that you go in first, to judge his appearance. And you'll need an explanation ready if, after that, you feel that she shouldn't see him.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 21:15

The funeral guy is getting him dressed in clothes we picked out today think the casket will be closed during the funeral. He's not actually getting buried but I've not yet mentioned that to dd. He's getting cremated. He would hate all this fuss. Wanted to be chucked in a cardboard box in the garden if we could 🤣 so scattering him is the next best thing.

OP posts:

Bbq1 · 01/05/2021 21:19

My ds saw my mil in the Chapel of rest when he was 13 and my dad at 14. Yes, he's a bit older but still a child. He was very close to both of them and he wanted to see them and took comfort from it as we all did. It's a very peaceful, calm and non pressured environment. If your dd has asked then support her to do it. It would be sad if she looked back and resented the fact you denied her feelings and wishes. Very sorry for your loss.

KizzyMoo · 01/05/2021 21:29

Absolutely not. Have you seen a dead body? I'm in my 30s and had a nightmare after seeing my relative. She looked like something out of the walking dead.

Fieldsofstars · 01/05/2021 21:30

Innocence? death is an inevitable part of life.
I’d allow her to say goodbye.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 21:32

No I haven't I've never wanted to see people when they have passed.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 21:41

@KizzyMoo

Absolutely not. Have you seen a dead body? I'm in my 30s and had a nightmare after seeing my relative. She looked like something out of the walking dead.

I'm sure your experience is quite (far) outside the norm.

Crustybreadandbutter · 01/05/2021 21:43

I’d definitely let her go. Wish I’d had same chance at same age.

WhoIsH · 01/05/2021 21:52

I saw my grandad when he passed when I was 12. He looked very peaceful and at rest, it's actualy a 'good' memory for me now because he really did look at peace and it helped me to understand that he was really gone. Other relatives that passed we were not allowed to see because my mum said they did not look like themselves. I guess it depends on how he looks, but it could be a good thing to do.

Joeblack066 · 01/05/2021 21:55

You need to make it very very clear what she would be seeing if she went. Let her make an informed choice.

DdraigGoch · 01/05/2021 21:57

My grandfather's funeral was an open casket one. It seemed to help to see him.

WhatElseCouldIDo · 01/05/2021 22:02

My Nanna took me to see my grandfather when I was around 11/12. It was fine - I found it confusing that he just looked like he was asleep (though I knew that he obviously wasn’t) - but it was okay. I never regretted or worried about it.
Obviously somewhat different because I was about 21, but I didn’t go to see my Nanna after she died and I have regretted it ever since.

Neome · 01/05/2021 22:03

I would, yes.

I’m very sorry for your loss. As it was sudden I imagine it’s difficult for you to process things. I’m sure the chapel of rest will be thoughtfully arranged and your dad will look like himself but it will be clear his life has left his body. I have always found it helpful to pay my last respects in this way.

mimirouge · 01/05/2021 22:04

I agree with @kingdomscrolls I didn't even go that close to my grandmother's coffin but I just don't think I should have done. My mum and aunt kept saying how peaceful she looked etc but I couldn't have disagreed more. It was awful. I cry thinking about it and just want to remember the happy times

Darbs76 · 01/05/2021 22:06

I went to see my grandma when I was 14 and I bitterly regretted it. Not helped by my mum having a huge melt down saying it wasn’t her (understand my she was devastated). I was terrified and slept with the light on for weeks. I can still picture that image in my head. I said I’d never go again but I did go to see my dad 2yrs ago and that was completely the opposite experience, I got a lot of comfort from it and he looked so peaceful. I wouldn’t have even considered asking my younger kids to go in, my eldest did, but he was 26 at the time, and I went in first and said I’d let him know if I thought he shouldn’t go in, but he did and also didn’t regret it at all. I just think a lot of it when my grandmother was I was too young and found it hugely traumatising. So it would be a no from me

Lotusmonster · 01/05/2021 22:12

I'm sure your experience is quite (far) outside the norm
I don’t think it Is out of the norm and it’s a huge risk to take. Many funeral directors try their very best to prepare the deceased for the chapel but of course, they didn’t know the deceased as a living breathing person. Often make ups need to be applied in order to try and make the deceased appear relaxed and at rest but a minute incorrect detail can be quite harrowing for a loved one to notice.... once seen it can’t be unseen, young minds are very impressionable too.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:13

@Lotusmonster

I'm sure your experience is quite (far) outside the norm I don’t think it Is out of the norm and it’s a huge risk to take. Many funeral directors try their very best to prepare the deceased for the chapel but of course, they didn’t know the deceased as a living breathing person. Often make ups need to be applied in order to try and make the deceased appear relaxed and at rest but a minute incorrect detail can be quite harrowing for a loved one to notice.... once seen it can’t be unseen, young minds are very impressionable too.

Ok, I apologise. I take your point.

Lotusmonster · 01/05/2021 22:15

At the very least, I think advisable for an adult relative to take a look first before the child does and to make a judgment call. This will be a lasting memory.

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