Dd Chapel of rest

[Namechangenumber2000]

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

My sister was 11 when our mum died and she saw her in the open casket which I believe was some comfort.

I don’t think it’s healthy to hide the reality of death from children - just discuss and explain in an age-appropriate way.

Shes asked to see him and her last memory will be of her seeing him at peace and not having CPR. Take her. I regret not going to see my dad when he died suddenly at 63. Sorry for your loss x

I’d double check with the funeral directors that he still looks ok for an 11 year old to see and let her say her goodbyes.

Based on first hand experience of this matter and YOU being the adult, I would say a firm NO. She does not know at her age the triggers for future trauma. This could trigger PTSD. Please don’t do it. Make a soft excuse. He would not want her to see him like that. He would want her to remember him as a vibrate alive happy man. Say you’ve thought about what HE would want and that would be doing fun things together.

Just because she’s asked to go doesn’t mean you should take her. She’s still very much a child. You know best how she will process the sight she will see.

I was disturbed at seeing my lovely aunt at 18.

ds visited my mum with me, but with casket was closed. If had to be as she died from covid so couldn't be dressed and the coffin had to be closed.

I'm glad we went to be with her in private, but afterwards we were also both glad the casket was closed as we preferred our last memory to remember her was when she was alive.

dh saw his gran immediately after she died in hospital, pre covid and he says he had dreams about it for while after and it is something he would never do again.

I'm in NI but it's the norm here. My son has been to a couple of funerals and he's only 3 - his great granny's and a close family friends parent .
He spent the 3 days in the house for the wake of my granny also, though I choose not to go in the room with the open casket but the choice is always left up to the individual. Many of the kids and all my cousins always go in. If she's asked to go I'd let her.

I am sorry for your loss. I would agree with others and let her go. She heard the CPR attempt which must have been traumatising, it may help her to see him looking at peace.

Based on first hand experience of this matter and YOU being the adult, I would say a firm NO. She does not know at her age the triggers for future trauma. This could trigger PTSD

Or not seeing him could trigger future trauma. I lost my dad in similar circumstances and had nightmares for years that my dad wasn’t really dead, that the CPR had worked and his heart had restarted, that he was walking around with no memory having woken up in the morgue or worse, in his coffin. Personally I think seeing him would have helped, i’ve seen plenty of bodies since and find them quite calming, knowing they’re gone and at peace.

O/p you know your child best. If she really wants to, prepare her, be ready to hug her, but it may help her reconcile that her grandad is no longer “here” and his body is just a shell left behind.

I was 11 when I saw my grandad. Almost 30 years ago now. would have been very angry if anyone had tried to prevent it. I needed to see him. I think with preparation and support she will be ok. I'm sorry for your loss.

I saw my grandfather only about six years ago. I was struck by how different he looked. It was less than an hour after he died and I’ll be honest I couldn’t have picked him out of a line up. I know that sounds hideous but he wasn’t my grandfather.

Also to say I have a dd who has autism and add and my concern would be her obsessing over it and not letting it go. Sorry for your loss.

I'd take her. It can help say goodbye.

I saw my grandmother in the chapel of rest when I was the same age as your DD. It was a positive experience and hasn't scarred me in any way. I will always be thankful that I was allowed the opportunity to say goodbye properly.

I actually think it can be less traumatic for children than for adults to see relatives after they’ve died. They’re much more matter of fact about it and I think it does help them process it.

When I got to 16/18, I didn’t want to see them anymore. I’m now an adult and the thought of seeing one of my parents several days after their death is not a nice one. As adults we know what death means. We suffer it in a more intense way than children. We understand it straight away and then the shock and suffering comes quicker. It’s a different process for children.

I would let her. I was younger than her when I saw my grandparent. He died suddenly so there wasn't the same opportunity to say goodbye as there would be if he was terminally ill.
He will also probably look 'better' than he would if he'd been ill for a long time. The funeral director would tell you if they advised against seeing him I think.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I wanted to see my grandfather after he died and was not allowed. I've never forgotten that so I would let her.

This is part of her journey.

Do not interfere, just be her guide.

I was 16 when my dad died. Went to see him in the Chapel. He just did not look the same, his hair had turned white and they hadn’t put his teeth in properly. I barely recognised him and still regret seeing him.
This was 1981.
My SIL died 5 years ago, totally different experience, she honestly just looked asleep, albeit very, very pale (obvs 😥).

@Livvymax

I saw my gran after she died, I was about 30, I would never see someone after they've died again. I found it hard to get that image out of my mind for a long time I had a very similar experience at 25 and I’ve regretted since

Same here (and also 25). I went back into the room to see my mum a couple of hours after she had died. I immediately regretted it and would never willingly see another person after they died again.

If it was my child, I'd let her. I'd rather deal with the potential trauma then deny the opportunity of closure.

Talk to her about it beforehand. Prepare her that people look different and that the 'person' has gone and it's just their body or outside left. You'll know how to handle it with her.

This must be an incredibly difficult and distressing time for you as well.

As some PP's have said, open coffin wakes are very much the norm in Ireland and funerals often have huge attendences consisting of the whole community - neighbours, family, friends, passing acquaintances of all ages, from babies upwards. People who were very close to the deceased often touch and even kiss their hands and face to say goodbye, in a respectful way. So here it's very normal to see bodies after death. I think it promotes a healthier attitude towards/acceptance of death as a part of life.

I would say definitely allow her to see him, if she wants to so much, but do prepare her for what the experience may be like.
People's faces often do look a little different even straight after they pass away; not sure why exactly - but he may not look exactly like himself any more.

Maybe to see the coffin bit I think the body may be a bit much. Just seeing the coffin when my close relative passed was devastating enough and I'm a full grown resilient adult women.

I'm all for exposing children to the realities of life and death but with an ASD 'young' 11 year old I would be very cautious.

Is it possible for you to go first to judge for yourself? The problem is that things can't be unseen and if it is traumatic for her there's no undoing it. This can be much more difficult for an autistic child to process.

I'd take her.