Dd Chapel of rest

[Namechangenumber2000]

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

Have you been already? I wouldn't take her, when I went to see my dad his face was stuck in a really strange expression. He was so cold just not right it was quite traumatic for both me and my brother. I have older DCs and would definitely not have wanted them with me.

Definite take her if that’s what she wants, talk to her about what to expect, and be prepared to take her out quickly if she changes her mind. Death is part of life, and it’s healthy to acknowledge that. It will be a way for her to say goodbye and give her closure.

Let her go, it will help. It helped me at a similar age. It also helped when I was the one there when another elderly relative died when I was 16.

The concept of innocence I think is an unhealthy one. She’s having life experiences like bereavement and is learning and maturing through them. Don’t look at it as a loss of innocence, look it as her taking part in all that life gives us.

I would personally say no I saw my mum I was 32 and it haunted me for years it's better to remember them how they were

My dad died some years ago when I was an adult 18+ . My mum had already visited him , and said she did not want me to see him as he didn't look like my dad , so I respected her wishes and didn't .
Could you perhaps go first , and book a 2nd visit of you think she would cope with how he is ?
Sorry for your loss.

DS1 wanted to see his grandad when he died. After I explained that he wouldn't look the same and that it might be scary or upsetting, also that some people prefer to remember the person as they were when they were well he changed his mind.

Funeral director here, firstly I’m so sorry for your loss and please trust me when I recommend viewing your dad yourself before allowing your daughter to view him. Some people do look like they are sleeping, especially shortly after death, however many don’t and this can be incredibly upsetting. It’s a hard decision for you to make and I feel your pain knowing what to do for the best.

Go yourself first so that you can prepare her for the way it will be. The coldness of the room can be a shock. Definitely don't tell her that he'll look like he's sleeping, unless you have checked! Dead people don't look like they're asleep at all. (In my experience - two elderly grandparents). Keep the visit short and stay close by, I think emphasising that it's just his body that's there and that his spirit has gone is helpful.

Let her go. But I would suggest letting her know that his body will be very cold to touch, in case she touches his hands or face. I remember seeing my uncle at the same age and being quite shocked at how cold he was. Nobody had prepared me for that.
Sorry for your loss 🌺

I saw my grandpa.
I was told it wasn’t really him, it was his shell.
And it really was, whatever had made my grandpa my grandpa, had gone.

My eldest DD has got ADHD, and she came to my nan's funeral aged 13 as we felt she was old enough. It was a horrendous decision in hindsight, she had nightmares for months afterwards and got very obsessed with death.

Can you go and see him yourself? Then make a decision based on how he looks.

Sorry for your loss.
I'd take her, she's asking to and where I am it's very normal for children to see deceased people at wakes. My dc and all my nieces and nephews (including one with ASD) have seen deceased great grandparents and are not traumatised by it.

OP
My daughter has the same needs as yours.
Her Granny died in Ireland, so I knew that there would be a wake and asked their Dad my ex to not let her see their Granny in the open casket.
She did see her Granny as all her cousins were seeing her and it gave her closure, it actually helped her process the death, she also got to say her goodbyes.
I would allow your daughter if she has asked, death is part of life and it's become less of a taboo subject now for my daughter.

When my DC lost their DF unexpectedly the x2 older decided they didn't want to see him my DS was 7, I suggested if he wanted to say goodbye, then we would keep the coffin closed. He actually decided not too none if them regret their decision. His parents did see him and said he looked at peace.

I went when I was 11. I’m also autistic. I think it helped. I also witnessed part of my Grandad’s death and that’s the part that upsets me still, not the memory of seeing him peacefully and slipping a little photo into the coffin.

I am sorry for your loss . It is a difficult call. When my father died I did take my kids with me to the chapel of rest. I spoke to them first to make sure they were prepared for what it would be like. We allowed them to pick something to put in the coffin with him and they were happy with that. They were close to their grandad and it did help give them some closure. They were 11 and 9 at the time.

Also to add sorry, I’m not sure my dd would have an appropriate ‘social’ response. I fear she would laugh out of nervousness. Or act in an inappropriate way. She can sometimes be very immature.

She really didn’t understand why I was sad when my grandfather died. Her response was ‘he was old?’

Also, sorry for your loss, Op. I hope you all find comfort with whichever choice you make.

As a pp had said, I would be wary of whether he looks 'the same'. Could you perhaps go and see him first and decide.
When my grandma had been laid at rest she looked so different- too much of a strong colour palette and she didn't look like herself.

I'm in the US where an open casket is the norm. My nephews have, rather sadly, seen multiple deceased relatives at open caskets. They are incredibly matter-of-fact about it. They are always given the open of not seeing the body, but they seem to get closure from it.

If she's asked to, I'd let her.

I asked to see my great grandma at the same age. My parents prepared me and told me that she wouldn’t look the same because that bit that made her Nanna was gone now. Being prepared for that was definitely the right thing to do as I was surprised how unlike Nanna she looked. It did help me grieve to be able to say goodbye in that way.

I was kept away from my df's funeral and the chapel of rest when I was 10 and I really resented it. I'm sure it would have been difficult for me but the last I saw of him was when he got out of the car to go into a tube station to cool down because he was hot and feeling unwell and that was it. Ambulance turned up, someone drove my brother and I to hospital, my dm was in the ambulance with df. I knew he was dead but I wanted to see him again or at the very least get to say "goodbye" to him at the funeral.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
I'm in my 60's and lost both parents in recent years. I saw my Dad about an hour after he passed and was with my Mum. Both passed peacefully, and both looked to be asleep.

I then saw my Dad a few days later, I'd been told he may not look the same - and he didn't. So when the time came with Mum I still visited her a few days later but stood at the top of the coffin and glanced at her to make sure she was dressed nicely. I didn't want to see her face, as I didn't want to remember her that way.

I would definitely visit first. If you do decide to take your Dd, could she maybe take a plant to leave with her grandad? Rather than simply going into the room and staring at him, she could take the plant and find somewhere suitable to put it on display.

Or maybe a favourite poem to read to him? In this way she's visiting with a purpose and has something to distract her if the sight of him does upset her.

I'd say yes. I think if she is mature enough to ask she should go. I don't think it's good to think about closure though, just a possibly step forward. I'd be careful about her touching him because her Grandad will be so cold it can be a shock. I'm sorry for your loss..

My children saw both their grandparents in the hospital chapel. They were five and three when my dad went and seven and five for my mum. They had the choice on both occasions. It was very helpful in understanding what death was and beginning to grieve.